How is it that a memory, an image, can cause such opposite reactions, in such a short span? Things go from a sort-of-smile to an attack of jealous anger and back again, in less than a minute sometimes.
Usually, dumb things too, and I never know what’s going to come next- will it be good, or bad? Will it be fun, or horrid? Is what we’re about to talk about going to cause stress or going to relieve it?
Will there ever be any rhyme or reason to it, I wonder? I sure hope so, because I’d like to be able to get past having to worry about a secondary reaction to any random thought, it gets really dull, and causes me to have headaches.
I was telling Janet yesterday, that I’d sure love to get past having to “think” about when I’m not depressed- (She asks, every session, “What will be the indication that you’ve gone to the next level?”).
I think at this point, the nicest thing will be having the good times, the upbeat times, becoming the norm, and the down moments the exceptions. That, I think, is worthy of classifying progress as having made the “next step”, or even two!
It’s getting there, too, I think- slowly, but progressing- the curl-in-a-ball moments are fewer, and they are passing over or being pushed back faster, and with less effort. I decided that it’s because I keep adding more and more weapons to my arsenal. Every time the kids giggle, and I store it as a memory, that’s a weapon.
Each time Lynn and I share, talking or holding or cuddling or loving, it’s a weapon in the arsenal, ready to be drawn-
“Have at you, Black Thing!” I can feel myself yelling it, and drawing out a kids smile, or a warm hug and using those to fight it away. And, it’s working, for the most part; I was telling Lynn yesterday, that I can never, ever go back to where I was, because I don’t want to die; that no matter what else happens, what we work out, I absolutely can’t go back to the darkness and survive.
Nicest part, is that I don’t think I have too, most of the time- I’m gaining confidence in my ability to see beyond, to reach for what can be a new normal, a much more positive place to be, and certainly so much more fun.
Heh. Reminds me of an early posting, about how I used to know how to have fun- I think, sometimes, that I’m learning that again- and wouldn’t that be nice?