A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Skipping ahead, and back, and around- and it’s good

I’m skipping ahead, from where I stopped last post. Why? Because it’s my blog, and I can! Okay, so really, it’s because this week- tomorrow, actually- marks the one year anniversary of an event that has been on my mind lately. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget dates, I’ve written about that before- but either way, since I don’t seem to be able to get it out of my head, I thought I’ll share a bit here, and see if it helps.

I wrote about this, sort of, on my return, here:
But, I’d never particularly said what it was that threw me into said tailspin. Last year, about the time we we were redecorating my daughter’s room, I was doing something or other to Lynn’s computer. While doing that, I had seen some things that indicated that an attachment to one of her gaming friends had gone beyond just good friends, and it tossed me backwards, and down.

Good old black thing, seeing this, reared up it’s ugly, cold self, and tried once again to swallow me up. By that night, I was a complete, gibbering, useless emotional wreck. (Do you know that even knowing that it’s an illness, etc, and all that- it’s really not easy to admit to falling apart like that?) (Good thing I know you wont tell anyone, huh?) There was very little room for any forms of rational thought, nor was there any space being left for what I KNEW I should be doing, namely praying and letting God take this on. I have a hard time with that, though, which is one of the things that the depression both causes, and feeds upon. When you feel useless, and worthless, and unable to consider any value in yourself- well, then, why would God? After all, He knows better than anyone just how worthless I am, right?

It’s a nasty, vicious, icky cycle, and about the only good thing I can say for it, is that it certainly does keep you from doing things. Oh yes, if you want to have no ability to function, then go for the depression. Other than that? No, not-so-good.

Anyway, I was falling apart, completely. I had fallen so fast, and so deeply, that Lynn felt the need to hide the car keys, and to move medicines, and to keep a careful eye on me, in case I found a knife, or a razor. That terror, that fear in her eyes, was about the only thing that could have, that finally did, penetrate. I knew, somewhere, someplace inside, that even through the mistrust and anger I was feeling towards her, and her friend, and my own uncertainty about what that meant for our relationship- I knew that I hated that look even more than I hated myself.

Now, a couple years ago, I may well have made the determination that I could eliminate the look, if I eliminated myself. How extremely logical, no? No fear in your wife’s eyes, if you’re not around to have a wife anymore, right?

Thankfully, the God that I just KNEW found me useless and worthless, didn’t. No, once again, He whispered, he reminded me that I was still around for a reason, and that even if I didn’t understand that reason, He did; and He’d let me know why when I was ready to hear it, but that right now, tonight, I needed to stay alive, and here’s the handy solution. Harder solution, yes- but the right one. He told me, get going, dude-

So, I checked into the nut-hut (Behavioral Psychology Medicine Unit, for those that insist on boring, uninteresting names for things). I spent just under a week there, working with the Docs and Nurses, and the counselors and other patients. Something very unsettling, about realizing that the reason the orderlies come into the room every 20 minutes, is to make sure you’re not dead; yes, the whole ward was monitored, basically on a suicide watch, the entire time, every one of us.

I’ll tell you this though, as I reflect over the past year, look back on that day. I am much, much stronger than I was then, much healthier. I know this, because of something that happened just three weeks ago. I was going to start the car, warm it up before church, so went to get the keys from Lynn’s purse. Can you imagine the smack in the face I felt, when I found a couple of phone-calling-cards, and two pictures of the guy from a couple years ago, that had nearly ripped us apart? Yeah, that guy. The one that “I’ve not spoken to, chatted with, thought of, in xxxxx time.”

Yeah, the one that during the first seven months of what I call the Hell Time, was a repeated occurance. Lies, evasions, half-truths, but never actually stopping contact.

That, was a nasty, ugly slap in the face. Every old feeling, all the old fears and jealousy and anger, plus the new anger that arose, thinking that all this time, all the work we’d been doing, all the professions of love and newly rekindled relationship, was all false.

