A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Prayers Please

If you do, or whatever you *do* do, for my son Nick; he’s in the hospital & it really really sux big time, I’m the dad and supposed to be able to “fix” things, and I can’t, and I hate it with all my heart.

So, if you pray, or think, or sing, or what-have-you; I’d appreciate it.

Gotta go before I fall apart again, I think this was easier when I was a rock.


Filed under: family, kids

David and the terrible-awful-no-good-day

Today, March 13th, is a terrible-awful-horrible-no-good-very-bad-day.

But not for me, anyway. Today, for me, is a day like any other day. I got up, went to work, did some research, put together some analysis, had lunch- really, just a day.

But I feel great. The only thing I can point to, is simply related to the last few posts.

I’m alive.

I have God.

I have family.

I have friends.

So I’m feeling happy and content and at peace, at the moment.

I hope YOUR Friday, is just as nice in it’s own way, for you.

Filed under: "mental illness", emotions, family, friends, friendship, God

Merry, Merry Christmas

I hope everyone has a blessed, happy and safe Christmas.

We have my Dad visiting, in our first Christmas here at home in 5 years, which is fun- although, I think he’s bored, lol, I can’t *do* much still. We’re having a nice visit anyway, so that’s cool.

There’s something so nice about having all four kids at home. Even when Jeremy is simply at school, which is of course where he belongs now, there’s always the low-level awareness of something not quite right. So, when he’s here, even when we’re not seeing much of him (girlfriends, you know), it’s just so much nicer.

Tonight, we have our service at 10:00, which is a wonderfully peaceful, beautiful time. I’m so looking forward to it- it’s been a long time since we’ve been there, so I’m anxious to see if it’s as great as I remember. Three of the kids are serving on the altar, too, which is interesting. We’ve become known as the “Altar serving family”. Works for us, as there is another family that we call the “Music for any occasion” family; every one of them is multi-talented in intruments, and sing beautifully as well.

About it for updating for now, I’m just hanging out in a collar, another month at least- but getting better.

Hope you all have a wonderful, wonderful Christmas!

Filed under: family, , ,


Almighty God,

We give thanks to you for all the blessings you have given us in this life. We thank you for our family, those who are gathered together here, as well as those that are far away. We thank you for the abundant riches that you have given us, for warm homes and sufficient food, for clothes and friends and our community.

We ask that you bless this food, that we may take sustenance from it, to always seek your will for us, and keep us ever mindful of the needs of others, especially those less fortunate than we.

We pray this in the name of the Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit.


This is the blessing I asked today, as we sat around our (too small) table. There were five of my clan, as Rob is spending Thanksgiving with a cousin in North Carolina; this is the first holiday we’ve ever spent where all six of us weren’t together, and that’s a strange, strange feeling.

In addition, we had one of Lynn’s brothers and his wife, and one of their kids- (the other is the cousin Rob is visiting). We had one of Lynn’s sisters, and her son and wife and their child. In all, we squashed 12 people around our table, sitting on extra chairs from the den, from the office, from the basement and from a bedroom.

We feasted, on turkey, squash, stuffing, potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry. We had salads, and beans, and pie, and more pie. There was coffee, there was milk, there was wine and sparkling water, there was laughter, and jokes and stories. We giggled, we roared, we raised a ruckus and we shouted. We hugged, we looked at hand-blown glass, we shared and we loved one another.

I looked around, and thought, “Who cares, that this year we’re a little cash-strapped. Who cares, that I’m not exactly sure how to replace the tires on the car. Who cares, that the den needs carpet and that I can’t repair the ceiling until my arm will work. Who cares, indeed.

We have a roof; we have enough to eat, and the kids’ are warmly dressed, and we’ll be able to fix the ceiling soon enough. I don’t need tires yet, I can’t drive anyway. We have so very much, compared to some people, who are struggling not with how to fix a car, but how to fix their shoes.

We have family, we have love, we have a fire in the fireplace, we have friends and we have each other, and we have God.”

