A lot of “one year since xyz.” around this time. Overall, I’m doing okay, but there are the moments that it pops into my head. I’m trying hard to balance the ugly with the good, which is that primarily one year ago, I wouldn’t have given odds that I’d still be married at this time. I may not have said no, but it was, at that time, a lot closer to breaking apart than to continuing.
Amazing what can be accommodated, I think sometimes.
A year ago, I asked Lynn something along the lines of where do you see us in a year? Where do you want us to be?
The answer was pretty much “right here, but closer than ever, able to share and talk, and each of us still having space for ourselves as well.”
That fit with my goals and dreams as well, so we made the decision to work on our marriage, together. So we went to a counselor, (who as I look back more and more, I’m not all that impressed with), we talked, we cried, we made desperate, at times almost anguished, love, we laughed and we screwed and we prayed, and we tried to find things we can do together.
I read a lot, many books on communication, on marriage-building tips, on forgiveness. I read the Bible, I started a long, but very, very wonderful journey to rediscover God in my life, and bring Him into our marriage again. I found that the support I’ve been using for depression, some of the online groups and the therapist and the people who love me, are sometimes good to have when I’m feeling alone and apart from Lynn as well.
I’ve learned to live with some things that I never thought I would, and learned to love other things that never entered my head that we would do. I never thought, not in a million years, that Lynn would be having cyber affairs regularly, and that I’d like hearing about it sometimes. I never thought, in a million years, that not only would she let me take sexy pictures, she would suggest things for them. I didn’t ever think we’d be wandering around on a nude beach, at a clothing optional resort; nor, that we’d be planning a second trip for next spring.
I didn’t really think, especially in the depths of my depression, that I’d ever care again, ever feel the love that I have in my heart now, ever again.
I still have my moments, my doubts and uncertainties, but slowly, ever so slowly and surely, I’m coming back. I’m becoming, again, a person that I can like, someone that I can feel has enough value to be worth keeping around. No matter what happens in our marriage over the next few years, whether something occurs to blow us apart or we’re even closer than now, I know that I will be okay.
I never thought that my best friends would be people I’ve never seen in person, and two of them I’ve never even heard their voices. I never thought I’d be writing like this, publishing it to the world and take me or leave me.
Interesting to look at a year, and look back at where I was, and where I am, and where I still want to go.