Sometimes, I think that depression sucks. Okay, so of course it does, always, but some days more than others. Not always on a day when I feel like it’s raring up, either- sometimes, there’s just this unsettled, uncomfortable feeling in my guts, with emotions churning, that really have no basis for being there.
Today, is one of those days. I had a great week, Lynn and I have been talking well, and not arguing (fighting?) about things, the kids have been okay overall, they have spats and Nick and Rob got into it the other day, but that’s par for the course. As of now, they’re good, and hanging out as best friends.
So, why am I sitting here, feeling as if there’s a huge weight about to hit me from above? I feel like the cartoon characters, right before the anvil drops- or how they’d feel, if they had the same premonitions. I actually have had more sleep, and better sleep, in the last three days, than in months- although last night I was up again, still, it’s not unusual for me to not sleep these days.
Heck, I even started using the elliptical properly again. I was so bad, over the summer and last spring, but I’m back to 30 minutes on level four, which is where I was last year. It’ll take some time to get back to the speed and get the wind and heart rate responding, but I’ll get there.
Then, there’s the problem I have, with what to tell Lynn. I hate telling her if I’m feeling down, because it brings that terrified look back in her eyes- and this isn’t, so far, anything like a depressive episode, just weird. But, we’re both so conscious of changes, that it gets frightening for her; and, I really really don’t want to be the cause of that fear and pain, in her.
I wonder, will I ever be able to just feel something, without having to watch so carefully, that it’s not the black thing sneaking in the back way? Or is this the rest of my life, watching and waiting and scared of what I feel?
Huh. Guess the title of this blog is wrong again. Sigh. Oh well, too much trouble to change it- I’ll just have to get a bigger harder rock, methinks.