A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Gifts

If you believe, as I do, that things happen for a reason, then it stands to reason that if we try, sometimes, we may be able to glimpse what those reasons might be. Not always, perhaps, but occasionally, we just might have a flash of insight, or a little voice, or, sometimes, a slap upside the head!

I believe, also, that the things that are given to us, are gifts; we have the ability, the choices to make as to what we want to do with the gift, but it is given to us for a purpose. We may never know what that purpose is, or why it was given to us, or even be able to recognize whatever it is, as a gift, but nevertheless, despite our failure to acknowledge them, gifts are being given to us, all the time.

Sometimes those gifts are a place, or an event, or a special time with a loved one. Sometimes, it may be a mood, when that mood is appropriate, or a period of reflection, it can even be as materially ugly as an accident, an illness, or a death. Daily, people struggle to cope with the events and people and places that shape their lives, some of them better than others; yet, would I trade? Now?

If I could go back in time, what would I change, what choices would I make that would possibly change where I am now, who I am?

Not many, actually, at least not from where I sit today.

Marriage? Yeah, we were little, we were immature, naïve, and all those other things the people around us were saying. BUT- as hard as it’s been at times, even with the difficulties we’re dealing with now, I remember:

  • Picnics, in Colorado
  • The Shack, and using the fireplace ‘cuz the propane was low, and we didn’t have enough money to fill the tank until payday.
  • Dr. J, and the miracle of Jeremy, and eating the house.
  • Excitement, we’re moving to a real house, with walls that will stand up!
  • Rob, and the dimples that make him so adorable.
  • Red Wing, and all it’s associated stuff, playing and loving.
  • Struggles with money, with alcoholism, with fears and tears and laughing for no reason.
  • Cabins, and houses too small, and Nicky, and we’ve got enough space now, 60+(?) kids on a block
  • Karen and Lynn, bulging large together, grinning as we share stories of hearing heartbeats, on the same nights.
  • Birth of a princess, “Our job is to spoil her rotten”, Bef-with-an-ef!
  • Adventures, excitement, big moves and upheavals
  • Slow realization of failures of dreams, opportunities that aren’t.
  • Withdrawing, distance, pushing and being pushed away
  • Pain, and dark cold places, and illness and broken backs
  • ……..

    ……..

    Would I change it?

    No.

    Discovery, re-discovery, learning and sharing and growing, talking with hugs and tears and smiles, one of the most treasured memories of all, is on a particular Wednesday evening, how beautiful you were, through the pain, as you shared.

    Would I make different choices now? Only, perhaps, if it were possible to know then, what I know now- and that would make me a different person then, also now- so, to think that the choices would be different is a fallacy, as the person would be different then as well.

    No, we can’t go back, so perhaps a more appropriate phrasing might be, are there regrets? Isn’t that what we are really asking, when we think of those choices made, isn’t the bottom line question, “Do you regret what you did, where you are today?”

    Same answer, I think. I miss the dreams, sometimes, it wasn’t in my twenty-year-old head (or even at thirty, foolish as I was), that I’d be a corporate drone, working in an office, struggling to find some value in what I do, to not get too disheartened by the view from where I am.

    But, dreams don’t always come true, the way we think they should. Because, the gifts that are presented far, far outweigh in so many different ways, the loss of an intangible. Four of them, six of us-

    No, I don’t regret, not really.

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    Filed under: meanderings, relationship

    2 Responses

    1. Anonymous says:

      If things happened differently in our lives, we would not be the people we are today. And in case you are wondering, we are good people. *smile*

    2. Sailor says:

      Thank you-

      I think that’s a lot of what I meant, that we are who we are because of what we’ve experienced, and changing that would change who we are.

      D

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