A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Unsettled

I’m not sure if I’m regressing, or if Lynn is- but there’s something going on, or perhaps I’m just being foolish. Can’t tell for sure, so I asked her, last night, and was assured “Everything’s fine- I’m fine, we’re fine. Are you okay?”

I am, as far as I know, okay. My fear, of course, is that the black thing can sneak under my guard, and draw me down without my realizing, until way low, that I’m being pulled under, or wrapped inside its cold embrace. I know I’m feeling far away from Lynn, but whether that’s her, or me, I can’t tell.

I know that I don’t think it’s me, rather, but how can I tell? She’s chatting more again, and not coming to bed and/or going to bed at the same time as I am. There’s no random calls during the day anymore, and very few mentions of what’s happening in her day, beyond surface things: “Class was good, professor isn’t, photography is exciting, etc.”

We’re both busy, and trying to get back into the routines of kid’s sports, school runs, drama, band. We’re both taking classes- Lynn is an undergrad at the local college, and I’m taking Masters classes at the seminary in NYC- well, one class at a time, but that’s enough for me right now, while I explore whether or not I want to do more. I’m sure that just the business of our lives has something to do with it, but I don’t particularly like it, I guess.

I hate this feeling, where I’m not actually being “depressed”, or sad, but I have this gnawing in my heart, this feeling that there’s something ominous looming around the corner, or above my head. It’s rather the feeling I get sometimes, just before a major storm arrives, as the air gets heavy and still, and feels so humid you can’t breathe.

All I know how to do, for sure anyway, is to pray- to ask for strength, and courage, and the safety and happiness of the kids, and Lynn, and my family and friends- and even there, I’m not even exactly coherent at what I’m asking for. Lucky I don’t have to be, isn’t it?

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Filed under: depression, emotions, pray

3 Responses

  1. Karen says:

    is that stormy, heavy air feeling one of your ‘tells’? mine is a nasty feeling creeping up the back of my neck, the next step i get is crying and depression as if clouds are truly sitting on my head and i can’t get out from under them.

    if it’s a tell, then try to change your environment. i use music, burn oils, turn lights on, leave the house or work wherever i am i move away from there to somewhere else until i can breathe freely again.

    if it’s not a tell, then my suggestion is that you and Lynn need to schedule in time together. sounds funny? i’m deadly serious. make appointments and do not alter those appointments in your diaries for anything (apart from sickness of your children). make an appointment to meet up and go for a walk in a park, or to have a picnic lunch together, or to sit outside and have supper. anything. it doesn’t have to be costly. just make time to be together to help strengthen up those bonds again.

    *big hugs* you’re important to me. take care of yourself by doing whatever is necessary to bring you happiness. if everything is too much, then step back from some of it. take time off your course. whatever it takes.

    take care.
    -k
    xoxox

  2. Phyllis Renée says:

    I know that feeling. Unfortunately, usually the depression just suddenly comes over me. I’ll wake up and it’s there, gripping my mind and emotions without warning.

    I’ve found in the past few months, though, that being honest about when those times happen (I mean instead of trying to put on the happy face like everything’s “fine”) and talking about it with my husband and friends, those times don’t get to be as overwhelming.

  3. Melissa says:

    Trust can be such a difficult issue. Having it, losing it, finding it again. It’s natural to have moments of doubt, and it sounds like you’re doing what you can – keeping the lines of communication open and praying.

    All the best to you.

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