A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

An Apology, Because I’m an Ass.

A bit of angst here, Friday and Saturday. Lynn was upset, because she felt that everything I’ve been writing and sharing portrays her in a negative light, that I’m only seeing bad feelings and actions on her part, and not on my own.

So, some more details of what I wrote about here, my own actions that mimicked what hurt me badly, and why we’ve been stressing about it. I will only preface this by saying that I’m very, very sorry for my actions, which hurt her so badly, and doubt very much that I’ll ever forgive myself for them.

I had made a friend, online, in a game of gin on Pogo.com. (Which is a great place, very fun, and we both play there a lot). Anyway, we started playing gin a lot, and soon enough chatting on Yahoo as well. We talked, we laughed, and we shared stories and feelings that we had both been dealing with. We spoke about music, and families, and she told me of difficulties in her relationship that was pretty much ending. One of the things I loved, was being able to talk openly about being depressed, and how the meds interfere with my life, and other feelings that I was less than comfortable sharing directly with Lynn. We exchanged phone numbers, and began to talk to one another as we drove to work, and at lunchtime, or random points when we could each take a break at the same time.

What is the problem here? I was not fully honest with Lynn, about how much we were talking, and not always open about what we were talking about. I’d mentioned while Lynn was at the cabin, that I was talking to her, but not how much or how often; in fact, I would minimize the amount of interaction we were having. I’m not really sure why, I guess, and at this point all I can say is that I was stupid, thoughtless, and very, very much in the wrong.

What it led to, is a huge, overpoweringly large bill for the cell phone. The minutes added up faster than I realized, and I’ve been used to having flat rate phones or company phones, so I never connected that I’d gone way, way over our plans limits. Over twice as many, in fact, and a bunch of text messages as well.

Yes, I was dumb, it was an asinine thing to do, and very much compounded by having to pay a bill that would have covered tai kwon do for one of the kids, for a year. Ouch. Very much a bad thing.

Worse than that, though, is the minimization and secretiveness that I was doing. Not worse for the checkbook, but certainly worse for our relationship. I can’t excuse it, on any level, and know well that my actions were wrong, and inappropriate and hurtful.

Lynn, this is for you, because I do love you dearly and want to have an honest and open relationship with you- including sharing my own failings and inadequacies with you.

I love you.

This will be my 100th post, Kindof fitting that a milestone post is also an important one, I think

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Filed under: apology, lynn, relationship

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