A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Last Night

September 21, 2006

Last night, this morning, was incredible. We laughed, we read, Lynn went through all my spewings, and read a couple of stories, before we read what she’d been up to earlier Wednesday. It was incredible, the feeling of utter joining, of hearts merging together.

We went upstairs, talking throughout pictures and loving, and for the first time she spoke of him honestly, sharing some of her feelings, her loneliness and needs. It was devastating, to see her hurting so, and know it’s my own withdrawal that contributed to it; yes, I know I didn’t force her into anything, but certainly I could have been closer.

I held her, as she cried, for the first time in years and years actually reaching for me as she did so- not pushing away, not till later, but curling into my embrace, letting me hold her, wrap her in my arms. At that moment, I don’t think I’ve ever loved her as much, in 26 years.

She spoke of feeling so alone, sick and feeling horrible, and trying to minimize it so I wouldn’t worry- never acknowledging that throughout that time, I was telling her, begging her to see a doctor, because I’m not so dumb to not know she was ill. But, that would have “added more stress, with your mom so sick..”

Jesus, dear lord, the two of us are such a mixed up pair, each “protecting” the other, at the cost of our relationship, so busy taking care of each other we were carefully destroying one another. How could I have been so blind, so careless of the important things in life, to not know this? What a worthless sack of shit I am.

The current song in my play list, is the Theme From Mahogany, and the words are so apt:

Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know…?

Do you get
What you’re hoping for
When you look behind you
There’s no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know…?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies
That filled our minds
You knew how i loved you
But my spirit was free
Laughin’ at the questions
That you once asked of me

Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know…?

Now looking back at all we’ve planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long
Before we’ll see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be

Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know…?

Do you get
What you’re hoping for
When you look behind you
There’s no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know…?

Do I know where I’m going? No clue. How many dreams have slipped through our hands? None that are worth worrying about, when it comes down to it. As to open doors behind you, would it not be better to have doors opening in front of you?

I don’t know, but maybe… I like to think that I’ll get back to that point, someday, looking forward and having adventures.

Lynder’s chatting with someone, playing a game, got the neat smile action going tonight- makes me grin too, to see her enjoying herself; still a little uncertainty, we were talking about it tonight, about having people in our family room, all the time.

Odd feelings these days… half fearful, scared that she’s talking to him again, half worried that she’s going to get caught back into living completely online
Drifting in the music, listening to the words of some of my old favorite stupid sappy ones, just floating on the music. I’m empty, but it’s not the cold ickies, or if it is they’re really really repressed tonight- but, I don’t think they are, I think it’s more that after Lynn started talking about him last night, and again tonight, I’m shoving that down so hard the ickies are going with it.

But, it’s not uncomfortable, somehow. It’s as if this is needed, this almost violent not-thinking, not-feeling on this subject. It’ll come out sometime, I know, but maybe we’ll be lucky, and will be able to duck most of the flack. Hope so anyway. Either way, we’ll get through it, as long as we’re working together, we’ll manage someway.

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Filed under: depression, relationship

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