A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

One flew into the Cuckoo’s nest

I know, the title of the book is “One flew OVER…” but, I didn’t. I flew into the cuckoo’s nest.

Flew into a brick wall, as well, or that’s what it felt like.

I’ve just returned from a few days in what I refer to as the nut-hut, because I had a major depressive episode on Sunday night. Looking at Lynn’s face and the expression in her eyes, as she was watching me, convinced me that the best thing to do was to remove myself to a safe place, but one where my own loved ones didn’t have to take on the responsibility of keeping me from hurting myself.

Not the easiest thing to do, because despite all of my knowledge and intellectual understanding, there’s still the underlying resistance to needing help for a mental illness. I can tell myself over and over that it’s just another part of the body that gets sick sometimes; and most of the time, I even believe it. But it’s still not the greatest feeling to know that your brain isn’t working right, and needs to have something just in order to do what normal people do without thinking about it.

So, a mixed week around here. Bad, in that it’s never fun when the black thing rears up, and this was a nasty vicious attack; but good, too, because I was able to ask for the help I needed, when I needed it.

I also realized, over the days, how much I love and value the friends I’ve been making lately. Many of them are online but I find that a pretty neat thing all by itself- it’s easy to talk here, and easy to share thoughts that would be much slower in coming, if there were more of the social conventions to be followed first.

I was struck again, by how loving my family is; Lynn was there, twice a day, for the full hour allowed, just to talk, to bring coffee that isn’t slop, and clean undies- and whatever else was needed, just to hear her tell me that she wasn’t going to let me come between us, was so fundamentally needed I can’t express it all.

I have so many things that I want to write about, observations that struck me, while I was there, but can’t yet articulate; so, if you read here regularly, you’ll have to put up with that for a while, I suspect.


Filed under: "cuckoos nest", "mental illness", depression, family, friends, friendship, love

9 Responses

  1. redheadedtomboy says:

    HEY! I am so glad you are back. Thank God you are ok. Hang in there my friend. We love you!!!

  2. Conduit says:

    Big hug for ya brother…

  3. for a different kind of girl says:

    You’re a lovely man, and I have to imagine it’s a huge step toward good things when you can recognize when you need to seek help. How lucky you are to have the family strength you’re getting.

    Many positive thoughts to you!

  4. C-Marie says:

    Glad your back!

  5. Kittie Kate says:

    Good to see you writing again!

    Good that your friends and family are supportive of when the black comes. Don’t ever take them for granted.

  6. Phyllis Renée says:

    Glad you’re doing better!

  7. Melissa says:

    Though we all wish the black would never darken your doorstep again, it’s known to be a pushy houseguest and I’m glad your family and Lynn in particular were there to bid it adieu. Glad to hear you’re doing better!

  8. Therese in Heaven says:

    I’m so sorry that you’ve been struggling. Its good that you have family and friends (internet friends count too!) to help you during this time.

    Peace to you!

  9. Redhead Editor says:

    Asking for help? Wow, that is just way too mature for someone as goofy and young as you, but I am damn glad you did. I am so honored to call you “friend.”

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