Along the lines of things that I’ve learned, I’m finding that one of the things I hate is having learned to be suspicious and jealous. I wish, so much of the time, that there was some way I could just flip a switch and go back to an unquestioning, unhesitating faith and comfortable belief that lying isn’t something I need to worry about.
Do we ever really know a person fully? I don’t think so, but when the things that aren’t known are being deliberately withheld, it’s painful, and I think it’s just as painful when it’s not deliberate, when it’s simple things like not thinking to mention something, or not realizing what it is that would be good to know. After all, it’s not possible to be together every hour of every day, nor would that be healthy. But, if what is seen as minor and inconsequential to one, is perceived as more important by the other, that simple misunderstanding can lead to an ouch.
Yesterday on the way home, I was lecturing myself on not getting freaked out, that all I had to do was go home and talk to Lynn about it, my feelings I mean, and it would be okay. It did help, but I’m still feeling unsettled and sad. I think partly it’s because we have come so far so quickly, that when I have a regressing moment or two, that alone frustrates and discourages me. Then, I get angry at myself for not being able to get past it, which feeds into a cycle that leads downward. Plus, of course, there’s the whole:
that comes along, and I’m thinking it’s prime time for depression anyway.
I wish that trusting was something that I could just give, somehow, that the littlest things wouldn’t churn up all the icky emotions and feelings and thoughts. And, if it’s not exactly a little thing, but it’s not huge either, can’t my reactions be proportional? It’s not as if it’s anything new, so why does it hurt all over again?
I’ve decided that adjusting to new realities suck, but I can’t seem to get back to Egypt, either- and I guess that overall it’s healthier and all that, but sometimes it’d sure be nice to just stop the world for a while, and take a break from bloody rollercoasters.
Maybe a week at the cabin, skiing and seeing Dad and Rick and all, will help, I sure love getting to the “club house”, I’m sure hoping that some time away from outsiders will help. Leaving today, no ‘puters coming, that may help too.
So, to the two people that read this, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and hugs all around.