A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Fooled You Again, Black Thing

Yesterday ended up being a really, really sucky day. The black thing descended in full force, brought on by a few things that in combination really tried to wipe me out. Dang thing is clever, figuring that if I was being down, what I call “situationally challenged”, it could try to fool me into thinking that it was back and going to take over once again. Ha, I fooled it this time though!

I had a moment of stupid jealousy pop up, after church, when I was lying down to rest my arm. For whatever reason, I had a series of mental images that popped into my brain, and replayed over and over, to the point where I wasn’t going to keep still. I was proud of my reaction to it though, instead of brooding and making myself crazy, I came downstairs and simply told Lynn I was freaking and jealous, and was going to go mow the lawn. I figured that’s productive, just mindless enough to let me work through my feelings, and just mindful enough (lest you run into a ditch) to keep me from dwelling.

It worked, not least because Lynn sent Beth out to ask for a ride; so, the two of us spent the next three hours mowing, and singing and chatting. It was beautiful, and helped some.

But when we’d finished, I was talking about not being able to do the firefighting, and such a tremendous welling of inadequacy, self-loathing and depression hit me, I had to leave the room. I lay on my bed, and couldn’t move, the whole inability to get up, drained of any and all energy so fast, it was awful. It was last summer all over again, and that is so frightening and dark, that it started the mental cycle downward. Being depressed feeds the feeling of invisibility and inadequacy, which depresses me, which feeds those feelings, round and round like a whirlpool, sucking me into the depths.

But… Lynn, praise God, is here now. She’s not a million miles away, and no longer so distant that she doesn’t care, or doesn’t notice. She came and lay next to me and held me, hugged me and kissed me, just gently all over my face and fingers and hands.

I slept some and I guess Jeremy just lay next to me on the bed for a while, and later still Lynn rubbed my feet and my legs, doing what she could to let me know that I matter, that she’s there for me again, that the black thing isn’t going to win.

Her phrasing is so telling, so wonderful: “This time, I’m here, and I’m going to fight for you, and I’m going to win.

“I will not lose, and you can know that deep in your heart.”

Soo, today, I got up, managed to get to work, and as I’m prepping for class, read a quote from Dorothy Dix:

“I stood yesterday. I can stand today. And I will not permit myself to think about what might happen tomorrow.”

It energized me. I realized that what Lynn and Beth and Jeremy were doing, the love they were showing me, the simple acts they performed were because I do matter, I am loved, they need me. If I could stand yesterday, I can darn well stand today, and unlike Dorothy, I can stand tomorrow too, because I have my family around me, I have Lynn back with me, side by side, and if I stumble she’s there to catch my hand and help me up.

Today, has been a not-so-sucky day. Today, is another first day of the rest of my life, and no black thing is going to fool me into thinking that because I’m frustrated or discouraged by life, that I am not worth living and that I can’t do whatever I need to do.

So there black thing, go away!

{Edited to add: I’m changing my sidebar motto again, ‘cuz I’m going to face down any and all demons that want to ride on my back!}


Filed under: depression

3 Responses

  1. Digger Jones says:

    “This time, I’m here, and I’m going to fight for you, and I’m going to win.”

    THAT is just to powerful!


  2. Karen says:

    ditto what digger said. 🙂

    and add *big hugs* from me with a sprinkling of prayer thrown in. hell, you’re in a win/win situation my friend. lol

    love you, always. no matter what.

  3. Redhead Editor says:

    Ditto what Digger said. Love and comfort can be as powerful as meds. Hang in there. You are not alone.

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