A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Back and forth and up and down

All topsy turvy again. The past month, really all of January, was sooo great. We were close, we were sharing, we were laughing together- both of us noticed it, and commented on it, that it’d been way too long since we’d just laughed together. All kinds of little things that we had been doing together, sharing thoughts, spending time together; we joined a dance class, for goodness sake! Dancing, lol, I haven’t danced since high-school, with the exception of the occasional wedding, and at the fire department dinners.

I was introduced to Canasta in pogo, if you don’t know it, try it out here. What a great game! I had to buy a membership after my guest pass expired, because I fell in love with the silly game. So we’ve been meeting up online, at lunchtime, for games and giggles, which has also been a great time. Nothing special, and we would talk on the phone before and after anyway, but it was another chance to see each other, and say “I love you”.

Then, smack. Whack. Ouch.

More tears, more recriminations, more heartache.

Am I a sucker? I don’t think so. Am I a glutton for pain? I guess I am. I don’t understand that part- I’m trying, I really am, but it’s beyond what I know. I haven’t been so close to calling this relationship done, ever. Not in August, not during the continued contacts, not even on New Years. The difference, I think, is the contrast; I had started to feel so much more comfortable with where we were, where I am, that this was a much bigger slap. I’d gotten to the point where I was getting less suspicious, was more comfortable with the people and the games, that it was like getting doused in ice water.

At ten below zero. Shivers.

The past week, even, was so much fun- laughing and being introduced to the people in “the bath”, giggling and laughing together, a couple times so hard it hurts, that wonderful deep belly hurt from laughing. It’s been a long time since we’ve done that, and it was really, really cool, that Lynn would risk having me come in, trust in me enough to know I’m not going to say or do something to hurt her. I loved it.

Now, we start all over again. Hard as that is, though, I have a much stronger base to start from. The work we’ve done over the fall, has given us a much stronger foundation, and a much better ability to talk, to work through what we’re feeling, and share it. So as pained as it is, I can remember that this, too, is just a speed bump on the road we’re passing over.

So it’s not really starting over, it’s more like taking a step back, and we’ll have to climb again, to get to where we were last week. But, I know we can; I have confidence that we can, and we will.

This, is a good thing to know.

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Filed under: relationship

One Response

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