A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

It’s very quiet

Around here now, just the cats for company. I sent the gang west on Monday morning, right after the boys returned from their mission trip to Mexico.

As always, these first few days are hard to adjust to. Having the house to myself feels wrong, there’s no activity, no half-heard rumble from the basement, or the occasional squawk from one of the kids when a brother bests them in some game.

That’s not always a bad thing, it does mean I’m not arbitrating a dispute over which legos belong to which child, nor am I having to be the mean old dad that says, “Go to bed.”

It can, however, feel too empty, and sometimes it gets lonely. Over the years, I’ve gotten used to the pattern:

Day one: Go to work, come home, enjoy the quiet.
Day two: Go to work, come home, think: “It’s awfully quiet.”
Day three: Go to work, come home, think: “It’s too quiet.”
Day four: Go to work, come home, think: “It’s too quiet.”
Day five: Go to work, come home, think: “It’s too quiet.”

Weekend one: Sleep late, mow the lawn or something, wait for the grass to grow.
Weekend two: Wander around at loose ends, waiting for the grass to grow.

Repeat days three through five, and the weekends.

Often during the summers, at least those when I’ve been boat-less, I find myself bored and lonely, and not liking myself very much. Perhaps that’s a big part of my depression, just plain loneliness and not having something exciting to do. Perhaps not though, for last year I had a new boat, the boat search, the whole thing to look forward too, and certainly that was the lowest point I’d ever reached. (Go away, black thing, you can’t come in anymore!)

This year, I’m not sure. The pattern is off, and I’m still thinking about why. Part of it, is that the family left later- usually they go immediately after school lets out, but this year the boys went to Mexico first. Hence, week one included Independence Day, which usually falls a week later. Additionally, Lynn and I are doing so much better, that I miss her already. Actually, I started missing her about 842 on Monday morning, and that’s when she closed the car door and started the engine- it wasn’t even in gear yet!

But, we had a rather hard night, on Sunday, not the nicest way to say goodbye. She knew I was upset, and we were talking about that, and why, instead of cuddling and holding and loving one another. So, I’m feeling badly that I can’t seem to keep my moods and emotions from impacting hers, in addition to the missing her that I’m feeling.

So, because I can’t sail this year, I’ll fill the time with other things, I’m just not exactly sure what, yet. Ever have those restless-bored-petulant times, when nothing sounds appealing yet you know you have to do *something*? That’s the best way I can think of to describe it, just like the kids when they complain, “There’s nothing to dooooo, I’m so booooreeed!”

Ah well, I’ll get past it- meantime, I’m thinking there’s important work to do. Like watch the grass grow.


Filed under: loneliness, love, relationship, summer

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