We’re doing pretty damn good, if you ask me.

I hope all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with peace and love.

Filed under: family, God, love, , , , , ,

Bad penny- I’ve turned up again

So. What to say? There’s been a fair amount of “stuff” going on, but probably not as interesting to you, as to me. So, I guess I’ll just meander, as the old title of this blog was.

Surgery sucks, there’s no other word for it- so if you happen to wake up one morning, saying to yourself: “Gee, I think I’ll go and have my throat slit and my spine ground, and get some titanium put in, so I can be just like Dave!”, well, if you happen to be saying that- YOU’RE FREAKING NUTS!!

Don’t do this, unless you are desperate, and have exhausted all other options. Then put it off for another eight months, hoping that something will change, and then pray for another couple, to make sure your head is on straight. Then, and only then, do you want to do this. Or rather, not so much want to, cuz you don’t- but, you’ll at least know it’s the right decision, anyway.

So, it went well, was done last Tuesday, one week ago. I see the Doc for the first follow-up tomorrow, and we’ll then get an idea of what the next steps are; do I start therapy soon, etc, etc. At the moment, I do nothing but sit; I can’t lift over 5 lbs (Know how much YOUR laptop weighs?? Hmmm?? Quit laughing, I have to slide it on and off the chair, to my lap, on a cookie sheet). I can’t bend, twist, lift, push, pull, lower; no housework at all- no dishes, vacuum, dusting, nothing at all. Now, granted, that part isn’t bad- except there’s a huge difference between not doing those things by choice, and being forbidden.

Now, I’m bored out of my mind, lol- netflix, pogo, reading (minimal, book positioning is awkward), walking and eating. Oh boy oh boy. Anyone play online games? Let me know!

Other stuff, and more why I was taking a bit of a step back from here, is mostly still there. I guess attempting to understand myself doesn’t really matter, if i’m hanging out on blogs, or writing here, or not. Mostly, I was finding that there were areas that I was uncomfortable with, and needed to decide if it was real, or my head, or what. I’m not sure I decided anything, but I sure think about it a lot; once I’ve decided, I’ll be sure to let myself know.

My Dad’s going to come for Christmas this year. It’ll be the first time we’ve been home for Christmas in five years, since we started going to California for Mom, before she died, and then did the last couple years in Minnesota, to be with Dad. I’m looking forward to just being home, honestly- even if it’s chaos, having extras in, and all that, I love that and I really wanted to just be here this year, sot hat’s going to be good.

Not sure what the final arrangements for Thanksgiving are, we’ve been seeing Lynn’s brother the last few years, but that’s an hour + drive, and I’m not sure I can sit in a car that long. Based on today’s ride, just to the polling place and back, and right now, I’d say no way. But, things change in three weeks, so we’ll see how it all is then.

That’s enough for now; but if there’s anyone that still looks, I’m back; and I’ve missed you all, and left comments on a lot of blogs today, hope to see you around.

Filed under: family, meanderings, , , , , ,

Long catching-up post

Wow, seems like it’s been forever since I’ve had time to sit and write, to post anything- and looking at the dates, from the last post to now, and thinking of all that has been going on, I guess it’s not surprising.

I spent two weeks in Minnesota, on the island, loving the time off, which was wonderful. When we moved here to New York, we kept the cabin there, with Lynn’s family around, and every year she and the kids have spent the summer there, while I stay here until I can get a couple weeks in. We’ve done this for the last seventeen years, since our second boy Rob was a baby, so it’s very comforting, in an odd way, to have the routine down.

One of the things that struck me hard, this year, is how much I’ve missed Lynn, while she was gone. Not that I ever didn’t miss her, even the last few years- but, it was nothing like now, and nothing like what it was in the early part of our marriage. I guess there were more years than I’d realized, where I didn’t particularly care if she was around, nor miss her if she wasn’t- or at least, not as much. I commented about that to her, and she agreed- that there’s something more in our relationship, again, that was there in the beginning and was lost for a time, and is coming back. Made me feel so close to her, that she was feeling that too.

