Some random meanders
So I wonder, if I’m ever going to be a grown-up. I used to think being grown-up meant that you had your shit together; you were responsible; that you knew how to take care of your family and your kids; you were reasonably able to provide for them, or do your part if that’s what it needed; the emotional tailspins of being a kid, being a teenager, were over with, that you no longer felt alone, that you (or me, actually) felt as if things were at least moving along toward whatever your future would hold.
Apparently, I’m either:
A. Not a grown up yet
B. That’s not what it means
C. I’m nuts
I’ve found that, instead: I never seem to get my shit together; responsibility is a dirty word; I have no idea what to do for my family, or if I’m meeting their needs; I can work my ass off, and it’s never quite enough; and my emotions are probably more mixed up and roller-coaster-ey than they were when I was a teenager.
So unless my definition of being a grown-up needs revising, perhaps into something like: one who is usually confused, often discouraged, feeling inadequate for his family, emotional and not sure what’s happening next. If that’s the definition, then I’m doing okay.
My fear, is that that’s not quite how it works though, that I don’t get to modify the definitions to fit me.
It’s so great, to sit around the kitchen table at dinner time, and have the whole gang here. JT arrived yesterday for the long weekend, and all six of us had dinner together. There’s something so wonderful, so right, about having us all together, where they belong; even if he goes out, which he does a lot, he’s “home” at night- and I love that feeling.
Lynn said something about using the camera the other night, just conversation. I said, “whatever”, and she said something about “just telling me”. I don’t get it- and told her so. I don’t understand what more I can give, and she wont or cant say herself… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this information, cheer? It’s not as if I didn’t already know she hadn’t come to bed until four, or that she was trying to do something with the headsets, and all- cuz they’re out on the desk, and weren’t before. So if the deal is that I don’t need to know, then why bother to tell me?
Thanksgiving, since we’ve moved to New York, has been an all over the place holiday. We’ve spent it with strangers in Brooklyn; in Palm Springs, in Connecticut, in New Jersey. We have very seldom spent it here, though, or that’s what it seems like to me. This year, we’ll be heading to Jersey, to a nephew’s house, with their little guy and his wife. Such a nice little boy he is, and cute as cute can be- should be a great day.
This year, I am especially thankful for friends, new and old. I haven’t had friends, good friends, in a long long time, and I’m grateful for those that I’ve met and made over the past year- for showing me that I can be, and can have, friends.