A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me


Limitations. I was at the firehouse today, where we were holding a car wash to raise money, which we do several times during the summer months. I was picking up Rob, though, not actually washing cars, which not only is really boring but I can’t do anyway, right now, because of the arm shoulder neck c5 shit. Anyway.

The captain pulled me aside, and said, “You have to take care of a physical, the chief is starting to go nuts and he’s leaning all over me, you’re way overdue.”

“Bob, I’ve told you, I can’t pass a physical right now, that’s why I haven’t been responding nor drilling. I can’t do anything with my left arm and I can’t trust it.”

“Oh. I forgot. What are you going to do, you can’t stay on active status.”

So, I am now officially on medical disability, as far as the fire department goes. I’d wanted to avoid that, because it means I have to do extra doctor slips to return, and I kept hoping that the physical therapy and the meds would be enough. They haven’t been, and doesn’t appear that they will be, so I had to officially say I’m not capable of doing the job for now. Which sucks.

I came home later, and spent some time mowing, just thinking about what it is that I can do, and can’t do, and trying not to let it get depressing and awful. I have an appointment on the sixth with a neurosurgeon, and I’m sure hoping they can do something, because if I can’t do the simplest things I’m going to go insane. (Yes, I know I already am, but the degree of nutty-ness would go from a simple cashew to a full-size brazil nut).

I don’t really have much to say about this, but it’s on my mind, and nagging at me. I don’t like not being able to do things like put an air-conditioner in, and I don’t like having to think before I reach for something.

If they tell me that based on the symptoms and the degeneration, surgery wont help, and an epidural wont, I don’t know what’s left for options. Those are the only two that the physiatrist had left in her bag of tricks, so I have to pin my hopes on one or the other.

Is this when, just like a kid who will say “It HAS to be (whatever they want)” I get to say:

“But it HAS to work!” because if it doesn’t, I’m screwed?

I don’t want to be screwed, not in that sense anyway.


Filed under: arm, arthritis, limits, nerve, pain

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