For a long time, even more than I knew at that time, coming home didn’t really mean much. I used to call myself The Invisible Man- in fact, I had that on this blog, for a long time. I would come home from work, and when I asked how her day was, I’d get either no response at all, or a very perfunctory “Fine.”
Rarely, was I asked about my own day, and to be honest, I didn’t really care. When I tried to share what I was doing, the glazed eyes, and the obvious desire to be back at the game of the night, made me unwilling to open up and share- even to the extent of “good, or bad”. No, my days were also “Fine,” because it was simpler for me too.
Often, when I would say something about schedules, about events, about whatever, I would be completely ignored, if it was even comprehended at all. Frequently, I found myself not saying anything, because that, too, was simpler; and thinking about it now, I think it was also less painful that way- a fine defense mechanism! So the more I was ignored, the more I withdrew, and that, naturally, led to more of the being ignored.
Not a particularly fun time, now that I’m able to look back at it with a little perspective. Over the past year-plus, since the day I decided I didn’t want to die after all, I’ve been working hard, on not allowing myself to fall into that trap again. I can’t go back there, because I wont survive the trip again, I know that much. So, I work at being open; at sharing what’s going on, in my head and heart and life. I’m not very good at it yet, but God knows I’m trying hard, and when I stumble, I’m doing my best to acknowledge that, and not hate myself for it. And, I wont allow myself to be ignored anymore, I no longer let anyone treat me as invisible.
And you know what? It’s great. The more I can open myself, the more Lynn is opening in return. The more I play and talk to the kids, the more they give back. The more I pray, the more I hear God’s message for me.
Yeah, I know, you all knew this ages ago, but as I told a good friend of mine earlier this evening, “I never claimed to be quick at this, or all that bright about it.”
Friday afternoon, I flew back from Atlanta. I was able to catch an earlier flight, and so arrived home about 3 hours ahead of schedule. Lynn was there, and she was happy to see me, and I was so glad to see her, I am marveling at the change that I feel in that.
Been a long time, since I’ve had to travel without them, and even longer since we started making love before I’d even really gotten in- a lot of fun, to start stripping her clothes off in the kitchen,and playing around like that. Feeling her return the favor, yanking my clothes off too, what a great way to come home. We took a few pictures, that we’d been planning on, but then couldn’t wait anymore. Even better, was doing it again, later that day. Two years ago, if we’d had sex, it wouldn’t have been that urgent, and probably not multiple times.
I have to travel again this week, I’m wondering if I can find another early flight? Hmmmmmm…
Filed under: depression, invisibility, love, lynn, relationship, sex