But- and this, my friends, is the much more interesting part, to me- I’m still here. I didn’t spiral into a suicidal depression; I didn’t leave; I didn’t kill myself, or her, or him. In fact, I managed to get to church, and do what I needed to do: I prayed. I prayed to God, to let me see what and why this was back, what I needed to do, what was he wanting from or for me.

And, once again- He answered. He answered through the conversation I had with Lynn, later that day, when instead of leaving, I listened. Seems, the purse she’d grabbed from the closet the day before was an old one, not her current one; she needed to use something, because she’d left hers in the car, and it was with one of the kids. So, she grabbed this one, tossed her wallet and keys in it, and did whatever. Forgetting to get the other one from the car, well, who cared? Her point, was that the photos, the calling cards, were old and outdated. They were not anything she kept intentionally, nothing that she cared about.

As we talked, I fought the unease, the disbelief, the doubts that were there, and did my best to listen with the knowledge that I’d gained in the last two years. Knowledge of her love, through the looks she gives me, of the laughing and fun and joy we’ve re-found; of the love, of the play, of the sex and the giddy silliness that we’ve been sharing, all of these things were in my head as I listened, and tried to counter the ugly, horrible, outdated feelings.

And, my friends- I won. It worked, that time the black thing didn’t stand a chance. By that night, we were wrapped in one another’s arms, entwined and loving one another, making love, hugging, talking. Sharing, as we’ve learned to, the bad times- and rejoicing in the good times, celebrating in love, and fighting off the bad.

Totally different reactions, from one year to another; from one guy, to another guy, from a real threat, to an imagined threat, to a past threat, and once more, God told me to stick around, that He’s not done with me yet. As I was thinking about last year, and what a horrible time it was, how depressed I was, I also couldn’t help noticing something else; Yesterday, in the car, I was singing to Beth and Lynn, singing along with a cd we’d made years ago.

Perhaps you know the song, “I can see clearly now”. Well, the line I loved, and actually repeated, because it seemed so fitting: “I think I can make it now, the pain is gone…
All of the bad feelings have disappeared…
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for…
It’s gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright sun shiney day.”

Works for me.

Filed under: "cuckoos nest", "mental illness", anniversary, Black Thing, depression, God, lynn, meanderings, progress, razor blade, , , ,

I have a boring life right now

Sitting here all day, and all night, does get very dull at times. I find that I’m looking forward to the silliest things, in order to break up the monotony.

For instance, did you know that you can plan your lunch, for a good 15 minutes, if you really work at it? It’s true! You get to start by thinking when you should have something; then you can reconsider that for a good long time. Next, think about what you might want to have, and change that around, too. Once you have settled on time and menu, you get to reflect on the process you went through to get there, and second guess each step, item, time option. Oh boy! Before you know it, you’ve consumed a whole quarter of an hour- oh, wait. Never mind, did I say 15 minutes? I guess that was only 15 seconds. Darn. Now what’s next?

Movies, on netflix; old tv shows; music, lots of music to explore (Thanks Therese and Desmond!). Books are harder, holding them is still awkward and painful, but there are books. Showers are an adventure not to be missed, especially standing afterward to change the pads in the collar. How still can YOU stay? Lots and lots of ½ mile walks, too- I am the worlds best at doing that circuit 5-7 times a day. Yes, I could go further- but that only consumes time once, this way I can have a whole bunch of activities! Poking around on Flickr, of course, is good, and there’s always a game to play on pogo.

So, now that each of these activities is done, at least once, we’re all the way up to 7.30. AM. Morning. Yeah. So, substitute breakfast for lunch, and you’ve managed to get to 7.32.

Sheeeesh.

Remember the times, when work got overwhelming, or family was crowding, and you said to yourself: “I’d love to have time to just sit and do nothing.”

You’re wrong, lol. What you want is to have the CHOICE to do nothing, or any of the time-fillers you may like. Heck, I’m not allowed to vacuum- and suddenly, I have this overwhelming need to vacuum. I can’t do the dishes- but now, I wanna, dangit. Big, big difference between choosing not to do something, and not being allowed to do something. Blech.

