A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Wandering Thoughts

“I’m not saying that you’ll ever forget, but if you are working on R {reconciliation} you need to forgive, sometimes daily.”
-From an internet support forum, for infidelity.

Lynn mentioned something about that a couple of weeks ago, how she feels that I haven’t forgiven, that she’s still under the microscope, despite what I wrote about here.

My reaction to that comment was that when I wrote this, I meant it- but that the reoccurring contacts occurred after that time, over and over again, and each time it brought the pain and hurt and feelings of betrayal up all over again, so is it surprising that my reactions would be similar?

I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about trust and forgiveness lately, particularly in the post-class time; I have been making conscious decisions, to not let some of the things bother me, to the best of my ability. Lynn is going to do what she wants to do (or, not do what she doesn’t want), I can’t change that fact; so, I’ve been trying really hard to let it go, when it comes up. Sometimes, it’s harder than others, but if I can keep reminding myself of the serenity prayer, it helps.

“Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change… The Courage, to change the things I can… And the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Serenity, is a struggle- I find myself wanting to fix things, to change what’s going on, to call for “Do Over!” None of which is productive, of course, just futile thrashing about, mentally and emotionally.

Courage, I’m sadly lacking, in a lot of cases;

Wisdom- well, wisdom. I have none. I wish I did, maybe then I’d understand why some days are so much easier than others, why sometimes the exact same set of events can drive me crazy, and an hour later be wonderful- or, at least, indifferent.

**

The portion of this post above the stars was written about 10 days ago, but was put on hold until now. On the Friday night of the Fire Company dinner, which was the evening of the day I’d started this post, when we’d had a wonderful time (at the dinner, and afterward, on the way home 😉 ), we were going to use this computer and do a little playing together, continuing the evening. All good, right?

Well, maybe not so much. Earlier that day, as I was writing the first part of this, I had been perusing the survivinginfidelity.com website, where I came across the passage quoted above, in the thread on reconciliation. That part is fine, but I had the site open as I was getting the quote, so on our return home when she opened the computer and signed in, the first thing she was greeted with was a website that, as she put it, “Slapped her in the face with what she had done…”

Now, I should say that I read here fairly frequently, although I post little, because it helps me to see and know that others have struggled through this, that there is a way to make a relationship even stronger than before, better than it ever was. Indeed, that although both people will be forever changed by an affair, that it can make you much more loving and supportive than you ever dreamed possible.

Unfortunately, Lynn didn’t take it that way.

She assumed that I was reading because it was still fresh, that I was using the site to vent or moan or bitch about her, or whatever her assumption was, and the next hour was tears and recriminations and explanations, etc, etc. She did settle down, and listen to how I use the site, and says she believes me, but I get the feeling that there is still some lingering doubt in her mind.

Why am I writing about this now? Because I’m still having troubles with the whole trust and forgiveness question that brought me there in the first place. I believe that there hasn’t been contact with the asshole, but because so much of where it all started is online, and phone, and all, every time she’s using the computer or talking to one of her boy-toys, I wonder.

Is this what our relationship is going to be now, going forward and forever? Will I have to always wonder, always speculate about who she’s talking to now, how intense is this one going to be?

So, forgiveness- one of the things that I’ve learned, is that it is a process, not a simple switch to be thrown. I don’t have angry, resentful thoughts when I think of Lynn, I have loving, caring and warm thoughts- which, based on a lot of reading and seeing what others have said on the subject, is a key factor. I don’t dwell on past events, reliving or stoking righteous anger, which also matches. I don’t fixate on what Lynn is “doing now”, although I still have moments of jealousy, I think I’ve gotten much, much better about dealing with them.

I don’t spy on her, or tap her phone, or search her emails or computer, (although I do still have her archive her chats, so if I do have a moment that I need to see what’s happening, I can ask her to sign in and see).

All of these things, to me anyway, are signals that I’m working through the past events, and moving forward. Looking forward, working now, I’m much better about just telling her, “I’m having a bad moment/day/night…” or, “I’m feeling sad/angry/jealous/worried…”

And, so often, we talk, we cuddle, we hold hands, we share our thoughts and feelings as we used to, we make love more now than we had in years and years, and certainly in far more adventurous ways and places and times.

So, a lot of rambling thoughts, which is good ‘cuz this is my meandering mind, but the bottom line is that the process is ongoing, but I truly and deeply feel that we’re making good progress, that we’re taking positive steps, and that in a few years, we’ll laugh together at how far we’d managed to drift, and how much better we are doing now.

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Filed under: progress, relationship

One Response

  1. Karen says:

    i think when we have to take a look at ourselves because of something another person has said, it does help us to sort out or to confirm our own thoughts. sometimes those comments from others shed new light, sometimes they confirm existing theories we have. through it all, and because you have kept a ‘journal’ of many things, you will one day be able to look back and see the differences, the improvements, the changes that each had to make.

    i guess God grants us this ‘uncertain’ time in order for us to come to terms with what was, what is and what will be. this uncertain time is not always comfortable, but at least it is a measure of our growth.

    i think you’re doing good. there seem to be less backward steps (one forward and two back) for you. an improvement that is easy to measure.

    *hugs*
    karen

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