A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Two labor days

Labor Day weekend. Yes, I know it’s Wednesday already, but this weekend was busy, and fun, and exciting. It was also very much one of the “One year ago”, times. I can’t help but contrast them, because of the tremendous contrasts the two weekends hold.

Consider- that weekend, 2006, was the point that we had come closest in the very real sense, to ending our marriage. Rather, I had, because of the things I had learned during the week prior. Coupled with the lies that were ongoing, the continuing and ever-painful truths that were being dragged out to the open, and the specific knowledge that Lynn was still involved with him, I snapped. Tears, yells, for the first time I literally understood the “seeing red” phrase. I don’t ever remember hurting so much, and being so angry, and feeling so helpless in my life.

So, I left. I spent the day randomly driving, trying to keep the truck on the road in the torrential rain, peering through the gray, unable to see more than a couple of car lengths in front of me. Unfortunately, windshield wipers did nothing for the tears; do you know how hard it is, to drive, when you can’t see for crying?

I ended up lying on a motel bed, somewhere, thinking. Thinking of all that we’d shared, all that we were to one another, all that we would be losing and would be broken and torn. At that moment, I made a decision- it would be too easy, to call it quits. Not easy emotionally, financially, etc, but that would be the cowardly way. No, I was going to fight back. If our marriage was going to end, it wouldn’t be because I didn’t try.

So, I returned. We went out, and wow, did we fight. My throat hurt, my eyes were burning, Lynn was in tears, we talked, we argued, we raised our voices, we screamed. We hadn’t done that before, ever- we’re not screamers, we’re not yellers and throwers of things, but we sure did that day.

But, we ended up still together, and we’ve been fumbling along ever since. Throughout the year, there were a lot more times, a lot more tears, fights and recriminations. A lot more lying, a lot of minimizations, a lot of evasions- and a ton of “lying by omission”, which drove me crazy. (Still does, but that’s a different thing).

And, we got to this labor day weekend.

Consider, Labor Day weekend, 2007. We are probably closer than we’ve ever been, at least I firmly believe that. We spent the weekend together, with our kids, and good friends, with laughter and joy and sex. We invited excitement and sharing back into our lives, and welcomed their return.

Go from being at the brink of disaster, to being confident enough in one another to share adventures in voyeurism, exhibitionism, candid and honest talk with one another. From constant worry about “what is she doing,” to constant worry about “what can I do for her.”

The tears this weekend, this week- they’re from laughing so hard it hurts, and from being so incredibly grateful to be alive, to be together, to be a family still. Tears of bittersweet joy, as I see the kids growing, and I’m here to see it.

We’re not done yet, with this adventure. There are still things that aren’t right, and maybe they never will be. There will never be perfection, of course, and that’s okay, I don’t ask for that. Less omissions, fewer evasions would be good- but it’s getting there, we’re progressing; and as long as we do, as long as we’re still growing and wanting to be together, we’ll have time to work on it. That’s a precious thing to know, that we have made the time for ourselves to continue together.


Filed under: depression, lynn, meanderings, relationship

3 Responses

  1. Melissa says:

    I’m glad you went back to try. Sure sounds like it was worth it.

  2. Karen says:

    just wait until the 5th anniversary from the bad stuff… you’ll be blown away, i promise.


  3. Redhead Editor says:

    What joy in this post! I love happy endings.

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