A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

A Milestone

The therapist I’ve been seeing since last summer, since the day I didn’t die, told me today that in her professional judgment, we can switch to an on-call visit cycle- I don’t have to have scheduled appointments, unless I would prefer it. In other words, the differences that she sees in me, particularly since February, are noticeable enough and the progress in my fight against the black thing is far enough along, that I don’t need to see her as often.

Yay, and kudos, to me! I’ll take that! It feels great, because it validates some perceptions that I’ve had as well. As long as I continue to use the tools and the support that I’ve built up around me since that day, I know I can continue working my way toward the light still.

One of the nicest things, I was thinking about this, is that I no longer have the overwhelming terror that any bad moment, bad thing or bad day, means that I’m about to fall down to where I was. Intellectually, of course, I’ve known all along that everyone has bad days, and bad things are going to happen, and they don’t mean I’m about to commit suicide.

Emotionally, though, every time I’d have a down day, a bad moment, the fear of falling would rise up, and threaten to become overwhelming in and of itself. Perhaps that’s a natural thing, I don’t know, maybe that fear is what made me aware of the bad times so I could work through them better, at that time. But, I know this- I sure do like knowing, deep down inside, that I can have a bad mood and it doesn’t mean I’m losing my battle.

Other nice things, since we were talking about them-
I love the friends I’ve made in my nut-huts, the online support groups I found.
I love the friends we’ve made, together, Lynn and I as we’ve been working through our own problems.
I love my family, not just my wife and kids, but the brothers and sister and cousins and father and nieces and nephews. (well, most of them anyway! )
I love summer; my mood has steadily lightened with the lengthening days.
I love caring about Lynn, and her caring about me. Always loved her, it’s nice to be in love with her again.
I love, incredibly deeply, the new-found connection I’ve been forging with God, and His place in my life.

Soooo, I told Janet, I’ll call her if I need to, but for now, I’m on the ala carte plan, and loving it.

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Filed under: depression

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