A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me


The newest med seems to be better than either of the other two, thankfully. Wellbutrin didn’t work enough, but it was so vastly better than without, I stayed on it for longer than I should have, probably. I was so scared to switch, in case the next one didn’t work as well, that I’d end up back down in a hole. Silly, really, because many people have to try a whole slew before the one that works best for them is found, but I never, ever want to find myself where I was last July. I thank God daily for four things, from that morning:

A fender bender, that brought out a volunteer Rescue company and Fire Department, that happened to be on the other side of the thruway as I went by.

The post-secret book, which had the number to the people who help you avoid the nut-hut, and/or, never having the chance to get to the nut-hut.


Mostly, Lynn. She and I talked for a long time, and she was so patient, and loving and worried, that it was impossible not to at least make the next calls, to try.

So I used Wellbutrin for three months, and although I was better, it was still a struggle. Lynn finally was able to convince me that it was okay to try another, that she’d watch me, that I’d be watching myself, that the therapists and doctors would also be monitoring.

Ugh. Lexapro sucked. No other word for it, unless it’s to reiterate how awful it is. Nausea, diarrhea, total and complete lethargy, sleeping in fits and spurts, unable to focus, even sex wasn’t working very well. That one, I hung on for three weeks, called the crazy Doc and told him, “Unh Uh, No more!”

Thankfully, the first five days of Effexor haven’t been anything like that. My guts seem normal now, I still feel a little wonky-tired now and then, but at least so far, the worst side effect is random insomnia, and I can deal with that, mostly. Not sure about the sex life or the weight changes yet, too soon, so I’ll be watching that. (Carefully, you can be sure! ;p )

It remains to be seen if it will be more effective than Wellbutrin, as far as dealing with the actual depression; but, even the Lexapro seemed to help substantially more with that, or at least Lynn reports seeing the occasional sparkle is back.

I think, too, it’s very helpful to know that even if this one isn’t it, I can swap safely, that the black thing won’t get to reach up and grab me if I have to skip a few days between, to let one dissipate before taking the next. I wont be so reluctant to switch, if necessary, the next time.

It’s also true that time passing is helpful. With every day that goes by, I’m further away from the deathly cold places, and that makes a tremendous difference. I still have moments, even hours or days, that are hard, but they’re getting shorter, and much, much less intense than they were. True, too, this fall was just plain a son-of-a-bitch to get through- and I’ve learned from some of the support forums I’ve been reading, that any one of the events I’ve been dealing with have triggered the need for anti-depressants alone, much less starting from as dark as I’d become.

So, I watch myself closely, and make sure Lynn is watching me, and keep on picking my sorry ass up if I fall, and hope it keeps on getting easier. Generally, things are lookin’ up, I’d say.


Filed under: depression, medication, progress

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