A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Count your Blessings

Yesterday, I stopped taking the pain and nerve medications. I decided, after thinking about it for a while, and from what the primary Doctor’s reaction was, to the prescriptions that the physiatrist had given me (Basically, “Oh. Are they any help at all?” Which, isn’t clear so much as his tone, which was very clearly indicating that he wondered why she bothered).

It made Lynn mad, but I haven’t been getting any better by taking them, and they’re bugging me with side effects that I didn’t like, so I figured that if I stop taking them and nothing changes, then nothing has been lost. If I stop taking them, and I hurt more or the numbness gets worse, well then it’s easy enough to start taking them again. So today was the second full day without them, the first work day and all I’ve noticed is a bit of extra soreness in my neck. The numbness hasn’t increased or decreased, my range of motion is the same, so I’m not really sure that the drugs had any effect at all, except to make the doc feel that she was doing something.

That’s probably unfair, I’m sure she is doing her best, but it’s frustrating to have no change for not taking them.

So, the next thing is to find the anesthesiologist, and setup to have an epidural and more physical therapy. From there, who knows?

I was speaking at work today, about stress and how we deal with it, and shared my worries about the arm, and what if it doesn’t get better? What if this is what it is, and all the limitations that it puts on me.

BUT, this class is partially based on how we deal with stress, and how to manage worry so that it doesn’t consume you.

So I also shared something that I was trying to put into practice, one of Dale Carnegies’ principles:

“Count your blessings, not your troubles.”

Simple words, but very powerful:

I can pray, I can work, I can type, I can read, I can hug. I can cuddle. I can take photographs, I can walk. I have the kids, I have friends, I have Lynn.

The list can go on, and on, and when I really look at it, and think about it, well, my troubles are really not anything much. So, I’m trying my best to remember to count those blessings, and let the troubles fall where they may.

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Filed under: arm, arthritis, blessings, depression, learning, limits, pain, pray, relationship

Ouch

Limitations. I was at the firehouse today, where we were holding a car wash to raise money, which we do several times during the summer months. I was picking up Rob, though, not actually washing cars, which not only is really boring but I can’t do anyway, right now, because of the arm shoulder neck c5 shit. Anyway.

The captain pulled me aside, and said, “You have to take care of a physical, the chief is starting to go nuts and he’s leaning all over me, you’re way overdue.”

“Bob, I’ve told you, I can’t pass a physical right now, that’s why I haven’t been responding nor drilling. I can’t do anything with my left arm and I can’t trust it.”

“Oh. I forgot. What are you going to do, you can’t stay on active status.”

So, I am now officially on medical disability, as far as the fire department goes. I’d wanted to avoid that, because it means I have to do extra doctor slips to return, and I kept hoping that the physical therapy and the meds would be enough. They haven’t been, and doesn’t appear that they will be, so I had to officially say I’m not capable of doing the job for now. Which sucks.

I came home later, and spent some time mowing, just thinking about what it is that I can do, and can’t do, and trying not to let it get depressing and awful. I have an appointment on the sixth with a neurosurgeon, and I’m sure hoping they can do something, because if I can’t do the simplest things I’m going to go insane. (Yes, I know I already am, but the degree of nutty-ness would go from a simple cashew to a full-size brazil nut).

I don’t really have much to say about this, but it’s on my mind, and nagging at me. I don’t like not being able to do things like put an air-conditioner in, and I don’t like having to think before I reach for something.

If they tell me that based on the symptoms and the degeneration, surgery wont help, and an epidural wont, I don’t know what’s left for options. Those are the only two that the physiatrist had left in her bag of tricks, so I have to pin my hopes on one or the other.

Is this when, just like a kid who will say “It HAS to be (whatever they want)” I get to say:

“But it HAS to work!” because if it doesn’t, I’m screwed?

I don’t want to be screwed, not in that sense anyway.

Filed under: arm, arthritis, limits, nerve, pain

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