On the other hand, there are improvements, which is probably why the time is going slower and slower. I can sleep better now- still in the chair, but for several hours in a row; and yesterday, I lay down on the bed (so I could lie on my side, silly thing to miss but I do), and fell asleep for about 15 minutes- and that’s great, comparatively speaking.

We did decided not to worry the doctor for “clearance” to resume having sex, thank goodness- Lynn was so dang worried about wiggling my neck, she’d threatened to cut off indefinitely. Luckily, that’s a horrible idea, and the idea of playing is much more attractive, to both of us. So, got that going for me too. Nothing like a little loving TLC, to help ya feel better too.

So, not a lot to say, but this is my world right now- the inside thoughts, which of course happen all the time- those will wait till another time.

Now… what’s for a mid-morning snack? Hmmm…

and when? Hmmmm…

hmmm…

Filed under: meanderings, , , ,

Bad penny- I’ve turned up again

So. What to say? There’s been a fair amount of “stuff” going on, but probably not as interesting to you, as to me. So, I guess I’ll just meander, as the old title of this blog was.

Surgery sucks, there’s no other word for it- so if you happen to wake up one morning, saying to yourself: “Gee, I think I’ll go and have my throat slit and my spine ground, and get some titanium put in, so I can be just like Dave!”, well, if you happen to be saying that- YOU’RE FREAKING NUTS!!

Don’t do this, unless you are desperate, and have exhausted all other options. Then put it off for another eight months, hoping that something will change, and then pray for another couple, to make sure your head is on straight. Then, and only then, do you want to do this. Or rather, not so much want to, cuz you don’t- but, you’ll at least know it’s the right decision, anyway.

So, it went well, was done last Tuesday, one week ago. I see the Doc for the first follow-up tomorrow, and we’ll then get an idea of what the next steps are; do I start therapy soon, etc, etc. At the moment, I do nothing but sit; I can’t lift over 5 lbs (Know how much YOUR laptop weighs?? Hmmm?? Quit laughing, I have to slide it on and off the chair, to my lap, on a cookie sheet). I can’t bend, twist, lift, push, pull, lower; no housework at all- no dishes, vacuum, dusting, nothing at all. Now, granted, that part isn’t bad- except there’s a huge difference between not doing those things by choice, and being forbidden.

Now, I’m bored out of my mind, lol- netflix, pogo, reading (minimal, book positioning is awkward), walking and eating. Oh boy oh boy. Anyone play online games? Let me know!

Other stuff, and more why I was taking a bit of a step back from here, is mostly still there. I guess attempting to understand myself doesn’t really matter, if i’m hanging out on blogs, or writing here, or not. Mostly, I was finding that there were areas that I was uncomfortable with, and needed to decide if it was real, or my head, or what. I’m not sure I decided anything, but I sure think about it a lot; once I’ve decided, I’ll be sure to let myself know.

My Dad’s going to come for Christmas this year. It’ll be the first time we’ve been home for Christmas in five years, since we started going to California for Mom, before she died, and then did the last couple years in Minnesota, to be with Dad. I’m looking forward to just being home, honestly- even if it’s chaos, having extras in, and all that, I love that and I really wanted to just be here this year, sot hat’s going to be good.

Not sure what the final arrangements for Thanksgiving are, we’ve been seeing Lynn’s brother the last few years, but that’s an hour + drive, and I’m not sure I can sit in a car that long. Based on today’s ride, just to the polling place and back, and right now, I’d say no way. But, things change in three weeks, so we’ll see how it all is then.

That’s enough for now; but if there’s anyone that still looks, I’m back; and I’ve missed you all, and left comments on a lot of blogs today, hope to see you around.

