A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

For The Boy…

Original posting date was July 28th, 2006

It’s very hard, watching #1 boy morph from a child, into a young man. Hard, and at the same time, so wonderful. You know the kind of love that enters your heart, and every now and then begins to expand until you think you’ll burst, or have to scream, or jump up and down with the sheer pleasure of it? The kind of love that physically hurts at times?

I just spent the last two days in that state. It’s been way too long since I’ve been able to spend time with him, just the two of us, alone. It makes me sad, to think that we’ve skipped opportunities to do things, just for fun; yet, it certainly makes the times when we do get to be alone, very special indeed.

We talked quite a bit, the two of us. I was struck, repeatedly, by the wisdom he has, the knowledge and self-awareness in this young man. I have always known, (and proclaimed, loudly, I am the dad I get to), that he is an extremely bright guy; academically, he’s been impressing me and his peers for years.

However, his calm acceptance of his own self, his own doubts and fears, his willingness to take some risks, and chance the outcomes; this, in an emotional sense, was brought home to me strongly this weekend.

I noticed it most, today, day 2 of orientation- when the time came to build out his schedule, and register for his classes. He had a chart, his list, and his catalogue… he’d already picked his top choices, with alternates. He discussed the advantages and disadvantages of early mornings, late nights, heavy Tuesdays.. all with a clear vision of when he does his best work, which classes will be harder, and which more fun.

So, when he asked me if I wanted to see, of course I said yes.. and then, one of the hardest things for me, ever; we’d already discussed pros and cons, he knew which were blocked, etc- so, I said, “I’d like to see, of course I’m interested- but if you’re comfortable, go do it”.

I almost cried then, as he smiled and said “See you later Daddy” and headed off to do his job. I didn’t, I’m reserving that for later, when I can indulge in some daddy tears in the privacy of my own home, my room.

It was hard. It was wonderful. I love you pal, in all you do.

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Filed under: family

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