Trust, and Love, and Forgiveness, and Peace.
I’ve been thinking a lot about these things lately, as I struggle to come to terms with where I am in my life, where we are in our relationship, what goes on in my heart, and as I struggle with my spiritual life and direction.
Trust, is something that I struggle to give, as Lynn works to earn it, again. Day 21 now, and we’ve managed to struggle along so far. I don’t always find it easy, but I think it’s getting easier; better, but not well? I can live with that, and when I have an attack of jealousy, I guess I’m dealing with it better.
Definitely I’m finding it easier to talk, rationally, without so many tears and hiding in a curled up ball; there are still those moments, but they’re not from trust, they’re from general depression still. I have to work at articulating that better, sometimes when I’m down, I don’t express myself well and it causes major stress for Lynn, and I hate that. But, those times are so few and far between now, and they pass over so much faster, I love that the black thing can be pushed back, and defeated. The war isn’t over, but I’m making lots better progress than we are in Iraq, that’s for sure!
Forgiveness is another area I struggle with, cuz what does it mean, to forgive? I wrote about this here, but since then, as the contacts have recurred, I find the resentment and suspicions come back too. So, I’ve been praying a lot about this one, and trying hard to figure out how and what this means, and how do I go about releasing it, once and for all?
Peace, comes with Love, and for the first time in many, many years, there are areas of my life where I am truly at peace. I made a huge decision, and signed up for an exploratory class at the General Theological Seminary, in New York City. I’d toyed with the idea of grad school for years, never took action, and often found myself on the Episcopal Church’s website, instead of the business schools that I’d started on. Having avoided the message for years, to actively running in the past few, I can no longer ignore it; so, I’m in NYC every Tuesday night, and we’ll see where it goes.
One of the ways I know this is right, is the peace I mentioned. I have such a warm, soft, peaceful feeling about it, that started the moment I gave in and picked up the phone, I know this is the right step for me, at this time. It will be interesting to see where I am led, but for now, I’m just a goin’ with the flow.