Filed under: family, meanderings, , , , , ,

Ups and downs but I like the ups best

Funny, the way my moods can be so mercurial. Granted, the feelings I was dealing with last week weren’t really a deep, dark depressive episode. There was no thought in my mind of dying, of suicide, of other nasty icky things that have visited me too often.

Yet, it passed off so nicely, and left without that lingering bad taste in the mouth, that I really want to know why. What is it, about some of these occurrences, that lets them leave quietly, and let’s me get on my way as if it had never happened? To go on, and go to friends, and play and laugh and hike a beautiful river (with waterfalls, see pic below and tons more on my flickr page).

I don’t know, and that frustrates me to no end. I have tried to keep track, if only in a general way, of what I’m doing, what I’m eating, how I’m sleeping, all the little things, in an attempt to see if I can identify something that is common, to both the onset of the dark days, and the passing off- so I can do better at getting rid of them in an easier and smoother way, if I can’t head them off completely.

Driving me nuts! Oh, wait, I’m already nuts. Never mind that part then!

Anyway, we had a fantastic weekend; we hiked around a place called Butterfield Falls, right by the Delaware Water Gap, with some great friends. It made a wonderful final weekend before the school routine starts up, and I got to take hundreds of photos. What could possibly be better than that?

Well, yeah, you’re right, photos are not as good as sex- but there was a sufficiency of that, too, and it was way great. Mind-blowing, as a matter of fact, but that’s another story.

Now, if I can relearn how to sleep properly, without having to drug myself, I’ll be all set.

Filed under: depression, meanderings, photos, , , , , , , ,

This Rock is Feeling Pain- what’s up with that anyway?

Sometimes, I think that depression sucks. Okay, so of course it does, always, but some days more than others. Not always on a day when I feel like it’s raring up, either- sometimes, there’s just this unsettled, uncomfortable feeling in my guts, with emotions churning, that really have no basis for being there.

Today, is one of those days. I had a great week, Lynn and I have been talking well, and not arguing (fighting?) about things, the kids have been okay overall, they have spats and Nick and Rob got into it the other day, but that’s par for the course. As of now, they’re good, and hanging out as best friends.

So, why am I sitting here, feeling as if there’s a huge weight about to hit me from above? I feel like the cartoon characters, right before the anvil drops- or how they’d feel, if they had the same premonitions. I actually have had more sleep, and better sleep, in the last three days, than in months- although last night I was up again, still, it’s not unusual for me to not sleep these days.

Heck, I even started using the elliptical properly again. I was so bad, over the summer and last spring, but I’m back to 30 minutes on level four, which is where I was last year. It’ll take some time to get back to the speed and get the wind and heart rate responding, but I’ll get there.

Then, there’s the problem I have, with what to tell Lynn. I hate telling her if I’m feeling down, because it brings that terrified look back in her eyes- and this isn’t, so far, anything like a depressive episode, just weird. But, we’re both so conscious of changes, that it gets frightening for her; and, I really really don’t want to be the cause of that fear and pain, in her.

I wonder, will I ever be able to just feel something, without having to watch so carefully, that it’s not the black thing sneaking in the back way? Or is this the rest of my life, watching and waiting and scared of what I feel?

Huh. Guess the title of this blog is wrong again. Sigh. Oh well, too much trouble to change it- I’ll just have to get a bigger harder rock, methinks.

Filed under: depression, meanderings, ,

Long catching-up post

Wow, seems like it’s been forever since I’ve had time to sit and write, to post anything- and looking at the dates, from the last post to now, and thinking of all that has been going on, I guess it’s not surprising.

I spent two weeks in Minnesota, on the island, loving the time off, which was wonderful. When we moved here to New York, we kept the cabin there, with Lynn’s family around, and every year she and the kids have spent the summer there, while I stay here until I can get a couple weeks in. We’ve done this for the last seventeen years, since our second boy Rob was a baby, so it’s very comforting, in an odd way, to have the routine down.

