It’s so startling to me when a thought, when sharing intimate feelings with one another, wrapped up in each other’s arms as close as two can be, can also cause an opposite reaction. We’d just finished loving, and were cuddled close and warm, whispering about what excites us, what things we thought we’d never do and have now done.
Things we used to say would never ever happen have happened, or are happening, and they are thrilling and scary and exciting and nerve-wracking, all jumbled together; and yet the overall closeness, the loving warmth and touches and kisses and caresses, throughout, are the most immediate and vital part of this piece of our growing together.
So, when a warm whisper that makes my heart race with excitement can turn, in the very next breath, to my heart stopping in hurt, jealous anger, what am I to do? What does anyone do, when that occurs? I have no idea what other people do; I know that even as recently as two weeks ago, I would have rolled over in desperate anguish, curling around myself, huddling into my own cocoon as if to shut the world, and it’s realities away. Pushing painful emotions deep within myself has become so ingrained, that it would have been inconceivable to react as I did tonight.
Because, for the first time in many, many years, I didn’t push that pain away. No, this time, I acknowledged it as an emotion to be dealt with; that the hurt, the anger are real, as the events that led to it were real. But, tonight, the arms wrapped around me, the warm skin against mine, the heart beating and the soft breathing in my ear, this is the true reality.
This lover, this partner, this companion and fellow-traveler, this is true and valid and as real and immediate as anything in the world can be. This, is the part that matters- not the electrons, the ones and zeros flying around cyber-space, the product of imagination and romance.
No, the reality is the love and the caring and twenty-five years of building a life’s relationship. The reality is kids and home and redecorating and cuddles and sex and pictures and we’re out of light bulbs.
So, a five minute pause, to reflect, to take a drink of milk, and the realization that I can choose to let the anger and the hurt go, that the overwhelming truth is that I have that power- that I can allow it to pass through me and out of me, means that at 4 A.M. I have given in to the compulsion to write this down, to send it flying into that other-world of virtual reality. At the same time, I’m sending the anger and hurt that I don’t need, and don’t want, along with it.
I’m proud of myself right now. So, hugs to me, and loving warm hugs for Lynn, who has had the patience to put up with me this long and still manages to not hate me.