There were a couple of times when we were talking though, that were a little less than easy- at one point, I had been asking her something, and she burst out, “Are you afraid of being happy?” She was upset because I was asking her about something that was bothering me, but it didn’t bother her- so in her mind, my concern was not something that she’d thought of, not something that she was unhappy about, so why was I?

That one, made me pause, and think a lot. Am I afraid to be happy? She meant it in the context of our communications, of what is shared and not shared, of what is okay to play, and not. I don’t think I am afraid, but maybe I’m blind to something she sees? I don’t know. Something to think about, but I’m not particularly sure that there will be an answer. If there is something that makes me unhappy, am I supposed to stuff it down and bury it, as before? No chance; that path goes straight back to the hospital, the nut-hut, the looney bin- and I am not going there again. Too many crazy people there, ya know.

The other was related to the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, which digger had blogged about back in June of 2007, here. When I had suggested to Lynn we do this, she agreed; but then, she said something to me about not being able to respond to the questions honestly. So, that dropped, and I didn’t bring it up again, I wasn’t going to bother if she wasn’t going to be honest. Another time, she clarified, explaining that I had misunderstood, that what she meant was she didn’t find the rating “scale”, assigning numeric values, to be meaningful. We left it at that, and so it went away.

This summer, though, I was thinking about communication, and ways to work on ours, to keep gaining in our ability to talk and share, and thought of it again- so we talked, and decided that we’d go through it, but in our own way. Instead of going through it individually, and writing it out, we would go through it, and formulate our thoughts; then, when we were ready, we’d sit down together and simply talk our way through it, and not worry so much about the numbers but rather the relative importance as we went.

I’m not going to break down all our responses, but it was interesting to see the areas we agree on, and disagree on, as far as priorities. We pretty much were on the same page for family, financial/domestic support, sexual fulfillment, recreation; slightly different in affection (I need more than she does), and conversation (although that’s a limit of kids and busyness, mostly). Where we were substantially different, was in honesty and openness. I felt it more important, and less satisfied, where she was more satisfied and thus placed less of an emphasis on it.

It was interesting to go through it together, and we talked about ways to move our relationship so that our needs and expectations get closer to the reality of our lives; or should that be that what we do, move closer to fulfilling the needs and expectations? Either way will do, I guess, perhaps sometimes expectations need to be modified to reality, as well as the times when changes can be made to meet expectations.

The two bigger boys, Jeremy and Rob and I, got to put out a fire in the forest when a tree was struck by lightning, so we decided to call ourselves the Island Fire Brigade. Putting out a fire with buckets and a trash can, after traveling to the scene via canoe, is certainly a new experience for me!

I got to take a lot of photos, too, which I am loving more and more, have them posted over there>>> on flickr. Photos of the lake, of birds, of flowers, a set of Lynn, and some really cool portraits of Lynn’s niece Sharon. I was talking with a friend, and decided that it’s a good thing I have found photography again, because the nerve is still keeping me from the other things I want to do.

I try hard to remember that although I can’t do some things, I have so much, and can still do a lot, but sometimes it’s difficult not to feel sorry for myself, a little bit- or rather, to miss the other things, I guess. I don’t want to get all broody about it, so if I do, just whack me around a bit, okay?

I take Jeremy back to college on Saturday, which is hard to believe- he’s going to be a Junior, this year, and working as the RA. Which is great, for my checkbook, he gets room and board, and since it’s a state school, the tuition is actually reasonable- as college tuition goes, anyway, at least it’s not one of the $45,000.00 /year schools that he was thinking about. I can’t imagine how people do that, it seems like all the kids must graduate with a degree in “how to handle 120,000 debt in four short year lessons” or something like that. What’s really hard to believe, is how mature he’s gotten, compared to the first time I took him away. He’s really a great kid, and I’m incredibly proud of him.

