Taking stock as I’ve finished up the class I took, and starting to wonder what’s next, and how I feel about so many things that have been going on in my head, and heart and life. Granted, that intellectually I understand that discernment is just that, it’s determining the direction, but I wish that it was clearer to me. I know, too, that it’s a long process, as it should be, but my impatience surfaces at times.
I was chatting with a friend the other day, half of the couple we went to Jamaica with, and she was asking me questions herself: “What does it mean to our relationship, if you continue on this path?”
I had no real answers. I’ve struggled with that myself, in so many ways lately; sexuality and sexual playing has become a part of our lives, nudity and dares and new games with Lynn, how does this all reconcile to my spiritual needs, and the direction that I’m being tugged toward? Sometimes kicking and screaming, granted, but there is this major pull and I don’t know exactly how it will all work out.
Damnit, I liked hanging out at the nude beach, and playing cards and sitting in the hot tub, and the whole fantasy night thing, and all.
I like playing with Lynn, and exploring our fantasies, and fulfilling them.
I like taking sexy photos of her, and that playing we’ve done.
I like reading smut stories, and writing them (even though not much lately).
I like the voyeurism/exhibitionism that we’ve been playing with.
So, how do I balance that, with God and prayer and scripture and spirituality and whatever else is going on?
Too much to balance, even the little things seem hard somedays; I feel inconsistent, if not hypocritical, when Lynn can tell me that she’s been cybering someone and it makes me hot, and the very next minute it makes me jealous and scared. I get so bollixed up in my own mind, and don’t know what to do with the emotions and thoughts they generate.
I feel inconsistent and hypocritical to pray, sometimes, and then a few minutes or hours later we’re doing something that most would call wrong, or sinful, or whatever. But, it also feels right, for our relationship, for me- so, what is that all about??
I wish, sometimes, that it was as simple as for Peter, a handy angel and all.
Guess I’ll just keep thinking and praying and following my heart as best I can, but I do wish it was easier sometimes.