A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Four Years

So yesterday, we took the oldest boy to his internship, over in New Haven. It was interesting, as we drove, because I was thinking about the first trip to take him to college, four years ago.

I wrote about that, then, but have since shuffled the blog around and you can’t read it anymore; but, I got to thinking about that summer, the summer that led to hell fall; suicide averted, depression and black things, that cold, cold summer of darkness and despair.

As we drove, as I was thinking of that time, a song came on, and there was a line that struck me, hard; the song is “I Run for Life” http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/s/I+Run+for+Life/2nxtXV by Melissa Etheridge.

The line, was this:

How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I’m still learning the lesson
To waken when I hear the call

She is talking about cancer, and the darkness, and preserving her soul. Well, that’s good, but I was thinking of a different darkness, and wondering what kind of toll it takes. How have I changed, what have I learned- what lessons, if any? Have I wakened? Also, could there please be something like a partial ‘soulectomy’, I’d gladly give up whatever it is that allows the dark thing to root and grow…

I dunno what all I still have to learn, and I don’t know that I’m done learning them- even if, as now, depression is far off and more a memory of darkness, than an immediate fear (thank God for that)… but it seems that often, when I reflect, I find new little bits and pieces that fit together, that seem to be something that I’m supposed to take away and learn. Learn, from the depths of that time, and in the struggles since; learn, from the cold numbness of depression, to the hot anger of jealousy and betrayal; learn, from the new way of seeing things, too.

I’ve learned, that I can’t neglect my own self, by trying to do to much, or be too much, to others. I have to remember that I wont do anyone any good, if I’m not around to do things.

I’ve learned that (as strange as it seems to me, still!), I’ve learned that there are people that actually like me, want me to stick around, enjoy my company- who knew!

I’ve learned that I’m a pretty good friend to have, sometimes, and I’m actually kind of proud of that; I don’t (or didn’t) have many friends, for a long long time- I was content to work and be invisible, and do solitary activities, because it’s easier and doesn’t hurt.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to love a whole lot, that it’s not something that has to be clutched, doled out in dribs and drabs, in case I run out; no, the more I love, the more I’m loved in return. I’ve learned this about love, too, that there’s all kinds of loves and all kinds of people that I can love, and it doesn’t take away from the rest.

I’ve learned that I have somethings to do still, even if it’s not always exactly clear what they are. I’m here for somethings, and I’m learning to listen, to watch, to pay attention and try to see what those things might be, without being afraid of them.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to enjoy sex and sexuality, that there’s nothing wrong with that, that explorations and games and laughing silliness are okay, and that guilt about enjoying it is silly.

I’ve learned, and this one is big for me, and I love it- I’ve learned to sing again. No, not well, not like music lessons and such- but I’ve learned to let it belt out and enjoy the music again, and so what if it’s out of tune, or off-key, or makes no sense?

I figure there’s lots more to learn, lots more growing to do, lots more explorations still to come; but, I also think I’ve come a long way, in four years, and today at any rate, I’m wondering what the next four years will be like.

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13 Responses

  1. Craig says:

    And good on ya, Dave! If we are honest with ourselves, we ALL have piles of stuff that we’ll spend the rest of our lives learning. . .

    Of course, your life is connected with lots of others – your wife and kids at the top of the list. But even your humble fellow-bloggers care for you, even at whatever minimal level. . .

    Being a good friend is a very good thing to be, and God bless you for that. And go ahead – love unreservedly; like you say, it’s not like you’re gonna run out. . .

    You can be very glad that, whatever the cost in your personal pain, you’ve come from where you were to where you’re at. It’s all good, my friend. . .

  2. Dave says:

    Craig: Thanks… will be interesting to see what else I learn, I rather find myself looking forward to that; and that, too is a change, lol

  3. Cocotte says:

    I’m sorry to hear of your pain over the last 4 years, but glad that you are now on a better path.

  4. Melissa says:

    Going into the next four with the level of appreciation you have for the past four, I can’t imagine they’ll be anything short of remarkable. Your eyes and ears are open!

  5. Dave says:

    Cocotte: Thanks, it’s much better, but I still reflect 🙂
    Melissa: I’m trying!

  6. tam says:

    Well, I am very proud of and for you! You have a beautiful family and I am glad that you are doing so much better. I can truthfully say you’ve helped me by listening/reading my dribble about some of my crappy past. And you know what… I’ve learned a lot too and I will continue to learn. One thing I’ve learned is to love myself (including my stupid mistakes) and it’s helped me to love everyone else too.

  7. Dave says:

    Tam: Thanks! I know you’ve helped me too hon, a ton, in a lot of ways; sharing and listening and reading is all part of it, so if it’s helped you, too, then great! Glad you’ve come to be able to love yourself, that’s a wonderful thing all by itself- yay!

  8. We rise from the depths. I cannot believe I have been on this journey with you and loved every minute of knowing you. You do have lots of friends because you are a wonderful friend. My life has been made so amazingly wonderful because you are in it. Miles cannot keep our souls apart.

  9. Dave says:

    redheadeditor: Thanks, I appreciate our friendship, too!

  10. Beryl says:

    How did I miss that you posted? I am usually such a good little blog stalker. LOL…

    I love this post. I’ll be reading it again. And yes, you are an amazing friend!

  11. Dave says:

    Beryl: Thanks, and awww, you’re making me blush, lol!

  12. vixen kitten says:

    Amazing post…and such powerful things to learn.

    I wanted to stop by and say thank you for making my guest feel loved and welcomed today. There was no attached email addy, so I stopped by here. I hope you don’t mind.

    I stopped by to say thank you, but now that I see read this post, I want to read more, so I’ll be back over the weekend, when I have more time. Besides, if Beryl is a commenter, I know you must be a great guy!

    Enjoy your weekend.

    xoxo
    ~vk~

  13. Dave says:

    vixen kitten: Thanks, appreciate it, of course I don’t mind. Have a great weekend yourself!

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