Filed under: family, lynn, meanderings, relationship, vacation, , , , , , , , ,

Another meandering post

So, it’s been a while since I’ve felt much like writing anything, I guess, but for whatever reason I have to tonight. The problem, is that the part of me that is insisting that I write something, hasn’t seen fit to tell me what to write about. Darn ol’ muses anyway, they’re always out for coffee or something when I need them.

So, I guess it’s going to be another of my “meandering” posts, sorry about that. Don’t read, if you don’t want to fall asleep, sorry. 🙂

The traveling that I’ve been doing for the last several weeks is thankfully at an end, for a bit. The next trip will be a vacation to the cabin, I’ll go and join the gang for two weeks at the end of July. Dad’s going to come out and pick me up, which is a nice way to save on the airfare. Then I’ll have a couple of shorter trips this fall, but nothing like the 10 week round that we just finished.

I have mixed feelings about this summer, too. It’s very normal for me to stay home alone, while Lynn and the kids spend the summer at the cabin. But I also have in the back of my head (You’d think the back would be full by now, but I manage to keep too much garbage back there somehow), that a couple of years ago, in the summer, was when I had the first round of ring-around-the-rosy-with-the-black-thing. I know, I know, I’m in a different emotional state, and a different mental state, and I have a lot more and better support in place now. Knowing that, doesn’t change the feelings though- I tend to “know” a lot of things without being able to “feel” them, at times, so I just have to deal with it.

One good thing is that I wont be completely alone this year, though. Jeremy has a couple of jobs, and he’s going to stay here and only go to Minnesota when I do; and afterwards, both he and Rob will be coming back, so it’s not as if I’ll be quite as isolated as normal. I’m thinking that’s going to be a good thing, overall, even if it does mean they’ll want to do oddball things, like eat.

Lynn and I are doing okay, these days. I’m getting used to and adjusting to the knowledge that as we’ve grown older, we’ve changed, and even if the changes aren’t what I would have thought of, or looked for, I can deal with them. I still get a bit broody sometimes, when I consider differences and similarities to a couple of years ago- what I now think of as “pre-asshole” days- but I guess that’s a part of life that everyone needs to face. After all, “they” say that change is inevitable, so if “they” know anything at all, I’ll just keep working on acceptance of the things I cannot change. I guess, too, the deeper changes aren’t even specifically related to when I learned of them, but were going back further- I just didn’t know it, in my fog of depression.

As I said at the start, this is a non-subject post- just the irritability and restlessness that pops up when I don’t write something- and now, I seem to hear (maybe) a bit of a call (faintly) from someone that seems to think I should invent her and write her a bit- so I’ll go see if a bit of fiction may result.

Filed under: depression, family, lynn, meanderings, relationship, vacation, , , ,

Salt Lake City- Or, A Tale of Travel Adventures Pt. 2

In which a visit is made to slippery slopes; elegance is found; of Olympics, and downhill racing; and it is determined that one can go down, while going up.

Wednesday, March 26, 0700-2300 Mountain

So, once again we rise and face the day, fortified by much coffee. Oh, and a small amount of protein and french toast, and/or eggs, and/or cereal, and/or fruit. Really, it doesn’t matter, I only mention it to show that even I eat breakfast once in a while.

Today, we ventured to Snowbasin, which is slightly further out of the city than we’ve been, but still an easy drive. This resort is interesting; it really was a second-rate, out of the way place, until the winter Olympics of 2002 were being prepped. At that point, “Earl” (Earl Holding) decided to dump some of his gazillions into making the resort an appropriate venue for some of the events. The mens and womens downhill races were held here, and I’m not sure what else; but I do know that the rustic chalets, the high-speed gondolas, and the incredible coverage of snowmaking equipment is mucho amazing. (Yes, snowmaking in an area that has an annual average snowfall of 500″, go figure).

