A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Really long over 2 days venting kindof

Yesterday, Lynn went and had coffee with a friend, that she’d been playing in pogo for a long time. They’ve played different games, and talked, and phoned, but never met. So she called me at work, and wanted to know if I cared if she met him for coffee.

I did, a lot more than I realized I would. She’s met one other person through playing on pogo, a few years ago, and it was no big deal- I guess the difference then to now, is that at the time she met the first guy, if you’d asked me if I was worried that it might be more, I’d say with total and complete confidence, “Nope. No reason to be worried, at all.”

Now, even after a year’s worth of talking, of sharing and trying to stay on top of our relationship and my own emotions, I want to know- when will something like that stop bothering me? I said go, of course, I do believe her when she tells me he’s just a friend, that they talk is all, they’ve never had anything in the relationship that is sexy or chatting or cyber or cam, or anything like it- but, tell that to my emotions, will ya?

I was so jealous, an emotion that I didn’t know for years, because I never had to be. Even back in high school, people would comment, because I never got jealous; they seemed to look at jealousy as some form of indication of caring. My view, however, has always been that jealousy is a sign of a lack of trust, and since I trusted Lynn unconditionally, there was no need to be jealous.

Adding to an already down day, which had been building over a week as the anniversary of my mom’s death was approaching, and I pretty much felt like I wanted the world to stop yesterday. I curled into a ball on my bed, and tried to become numb. Didn’t work, of course, but at least I was aware of my reactions, and even if I didn’t have the energy to do something constructive with it, I am much more self-aware than I was a couple years ago, and up through last summer.

Today, wasn’t much better. I got some work done, but kept thinking about last night- I was heading to bed, and Lynn said she’d be up in a few minutes. So I waited, an hour and a half, before I fell asleep. She did come to bed, finally- at 2:00, apparently. Seems she’d decided that chatting with a friend was more interesting. Which made me feel like I’m unimportant, and don’t matter.

So we were talking about things today, as she’d sent me an IM- I had fallen asleep, and she was leaving for class- saying that she thought talking about some subjects with her was too hard, that she was causing me more stress. I didn’t get that one, at all- am I supposed to talk to her, or not? That’s what I had said, that I didn’t share some things because it upsets her; talking about last summer, about feelings I have when I don’t like myself, or thinking about some of the past things, that I want to be done with but am not. Apparently, it makes a difference if she thinks she’s upsetting me, it’s okay, but if I’m worried about upsetting her, it’s not? I don’t know.

The rest of this post is being written Wednesday evening, I never did finish last night

So, where am I? Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. Lynn and I were talking and She’d made some comment, that the “rules” have changed, and she doesn’t feel that she should have to tell me if she talks, or shares photos, or cams anymore. We had to pause the conversation some, for a kid run, and then she’d fallen asleep, so some of this is the middle of the night, and some this morning.

During the night, I re-asked her to please tell me if she was camming, etc, etc. She said she would, but not happily. So, when I wasn’t sleeping, I did a lot of thinking. This morning, I told her that I didn’t want her to tell me. She was happy about that, but did say it felt different, than when I’d told her to stop archiving her chats- which I’d actually told her several times, that she didn’t have to do that. She said that that felt more like I was telling her because I trusted her more, and this was more that I “had to”.

So, I didn’t say anything, until she basically said I should spit out what it was I was thinking, so I just told her: I’d decided that since in the last year, she’s not bothered with telling me despite repeatedly assuring me she would, that it wasn’t worth my getting upset about anymore. She’s not going to change what she does anyway, and since she’s not able to do what (in my mind is a simple, and not unreasonable request) she says she will, I’m done worrying about it.

Her comment was something along the lines of “I’m more likely to tell you now anyway, because I don’t feel like I have to.” I didn’t say it, but it struck me as a pretty childish reaction, rather like “I’ll do it because I want to, not because I said I would.” But, I can’t change that, either.

At this point, I guess I’m just trying to find a way to let it go and not think about it anymore. I commented that it took her a year, but her “working on it”, has been successful. She gets to cam and chat and talk and whatever, and if she feels like it she’ll tell me. The nice part about it though, is that I can actually feel a tightening in my gut loosening today- because if I don’t have an expectation that she’ll tell me, it wont hurt if she doesn’t.

We’ll see how this goes, anyway.


