“What if this is as good as it gets?” I was struck by that, and put it up in my sidebar, because at the moment, I can do very little: no firefighting, no sailing, no golf, very little of anything that entails anything heavier than a notebook computer. This is going to mean no waterskiing (not that I do that much, or am good at it), no overhead painting (which is very, very key, because of the projects we have lined up). No installing a fireplace at the cabin this summer, unless I can get someone else to do all the work. No tree cutting, no firewood, no skiing this winter? Ugh.
Anyway, all of that is why I had the quote up.
The other day, though, Lynn and I were sharing a little pillow-talk about that, and a comment or question she made got me to thinking about what our life and marriage is now, and what it was, and where it is going. Add onto that a blog entry that I encountered, and a couple of talk-radio interviews, and my brain really started to spin in overdrive.
The stories, both on a talk show, both had to do with people’s reactions to a partner deceiving them, and how they had individually dealt with the knowledge and its’ aftermath.
The pillow-talk was related to that quote, but as we talked, the conversation morphed (as conversations do), into thinking about that question in relation to our marriage, and where we are heading both individually and in partnership. At the moment, my answer was “so what if it is as good as it gets, that’s okay, because we’re still talking, growing ever closer, sharing more and more.”
But, what if that progress were to stop? If I glibly answer “it’s fine, because we’re progressing”, I’m assuming something: that “this is as good as it gets” isn’t a fixed point, as the statement implies. No, I’m interpreting it in light of my own wants and needs and desires for improvement in our relationship. Effectively, I’m dodging the question. Or, maybe I was answering the question, “What if this rate of progress is as good as it gets?” instead of “What if this relationship is as good as it gets?”
So, what if I consider this, in light of our relationship, and try not to dodge but instead articulate what some of the specific questions might look like, if I put them into that quote:
What if our future forever holds chatting, cybering and phoning? Including the deletion of files and calls, in an attempt to hide their occurrence?
What if our future forever holds omissions and minimizations, if not outright lies? For that matter, what if it includes lies?
What if I will forever have to wonder and speculate about who, and when and what?
What if there are relationships formed that I’m not privy to nor involved in, one after the other, that are much more intimate than would be comfortable, should I know about them? And, does that actually matter?
What if the boy toy thing is permanent?
What if the sneakiness never stops?
What if the look I get whenever I touch any computer but this one is forever, to the point that I don’t want to use them, because my dislike of her fearful looks is to intense?
What if our sex continues to be fantastic, with new and more intense adventures all the time?
What if my heart continues to race when I see her, or think of her?
What if I sleep better than I have in years, because we’re cuddling close again?
What if I miss her so much I hate going to work, not because work is bad but because it’s going to be so long until I can see her again?
What if we continue to call each other on the phone, for no other reason than because we want to hear the other, and say “I love you”?
What if I feel that I can share anything in my heart and mind, however vulnerable it may make me, knowing that she’s safe to confide in, even the silliest dreams don’t get laughed at?
What if we continue to stretch our horizons, making new friends and finding new things to do together?
What if … ?
Of course, these questions are my questions, colored by my heart and mind and all, and looked at from my point of view. Lynn would probably have her own list of questions, perhaps:
What if he’s forever suspicious and distrustful?
What if I can never have him touch a computer without wondering if he’ll overreact to something?
What if I always have to justify a friendship?
What if … ?
I don’t know what others she might ask, I can’t speak for her. This little list is more my acknowledgement that this is a relationship, there are two people involved and none of it is black-and-white. At least, in my mind it’s not, nor should it be. Because if I discount and ignore that she would have her own concerns, then I’d be far more selfish and self-centered than I’d like to think of myself as being.
What are the answers to these? I don’t know, specifically, in all the instances. I don’t know if they are a balance. Can you take two parts of my paranoia to one part of her incredible sharing, shake them together and bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees and call it done?
I don’t know the answers to so many things, but sometimes I need to articulate the questions, just for my own thinking and reflecting.
I do know this, though- the progress we’ve made, the incredible, awesome journey back to one another has been an adventure with ups and downs, but at this moment, as long as the rate of progress is still so phenomenal, I think I’ll stick with the overall question:
“What if this rate of progress is as good as it gets?”