October 29, 2006
Lynda, Lynn, Lynder, Muniquita, Darling:
I asked myself today, “How am I feeling right now?” And, the answer, was “Great.”
So, I asked, “Why? What’s different? Do you know?”
I don’t. I have no answers, for anyone but myself. As I grapple with depression, always conscious of its own evil fog that can overwhelm me, I find myself thinking that it loves me feeling jealous, feeling down. If sadness, if a pang gets hold, that icy cold can move closer, and closer. I think of the “black thing”, from Madeline l’Engle’s books; the cold that blocks the sunlight, that prevents us from seeing clearly.
And, think of the beasts; those beings that Calvin, Meg and her Father found almost repulsive at first, certainly most alarming, were their salvation and rescuers. Aunt Beast, as Meg named the special one that cared for her, explained that they have no interest in what things look like, rather they prefer to see things as they are.
What a gift, to see things as they are. Sometimes, it feels as if I’m returning from the far side of the black thing, as I begin to believe that I am actually seeing things as they are, not as a black thing would have me believe. Nor even as I tend to believe, for it will take time- but, more and more, I’m feeling deep inside me, that our connection is real, it was never ever really gone, and it’s growing stronger and deeper- with a vengeance, it’s growing and filling me with wonder, and love.
All the little positives, as I call them, they’re working their magic- like the stars that threw themselves at the blackness, the positives are throwing themselves into my consciousness, my awareness; and, I love it, every bit of it.
The black thing, it’s not gone, by any means. But, and this is a huge leap for me, a major step forward, But-
I can see through it now. I couldn’t, before, it was solid and cold and impenetrable.
Now, it’s not, I can see- not clearly, it’s shimmery, and sometimes there are still deeper shadows that block the view- but, I can indeed, most of the time, see that there is something on the other side, for me- for us; for the kids. And, I want to be there. So much of the time, I’ve been battling the darkness, and running from it- can’t let it get me again.
Now, I’m beginning to see that I can run, not just away from darkness, but towards light. I like light. I like warmth, and sunshine, and smiles and laughing again.
Thank you, for that gift, for showing me again, that I can laugh- for each laugh, each smile and twinkle, it’s another star tossed at the black thing. And the more you share your love, the more stars there are, to help me out.
Remember, the other day, I closed with “Deep enough to live with”, referencing faith, and belief in God, in you, in us?
Well, so to, a connection deep enough and strong enough, to love with and laugh with.