A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

I don’t like myself

Ever done something so stupid, you look at it and say, “What the f— was I thinking? Or, not thinking?”

I’m not generally a stupid person, overall, I’m reasonably intelligent, fairly articulate, a college graduate with a job that isn’t done by dummies. Sometimes that’s not enough, apparently, to keep me from doing really dumb things. Not even a minor, “pretty dumb thing”, or a tongue in cheek laugh, but a full-out all court press to win an award, for being an ass.

Over the past fifteen months, as I’ve tried to come to terms with and deal properly with depression, and then adding in the troubles that we’ve had in our marriage, I thought I was getting reasonably competent at expressing myself, at talking when I need to, or dumping here if I felt compelled to do so. Yet there are things that I still would hold back, and keep in reserve. A lot of these things, I was not sharing with Lynn, because it upset her to hear them, or made her sad, or feel guilty or blame herself; and certainly it’s not her fault, that I’m a fine candidate for the nut-hut. We often seem to do that, as each of us try to keep the other from being hurt, or sad, or whatever the case may be- to our detriment, as we’ve been struggling to learn.

Anyway, I hang out on some support websites, and read blogs, and chat with people here and there about things and life and love and depression. But, I made a friend, who began to share her own struggles, reactions to Zoloft and her relationship of six years that was crumbling, and shared with her my struggles with Lexapro and Wellbutrin and all, and some of what Lynn and I have been trying to cope with.

Nothing wrong with that, until I started to talk to her more than I should, and not tell Lynn that I was; no, I started doing exactly what I was so upset about, not telling Lynn who and what I was talking about, and not letting her know how often or how much we were talking.

See? Stupid. Even knowing better, even as I felt hurt and distant, I was doing precisely the opposite of what I should have been doing.

I don’t like myself, very much.

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Filed under: depression, friends, relationship, stupidity

3 Responses

  1. Phyllis Renée says:

    So now you know and you move on. Don’t waste a lot of time beating yourself up about it. Ask God for forgiveness and don’t do that again! *shaking my finger at you* :o)

  2. Phyllis Renée says:

    A lot of these things, I was not sharing with Lynn, because it upset her to hear them, or made her sad, or feel guilty or blame herself

    My husband used to tell me how he didn’t want to tell me certain things, because he knew it would make me mad. After we discussed it he realized he didn’t tell me those things because he didn’t want to change his behavior. I told him I might get mad about what he was telling me, but I would get over it. I think we become closer the more we share with each other, even if the topic could possibly hurt or be sad or whatever. That’s growing together. When we withhold those things from our spouse we are withholding ourselves from them.

  3. Snow White says:

    It’s okay not to like yourself on occasion, but you have to continue to love yourself! xoxox

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