Anyway, it’s another very elegant location, for a ski resort. Gold fixtures, carpeted(!) floors (skiboots are not gentle things, lol); huge fireplaces, monster timber supports, floor to ceiling window walls- and the ceiling is 40′ tall, in places. Yes, ol’ Earl did himself proud.

Not to mention, some great terrain, for the skiing portion of your day. When we arrived, though, the snow wasn’t great. Remember the heat from Monday? Well, all that softened snow froze, over the next day and night, and so we were skiing on crusty hardpack. That, is tolerable although not the most comfortable; however, we also ran into lighting that was so flat, you couldn’t see any variance in the surfaces.

That’s not so fun.

Skiing along in white-outs, is what we refer to as “sporty”, in my family. Other families may call it crazy, but that’s okay- we have fun anyway.

Besides, it was softening throughout the day, so by lunchtime it was back to the fantastic Utah snow we’ve been experiencing, in most places. So that all worked out well, right?

Oh, and after lunch, was even better- the boys, all three of them: Jeremy, Rob and Nick- decided that they needed to, they were required to ski the downhill run that was the Olympic course. Naturally, I said “Go for it.” So naturally, they did- although, we found out later, that was the only run they did after lunch. We’d been skiing hard all day, anyway, and they were wiped out after that run.

We didn’t know that till later, though, because there were other adventures about.

I mentioned the gondolas, right? If you don’t know what they are, they’re a covered, enclosed car that rides on cables, and carries the skiers to the top of the mountain so they can ski down. The ones here at Snowbasin hold eight; or, in one very particular case, the car held two.

Lynn was working on Beth and my Dad like crazy, after lunch, (with very enthusiastic help from me) in order to get them either in before us, or in a lift without us for one ride. Basically because, when we arrived at the area in the morning, she took one look at a gondola and looked at me, with the smoldering in her eyes that only she can do, and winked, and said “Soon. In one of those. Today.”

Soooooo, the maneuvers were strategic, and well executed tactically, and it transpired that we rode up in a gondola car named for “Somebody-or-other Sailor”, an Olympic Champion skier. I can’t remember his first name, perhaps Anton- but we only noticed, because as we cleared the base of the loading station, and Lynn started unzipping my pants, she said something about how it’s appropriately named, as my nickname for blogging and photos is Sailor;

Yeah, the fantasy fulfilled, that I didn’t even know I had. Nor did Lynn, as she’d never used a gondola-type lift before, was to experience (or give, in her case) a moving, sexy, loving and hot and exciting blow job, as we rode the lift up the mountain.

So she did; I did; we laughed, at ourselves, at the mess, at our outlandish behavior, and at the fact that we can still be silly and adventurous and in love and want each other.

And had a fine last run down, to meet up with the rest of the gang, and head back to the hotel for dinner and a bookstore run and bed.

What a great vacation this is!

Filed under: "Salt Lake City", blowjob, family, gondola, lift, mountains, sex, sexy, ski, snow, snowbasin, utah, vacation

Salt Lake City- Or, A Tale of Travel Adventures Pt 1

In which various people begin travels via various means; arrive at an interim point and are surprised; reach the final destination and miss somethings; through several compromises manage to be hot in the snow; are reunited with comfortable feet; find the snow again; and avoid conversion although have conversation with sundry Mormons.

Saturday, March 22, 0350-2400 Eastern; The alarm, evil thing that it is, manages to wake us up in spite of exhaustion and illness. Not the greatest beginning to the trip, with Lynn and myself both tired, cranky, and in her case not feeling great. However, we did get the kids up, and got all six of us into the Pacifica, with the roof-rack loaded and skis and bags and carry-ons inside.

The drive to Kennedy, while uneventful, was as always a pain in the but. We have to leave our house a full three hours before our flights are scheduled to leave, in order to get to the airport, park and shuttle to the terminals and still manage to schlep six people and all our luggage through check-in and security. Granted, it’s getting easier and easier- the kids are great and handle their own bags now. Everyone is allowed one duffel, for all the clothes/ski wear, and one carryon for important things like cameras, computers, books and snacks. The skis combine into four bags, two doubles and two singles, so we check ten and carry six- and so far, we’ve not forgotten any of the children anywhere.

