I’m posting this because I don’t know what else to do with it, but that’s okay, sometimes I just need to get things out of my head even if they don’t make a lot of sense
Confidence, and thoughts along those lines. The other day, we were talking, and somehow or other, Lynn asked me if I knew that she loved me. I guess my answer wasn’t a completely positive affirmation, and she said something about how she hopes that someday I’ll “know” it, with confidence and certainty.
It made me start to think about what has occurred, in our relationship over the past several years, and particularly in the last few years. I used to know, without a doubt, deep in my heart, that she loved me. If anyone asked, which would occasionally happen, “How do you know she’s not doing x, y or z?” my response was simple, and immediate- “Because she loves me, and I trust her completely.”
These days, I find that one of the most unsettling things in my life, is the missing confidence in that love that I used to have. It’s not even as simple as trusting, really- I’ve gotten back to that, at least as far as the immediate day to day things. As far as she’s able to be honest, anyway, I trust that she is. No, it’s deeper somehow, less a factor of our relationship than a lack of something inside me.
My mind wanders around this, coming back to it and circling it, approaching it from each side, as if to gain a different perspective somehow. I feel this lack of confidence in my own emotions, in my own valuation of myself; doubting that I’m loved, and doubting my own abilities to meet her needs. Not sure of anything, sometimes.
I didn’t realize what a busy place my emotional and mental life was, until I started really paying attention to them again. Ups and downs and ins and outs- and if my responses are just as bad as they have been, in terms of slamming lids on emotions, shoving them down and ignoring them, at least I’m more aware of that tendency and can try to guard against it. I don’t do very well at it, perhaps, and there are the days like today, when I’m actively running the trash masher, squashing those nasty messy emotions down. After all, if I can be the one pushing the buttons to squish them down, then I’m still in control of them, right?
Does anyone else use stupid little mental pictures to help with their thinking about emotions? I don’t even *own* a trash compactor, but that’s the first thing that popped into my mind, when I realized how viciously I’m not allowing them to bubble up, those icky emotions that unsettle me and disturb my thinking.