Sometimes, I get the feeling that there’s something looming, some dark bad thing is about to happen someplace in my life. A rather vague, unsettled feeling of nervous anticipation, but not like something particularly good, either. Rather, it’s something that is going to spell bad news, for me or mine.
Today, is one of those days.
I don’t like the feeling, either. It’s too reminiscent of the depression, although it’s not quite the same. I can’t really articulate the difference, either, but it is very much a different feeling. I don’t feel despair, nor worthless, nor that my family would be better off without me, nor am I fixating on death or thinking of suicide.
No, this is weird, and it’s happened before, and I don’t know why. I’ll spend a couple of days with this odd tightness in my center, and then it will pass- or it always has, anyway, so I figure this time it will, too.
Does anyone else do this, I wonder? Or is it just one of the quirky individual symptoms that I get, and it’s really just being depression-in-disguise? I’m making sure to take care of all the regular “things” that the docs tell me, that the support-groups say, will help, such as eating properly, sleeping properly, not sitting ’round doing nothing, so I’m hoping that this is just a mood that will pass.
Funny, in a way, that for so long I drove moods away, I killed emotions as thoroughly as I possibly could, to find myself having to re-learn how to accept and welcome them again. All the things that I’ve always known, about how dangerous it is for me to suppress feelings, to bury and stuff them down, I’m having to practice again letting them out and up and to exist. Maybe that’s what I’m feeling? Don’t know, but I figured sending the feelings out here might be a good place to start letting it go.