A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Shiney Sharp

Always, in my toolkit, is a box of single-edge razor blades. They’re incredibly useful, for scraping, for shaving wood or fiberglass, for stripping and trimming wires. The other day, I was using a razor blade to work on a computer power cord, and I found myself almost overwhelmed by a cold rush of fear. I actually dropped it, as if it was burning my fingers, as if it was a snake that would lash out and strike. Just picking up this simple tool, this inanimate object, gave me such a horrid, cold feeling that I can’t really describe it.

Why? Because the lowly blade was going to help me, back in the dark, to find a way to stop hurting. Scary, to look back now, and see how close I came, more than once, to permanent darkness- for although I do believe in God, and heaven, I’m not so sure about getting there personally.

Thank God, thank Frank Warren and PostSecret, and Cassie of the 1-800-suicide story on that website, I’m not in that darkness, not now. No, these days, although I have my moments (probably too many of them), I’m able to laugh, love and function, I can get on with my days most of the time, and I can continue to seek out ways to shove the Black Thing back and away.

And, best of all- I can pick up that blade, that bit of shiny stainless steel, and use my hands to guide it, and repair a computer cord with it- and when done, put it away where it belongs, a useful tool that doesn’t have any larger place in my life, anymore.

And that’s a good feeling.

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Filed under: depression, frank warren, postsecret, razor blade, suicide

6 Responses

  1. for a different kind of girl says:

    No words I can really add here. Just that there’s a calm in knowing you are in the place you are now rather than that you were before. Thoughts with you…

  2. redheadedtomboy says:

    I just tried posting a comment but it failed..so I am trying again.

    I am SO glad that you are doing much better! It wouldn’t be the same without you blogging out here with us. I am happy for you and your family that things are better. We all have our days of darkness, but just know there are always people who care…those who want nothing more than to see you smile and hear you laugh…and will do anything to be sure you do!

  3. Melissa says:

    What a powerful post. Isn’t it interesting how the same object can call up different feelings at different times in our lives? I’m glad to read that it’s been relegated back to a simple useful tool.

  4. Kittie Kate says:

    You’re not supposed to shove away the darkness. If you bring light into it, it’s better. Because I’ve had that as a child. I didn’t think I was going to make it to 25.

  5. Kittie Kate says:

    By the way, adding you to my blogroll. 🙂

  6. Sailor says:

    fadkog- Thank you for the thoughts, that too is a way to help 🙂

    rhtb- I appreciate that too, and love being around to read all of these blogs as well.

    Melissa- I’m very glad as well- because if not, what would I use to scrape paint if I drip on a window pane??

    kittie kate- I used bad wording perhaps; I usually think of it more as Madeleine Le’Engles “Black Thing”, being overcome by what, in the end, turned out to be love.
    Thanks for the blogroll add, too 🙂

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