Knowing someone, and learning more about them, and myself, and it never stops. I’ve been thinking over the last couple of days of what learning and new knowledge I’ve gained over the course of the past five months. Interestingly, Lynn made a comment tonight about how “You know everything about me already, there’s nothing interesting to tell you anymore.”
How wrong she is, in that respect. Right on top of my list of new-found knowledge, is so much about her and by extension about myself, that it’s amazing to me. Amazing, thrilling, exciting and scary, all at once. Some of the things that I’ve learned are wonderful, and some are not-so-good, but in the abstract, all the knowledge gained is valuable to me.
I’ve learned that depression is deadly. My line had always been, do anything rather than kill yourself, why didn’t they try “X” first? (Often, X= move to Australia, walk across the country, but it can be anything). I’ve learned that it’s not so simple, that even with whatever self-awareness I’d had throughout my life, the despair and darkness is very, very real, and very, very cold.
–Never give up!
I’ve learned that some things are far too important to take for granted, that even as you’re cruising along, things can start to slide away from you gradually, until the new situation becomes the new norm, and it may not be what you want. Allowing myself to assume that less talk, less cuddling, less time together, hell even less sex, is just something that comes as the years go by put our entire marriage and relationship in jeopardy. Combine that with a series of circumstances that deepen my depression, and likely Lynn’s too, and you may find that you’re fighting hard to get it back.
–Never, ever take for granted!
I’ve learned that I can’t run from God, no matter how I may think I want to. He’s real, He’s here, and He’s still listening to prayers- and, even though the message may be uncomfortable, or unwelcome, He’s responding to them. As is often said, the answer may not be what we’d like, or “yes”, but He does indeed answer.
–Can’t escape the message forever!
I’ve learned that Lynn is much more sexual than she’d allowed herself to acknowledge for many years, and certainly far more than she’d allowed me to know. For as long as I’ve known her, (Which, contrary to popular belief, hasn’t been forever- merely since the dawn of time!), it’s been fun but not a major thing. This, in turn, has led me to know that I, too, have been denying a lot of things that I wouldn’t bring up, because of concerns with how it would be received.
–Share, the worst that might happen is “no”!
I’ve learned what it’s like to be jealous, to be consumed with rage and anger and hurt. I know what it feels like to be run over by a truck, emotionally, and then dragged onto a roller-coaster of highs and lows. Slowly, I’m learning how to cope with that, and if the jealousy is horrible, the insights into myself, are good.
I’ve learned distrust as well, and with the jealousy, I hate knowing about this one. I am working as hard as I know how to un-learn this, or at least learn to deal with it constructively. The flares are much better than they were, every day is better than the last. Each time they pass faster, and aren’t as intense, so I’m even learning how to look at more than just the negative side of everything.
I’ve learned about forgiveness. The peaceful release of tension and angst, when the realization strikes that the all-consuming obsession and the resentment is gone, and the even more striking feeling when that is communicated, is a gift that I treasure. The infamous “they” that say “forgiveness is good for the soul,” are one hundred percent correct.
I’ve learned that even an old boring man can still learn, still get excited about new things, new ideas and things to try, and I’m loving it. So, I’m going to make it a point to continue to be open to new thoughts, new music, new hobbies and even new dreams- after all, I’m not dead yet!