October 25, 2006
Thinking about death, and life, and how many of the little things in life are like pieces of us, dying. How many things we grieve for, so many of them unimportant. Even knowing it’s foolish, how easy it is to get sucked into the cycle of mourning, even unconsciously.
I miss, sometimes desperately, so many people, so many things. Mom, and Ron, and Merle, and Grandma and Grandad. Even Gramps, who I have such a vague memory of, I miss sometimes- or rather, I guess I miss not getting to know him better, to see the man that so many children look up to with such awe.
It’s a part of growing, growing up, and all the platitudes apply; they’re in a better place, they’re not hurting now, lalalallalalalala.
So what? What does that do for us here, left behind to miss, and mourn, and grieve and cry and scream out our anger at them?
Feelings, too, I miss lately. I’ll never again be quite so naïve as I was, even a few months ago; for, I have seen the beast, and he’s big and scary and cold. The fog, it’s dank, and rank, and stinks. Yet, it’s a seductive, almost persuasive feeling; for all the scariness of it, it’s not as painful as allowing the real emotions, the true feelings to come through, to be experienced fully.
So what do the dying and the dead have to teach us? That to shut down, is to die, as surely as they are, as they have. And to die by giving up, that is the ultimate sin- for despair, it negates all the love that is around us and in us, and discounts as worthless the love that people have for us as individuals, as struggling imperfect human beings.
What to do, then, with the tears and the heartache and the sadness and the grief and the anger?
Feel it. Savor it, in all its pain, all its terror. For if it can be acknowledged, it can be overcome. “The truth will set you free,” is just as apt for an emotional state, or stage, as it is for the factual truths- which are so easy to handle, comparatively.
Innocence is never going to be here again, nor will blind unquestioning faith- but, how much deeper is a faith tempered by experience and reason? In so many things, faith is what is needed, in God, in Lynn, in Myself and my Family- so, how deep can this faith go?
Deep enough to live with.