We arrived in Minneapolis on time, and found my dad in the gate for the next flight. This was fun, because the kids didn’t know we were on the same plane for that part of the flight; so they had a lot of “Wow!” “GRAND-DAD!!!!!” And grabbing and hugging and laughing going on- which is always a blast.

The flight to Salt Lake was also uneventful, just a bit of musical seats as the kids swapped around to sit by dad.

However, once we’d arrived, the inconvenience began. Thank you, Delta, for sending a duffel to timbuctoo. Or somewhere. All of Rob’s clothes, toiletries, ski wear, etc were nowhere to be found. Worse, in terms of the skiing portion of the trip- MY ski boots were also in that bag. Which truly, utterly, completely sucks. It was okay for Rob, because he was going to rent anyway, because he’s been snowboarding the last few years he doesn’t have equipment of his own. But dang it all, those boots are custom-fit, Solomon boots that I love.

So after fussing with Delta for a while, getting a claim filed, etc, etc, we made our way to the Hotel. Where they managed to put us into two rooms that each had a king-size bed. Nice for Lynn and myself, but not so great when we have to share with the kids and dad, though. So, a room swap or two later, and we’re in the originally reserved rooms with two queens each. With the convertible sofas, we have enough bed space for the seven of us.

That night, we took the UTA Trax train, and attended the Easter Vigil service at St. Mark’s Cathedral. What a beautiful service that was, very very well done. The building, in this state and city that is so dominated by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not a particularly imposing structure externally; but the inside was fantastic, and the choir and music was great.

Finally, dinner- and back to the hotel, to fall into bed. Wheew!

Sunday, March 23, 0700-2300 Mountain; No alarm, but we’re all up easily, mostly because of the time change. Breakfast at this hotel (Embassy Suites, nice place) is included in the room charge, but it’s more than just the cereal/juice/rolls of some. Here you can order a couple of eggs, omelets, bacon or sausage or pancakes, as well as the cold cereal type stuff- which is great.

SO then, Rob, dad and I walked to the local ski shop, all of 2 blocks. Rob rented a package for the week, and since they refused to adjust my bindings to their boots, I decided to skip renting for that day, and see if the ski area would do so; at least this way I could try to use my good skis.

Luckily, Brighton did allow me to do that, so I rented boots there.

And, Finally- let the fun begin!!

Oh WOW. What an incredible, wonderful ski area. Salt Lake’s ski areas average around 500″ of snow annually; and this year they’ve been getting more than usual. We had perfect snow, perfectly clear skies, perfect temperatures. It was around 40, that first day, and what a blast. I haven’t skied in the Rocky Mountains for waaay, waaay, too long; I know, I knew I loved them, but what a piece of heaven on earth. I miss “My” mountains, more than I realized.

Just to see the terrain, the majesty, the peaks, makes me homesick; and, I’ve never lived here, or in the mountains, only vacationed, but still- I love them.

Dinner that night, was delivered pizza and salads from a bag. No one had the energy to get out, so it was a quiet, early night and to bed with all.

Monday, March 24, 0700-2300 Mountain; HOOORAY!!!
The bag was found, and delivered to the Hotel at 0200 this morning. Cheers, instant thrills and (no, I didn’t orgasm over them, but I did pet them) my boots are here!

Monday, we headed up- up the canyon, up the “POSH” scale, to Deer Valley. Known as the poshest ski area around, I can believe it; where other areas use industrial chrome plumbing, Deer Valley pays for the less durable brass; where concrete steps and walkways are enough for strength and utility elsewhere, Deer Valley lays down garden pavers. And replaces them, as needed, for ski boots are not known to be easy on brick.

A second perfect day of skiing, oh my. Temp again to the 40’s, perfectly clear blue skies, snow that is deeper than needed everywhere, and nowhere scraped to grass; superb!!!!

