A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Confidence and Trash Compactors

I’m posting this because I don’t know what else to do with it, but that’s okay, sometimes I just need to get things out of my head even if they don’t make a lot of sense

Confidence, and thoughts along those lines. The other day, we were talking, and somehow or other, Lynn asked me if I knew that she loved me. I guess my answer wasn’t a completely positive affirmation, and she said something about how she hopes that someday I’ll “know” it, with confidence and certainty.

It made me start to think about what has occurred, in our relationship over the past several years, and particularly in the last few years. I used to know, without a doubt, deep in my heart, that she loved me. If anyone asked, which would occasionally happen, “How do you know she’s not doing x, y or z?” my response was simple, and immediate- “Because she loves me, and I trust her completely.”

These days, I find that one of the most unsettling things in my life, is the missing confidence in that love that I used to have. It’s not even as simple as trusting, really- I’ve gotten back to that, at least as far as the immediate day to day things. As far as she’s able to be honest, anyway, I trust that she is. No, it’s deeper somehow, less a factor of our relationship than a lack of something inside me.

My mind wanders around this, coming back to it and circling it, approaching it from each side, as if to gain a different perspective somehow. I feel this lack of confidence in my own emotions, in my own valuation of myself; doubting that I’m loved, and doubting my own abilities to meet her needs. Not sure of anything, sometimes.

I didn’t realize what a busy place my emotional and mental life was, until I started really paying attention to them again. Ups and downs and ins and outs- and if my responses are just as bad as they have been, in terms of slamming lids on emotions, shoving them down and ignoring them, at least I’m more aware of that tendency and can try to guard against it. I don’t do very well at it, perhaps, and there are the days like today, when I’m actively running the trash masher, squashing those nasty messy emotions down. After all, if I can be the one pushing the buttons to squish them down, then I’m still in control of them, right?

Does anyone else use stupid little mental pictures to help with their thinking about emotions? I don’t even *own* a trash compactor, but that’s the first thing that popped into my mind, when I realized how viciously I’m not allowing them to bubble up, those icky emotions that unsettle me and disturb my thinking.


Filed under: emotions, relationship

2 Responses

  1. Phyllis Renée says:

    Yeah, those mental pictures really help to sort things out. Sometimes it can give clues into the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ of our thoughts and feelings.

    I don’t think it’s always a good idea to push emotions down. Though, at times, it’s necessary, a lot of times what we need to do is actually deal with them. Sort of give ourselves an interview on the what, when, why, and how of our emotions. Otherwise we can tend to set that bundle of trash over in the corner until it’s covered with maggots, threatening to infest other parts of our lives.

  2. Melissa says:

    Yep. In my mind, I shove things to the side, out of focus and out of range. When I’m ready, I deliberately look at them, invite them in, but sometimes having a bit of space to breathe and not react immediately is helpful.

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