Filed under: cam, chat, cyber, depression, lynn, phone, relationship

Hot chats and Cams

There is something illicit, forbidden, almost, in the reactions I have when Lynn pops up an invitation to “View my webcam”. Even when we’re in the same room, the little thrill that runs through me when she does that, is exciting. Knowing, perhaps, that it’s because for so long I didn’t know she was using it, that she was showing and playing with cams, and cyber and phone, and I was oblivious to it. Yes, I had some clues, but mostly I didn’t pay attention to them- because it was so far out of character, I dismissed the idea before it could even form. Not Lynn, she’d never do that- or so I thought!

In reality, she did, she does, and these days I’m usually aware of it, because most of the time she tells me. The conversations may go “I was chatting to nnnn today, and it got hot.”

“Did you cam?”

“Yeah, is that okay?”

It always has been, as long as she’s honest about it- the checking is just that we’re still finding our way through all this.

Last night, though, was even hotter- similar to a couple weeks ago, she was chatting with a guy, and he wanted to see her cam. The difference is that I was sitting at my computer, and so as she showed him, I was watching as well- split-screen, as it were, I could see her directly, and also had a view of the camera. She showed off her breasts, her hard nipples, and licked one of them for us. She lowered the camera, slowly, teasing him (and me, but he didn’t know this), opening her robe a bit. Eventually, she had it focused directly where he wanted it, playing with her lips and showing him her arousal.

He finished himself, and after they’d said goodbye, we went to our bedroom. This is the same guy who had teased and cajoled her into doing things on cam that were far, far outside her comfort zone, even beyond the bare fact of having it on, and showing her body to him. She made a comment, something about, “I always knew I’d show the two of you together someday,” that made me even more excited. I find it a thrill, for whatever weirdness is in me, to know that it excites her to turn me on, and turn on another guy as well.

Very very hot, to watch, to see what he’s seeing, to know that her words in the chat, her picture in the cam, are making him as hot and aroused as I was, as she does to me. Interesting times, this September.

Filed under: cam, chat, lynn, sex, sexuality


“I have something to share with you,” she said. “I gave him a little flash last night.”

Hot, hot, hot.

She told me that she was chatting with a friend, one of the guys she’d been flirting with, and it got hot; he had a cam, she had a cam, and they talked one another into using them. She described for me her feelings, what was exciting and arousing, what was silly and fun. At the same time, I had her touching herself, telling me exactly what she was doing and directing her fingers and hands, while I was listening to her voice and breathing and little, oh so soft, moans and sometimes a gasp.

She showed me, via camera, what she had shown him, her gorgeous nipples and breasts- when she gets excited and they get dark and swollen and crinkly on the areola, it’s such an exciting thing to see. I showed her what hearing about and seeing her did to me, how much she excites me and how I long for her to be home with me, in our bed, in my arms.

We ended up on the phone for a long time, both while we were on the computers, and as she lay there in the double bed on the porch. I told her where I wanted her fingers, on her clit, in her warmth, pressing and rubbing until she couldn’t hold back, had to let go, had to let the climax arrive and the wave of sensations wash over her.

I love hearing her, seeing her and tasting her and feeling her when she comes, it’s more exciting to me than anything I’ve encountered. We shared fantasies, talking about positions, about anonymous blow-jobs, about giving and receiving them; we looked at a few pictures together, she at the magical island, me here, 1197 miles separating us, yet somehow we were side by side, feeling one another and hearing ourselves.

Sharing and exploring our sexuality together, particularly in the last six months or so, has been such an amazing adventure, such an incredible journey together. I’m so glad, so extremely glad, that we’ve worked beyond some of our own restraints, that however slowly, we’re learning to share with one another what we find exciting. There is so much that we didn’t do, didn’t talk about, took for granted, for so long. Even prior to the last few years when communication between us was at it’s worst, she had troubles telling me what she wanted, dreamed about, how she felt. Always a holding back, except on very rare occasions. Now, I revel in her revelations, the knowledge of what she likes and what excites her is, in itself, exciting.

Both of us have worried, sometimes, that what we find exciting together is perverted, or weird, or abnormal- but, we’ve come to accept, most of the time, that what is working for us is for us, and that it’s okay to let any/everyone else think it odd, we don’t need to care. No, we can enjoy who we are, and what we have together, and, now that we’re learning to talk again, we can even discuss it when we choose to.

This, is a good thing indeed.

Filed under: cam, chat, communication, love, lynn, marriage, online, relationship, sex, sexuality

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Ancient History