I’ve been thinking about sexuality and our relationship a lot lately, and I’m still uncertain about it, in a lot of ways. Certainly there is an excitement that had been missing for a long time, far longer than I’d realized. We’d gotten to the point where it didn’t matter much- Lynn says once a month, and while I’d argue that as an actual fact, I’m not sure enough to say with certainty it wasn’t that bad. Either way, it had been getting less frequent over time, and that’s very much true.
I was thinking about the reasons for that, because I’ve certainly never failed to be turned on by her, she’s always been so wonderfully sexy and erotic- and I think there’s a couple reasons, beyond the (perhaps normal) slow-down as we run for kids, work, etc. Depression on both our parts, and it’s resultant distance is a huge factor. With both of us struggling, and in my case withdrawing and Lynn then pushing me away, making me draw back even more, etc, etc, we got into a nice vicious circle.
Another piece, I think a medium-big part, is that for 20 years, I’d been told in various ways that “Sex doesn’t matter, I don’t need it the way you do, Once-a-month-need-it-or-not”, and other comments. Mostly they were made teasingly, but over a period of time, I think I started to react to it- as might be expected, hearing something over and over again will often lead people to believe it as truth, whether it is or isn’t.
In the last nine months, as we’ve talked about this more openly than ever before, I’ve also started to question why the consistent sexual overtones, either blatant and flat-out, or subtle but there, that are in every interaction that Lynn has, with men online. Some of them, are “Just friends”, but when even those that are now had originated as cyber partners, how much can be removed from the sexual? I’m becoming more convinced that it’s not as easy to turn into just friends online, as people may think- just as that’s very difficult to do, in real life, for some people.
No, there’s a constant background hum of sex throughout all of the friendships, and I guess my thing now, is to determine what do I do with that knowledge? Lately, really since the last time we had another round of intimacy with her “friends”, I’ve been almost giving up. Not in a life-sense, I guess, but more that if what I am, who I am and where our relationship is going isn’t enough, twisting myself into knots over it isn’t going to help.
So, I’ve been trying really hard, when I feel the jealousy rearing, to take a deep breath, and sit back and ask myself, “So what? You can’t do anything about it, she’s going to do what she wants to do anyway, so why even mention it?”
Maybe not a long-term method, but for now, I can function better this way. Who knows, maybe I’m being an ostrich, burying my head? I’m not sure, but at least I’m getting by.