The only drawback- the heat. We were all so hot, that we were finding different ways to try to lose layers. For me, luckily, my turtleneck was an old ratty one- so I didn’t have any qualms tossing it in the garbage; in fact, it would have prior to the trip, but I was thinking I’d need all I owned.

There’s something decadent about skiing in a t-shirt, and for a bit without that, no gloves, hats or goggles, no sweaters and down jackets- just boots, pants and sunglasses. Gotta love that! ROb took a picture with his camera, and I’ll get that posted at some point, but still wonderful.

AND- My feet didn’t kill me all day. Yes, renting boots is a fine expediency when needed, but oh man, did my feet hurt at the end of Sunday. I was so pleased to have my good boots back, I suspect my family is just as happy- cuz I stopped whining!

Dinner in again, and early bed- not much happening on most of our evenings, we get pretty tired and try to sleep early.

Tuesday, March 25, 0000-1700 Mountain; Grrrrrrr.
What did I say about trying to sleep? Well, no one had a great sleep, except dad. Perhaps altitude, perhaps something else, but I was up all night, Lynn slept about an hour, the kids were up and down as well. So we decided to take a sight-seeing day, in the interest of not hurting ourselves.

Two boys opted to stay back and read and watch movies, so Dad, Lynn, Beth, Rob and I all headed to the Union Pacific Terminal, which is the gateway to an outdoor shopping plaza. Just wandering, and taking photos- I’ll put some of the Olympic Memorial Musical up too-

And then, into the jaws of the lion. Or, in this case, into Temple Square, for a thirty minute tour with the missionaries there. It’s an interesting history if nothing else, regardless of your opinion or beliefs regarding Joseph Smith and the Mormon Church; and yes, we managed to escape with our “Episcopalian-ness” intact.


So, for later- dinner out, probably something sim
ple like Olive Garden, and then tomorrow- Alta, or Snow Basin.

Wow, this got long- so, I’m done for now, but rest assured, I’ll be back to bore you more later in the week!

Filed under: dad, family, kids, lynn, mormon, mountains, photos, ski, skiing, SLC, snow, utah, vacation

One flew into the Cuckoo’s nest

I know, the title of the book is “One flew OVER…” but, I didn’t. I flew into the cuckoo’s nest.

Flew into a brick wall, as well, or that’s what it felt like.

I’ve just returned from a few days in what I refer to as the nut-hut, because I had a major depressive episode on Sunday night. Looking at Lynn’s face and the expression in her eyes, as she was watching me, convinced me that the best thing to do was to remove myself to a safe place, but one where my own loved ones didn’t have to take on the responsibility of keeping me from hurting myself.

Not the easiest thing to do, because despite all of my knowledge and intellectual understanding, there’s still the underlying resistance to needing help for a mental illness. I can tell myself over and over that it’s just another part of the body that gets sick sometimes; and most of the time, I even believe it. But it’s still not the greatest feeling to know that your brain isn’t working right, and needs to have something just in order to do what normal people do without thinking about it.

So, a mixed week around here. Bad, in that it’s never fun when the black thing rears up, and this was a nasty vicious attack; but good, too, because I was able to ask for the help I needed, when I needed it.

I also realized, over the days, how much I love and value the friends I’ve been making lately. Many of them are online but I find that a pretty neat thing all by itself- it’s easy to talk here, and easy to share thoughts that would be much slower in coming, if there were more of the social conventions to be followed first.

I was struck again, by how loving my family is; Lynn was there, twice a day, for the full hour allowed, just to talk, to bring coffee that isn’t slop, and clean undies- and whatever else was needed, just to hear her tell me that she wasn’t going to let me come between us, was so fundamentally needed I can’t express it all.

I have so many things that I want to write about, observations that struck me, while I was there, but can’t yet articulate; so, if you read here regularly, you’ll have to put up with that for a while, I suspect.

Filed under: "cuckoos nest", "mental illness", depression, family, friends, friendship, love

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