A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Two Years, will I ever not notice the date?

I wrote something last year, that I was just looking back on, as I noticed (again) that July tends to roll around each year. Funny how that happens, isn’t it?

Anyway.. now looking at two years, since that scary dark time, when I chose not to drive into the bridge- I never calculated it, but what would the timing work out to be, if traveling at 93 mph, and came less than a foot from the concrete? I guess it doesn’t matter much, because the point is still that I’m here, and I didn’t do that, thus (obviously) I am not dead and buried.

A lot of ups and downs though- as I wrote last year, I said that I would be eternally grateful for that space, the distance that came between that bridge and me. As I’m writing this now, I can feel that still- or rather, again, for it was earlier this year, back in March, that I’d forgotten completely the gratitude, and once again was in a place that was not-so-good.

So it’s been two years, and it’s been four months, about. Today, I saw the pshrink again, and he wants me to add another med, to try to disrupt the cycles and seesawing. He didn’t think it was so good that I don’t sleep consistently either, so we’ll try this and see what happens.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is just normal for me? That I’m just not going to get to an even(er) place, and I get pretty fatalistic about it; that I will just deal with this, oh well and move on. But then, I’ll get a glimpse, I’ll catch a piece of joy in my heart, from the kids, from a photo or a friend, or I’ll feel God or Lynn’s touch- and I figure, can’t hurt to keep trying to reach that point, right?



Filed under: depression, , , ,

6 Responses

  1. At this point- I can’t ever tell you I know how you are feeling. My Father deals with depression – his mainly streams from how sick he really is. But I pray for him. And I am praying for you. I do hope you find a happy medium.

  2. Desmond Jones says:

    Well, I’m glad you chose as you did, Dave. No matter how black it gets, there are people who love you and need you around. . .

    I’ve struggled a bit with depression in my young life, but nothing like where you’ve been. Keep fighting the good fight, man. . .

  3. On different levels, I’ve had similar thoughts and struggles. I think, as you mention, the joy in our hearts needs to be the loudest, strongest thing we allow in. Prayers for you as you keep fighting.

  4. therese says:

    I can’t iamgine what all this feels like. I’m so sorry. But I concur with Desmond. You made the right choice, and I’m certainly glad that you are here in blogworld.

  5. You have become so dear to me this past year as I, too, struggle with the Black Thing. Always know that you are my ray of light as you are to so many. Never ever forget that… even in dark places. You are surrounded by so much love and are truly blessed. I know you know that. Just never let me forget to tell you.

  6. allthings101 says:

    Yes, thank God you chose to struggle through the dark! You have so much strength. I can relate to your struggle in many ways. This year I have had so many good things happen in my life, but a string of bad. Then, some final blows/I feel depressed. I have struggled with anxiety all my life. In my case, it’s ironic…never did drugs in my youth, but I’m addicted to prescription drugs. Finding that out, was one of the blows that put me in a dark cloud. How do you cope? I keep thinking tomorrow the cloud will lift…even a little, but it hasn’t.

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