One of the things that struck me hard, this year, is how much I’ve missed Lynn, while she was gone. Not that I ever didn’t miss her, even the last few years- but, it was nothing like now, and nothing like what it was in the early part of our marriage. I guess there were more years than I’d realized, where I didn’t particularly care if she was around, nor miss her if she wasn’t- or at least, not as much. I commented about that to her, and she agreed- that there’s something more in our relationship, again, that was there in the beginning and was lost for a time, and is coming back. Made me feel so close to her, that she was feeling that too.

There were a couple of times when we were talking though, that were a little less than easy- at one point, I had been asking her something, and she burst out, “Are you afraid of being happy?” She was upset because I was asking her about something that was bothering me, but it didn’t bother her- so in her mind, my concern was not something that she’d thought of, not something that she was unhappy about, so why was I?

That one, made me pause, and think a lot. Am I afraid to be happy? She meant it in the context of our communications, of what is shared and not shared, of what is okay to play, and not. I don’t think I am afraid, but maybe I’m blind to something she sees? I don’t know. Something to think about, but I’m not particularly sure that there will be an answer. If there is something that makes me unhappy, am I supposed to stuff it down and bury it, as before? No chance; that path goes straight back to the hospital, the nut-hut, the looney bin- and I am not going there again. Too many crazy people there, ya know.

The other was related to the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, which digger had blogged about back in June of 2007, here. When I had suggested to Lynn we do this, she agreed; but then, she said something to me about not being able to respond to the questions honestly. So, that dropped, and I didn’t bring it up again, I wasn’t going to bother if she wasn’t going to be honest. Another time, she clarified, explaining that I had misunderstood, that what she meant was she didn’t find the rating “scale”, assigning numeric values, to be meaningful. We left it at that, and so it went away.

This summer, though, I was thinking about communication, and ways to work on ours, to keep gaining in our ability to talk and share, and thought of it again- so we talked, and decided that we’d go through it, but in our own way. Instead of going through it individually, and writing it out, we would go through it, and formulate our thoughts; then, when we were ready, we’d sit down together and simply talk our way through it, and not worry so much about the numbers but rather the relative importance as we went.

I’m not going to break down all our responses, but it was interesting to see the areas we agree on, and disagree on, as far as priorities. We pretty much were on the same page for family, financial/domestic support, sexual fulfillment, recreation; slightly different in affection (I need more than she does), and conversation (although that’s a limit of kids and busyness, mostly). Where we were substantially different, was in honesty and openness. I felt it more important, and less satisfied, where she was more satisfied and thus placed less of an emphasis on it.

It was interesting to go through it together, and we talked about ways to move our relationship so that our needs and expectations get closer to the reality of our lives; or should that be that what we do, move closer to fulfilling the needs and expectations? Either way will do, I guess, perhaps sometimes expectations need to be modified to reality, as well as the times when changes can be made to meet expectations.

The two bigger boys, Jeremy and Rob and I, got to put out a fire in the forest when a tree was struck by lightning, so we decided to call ourselves the Island Fire Brigade. Putting out a fire with buckets and a trash can, after traveling to the scene via canoe, is certainly a new experience for me!

I got to take a lot of photos, too, which I am loving more and more, have them posted over there>>> on flickr. Photos of the lake, of birds, of flowers, a set of Lynn, and some really cool portraits of Lynn’s niece Sharon. I was talking with a friend, and decided that it’s a good thing I have found photography again, because the nerve is still keeping me from the other things I want to do.

I try hard to remember that although I can’t do some things, I have so much, and can still do a lot, but sometimes it’s difficult not to feel sorry for myself, a little bit- or rather, to miss the other things, I guess. I don’t want to get all broody about it, so if I do, just whack me around a bit, okay?

I take Jeremy back to college on Saturday, which is hard to believe- he’s going to be a Junior, this year, and working as the RA. Which is great, for my checkbook, he gets room and board, and since it’s a state school, the tuition is actually reasonable- as college tuition goes, anyway, at least it’s not one of the $45,000.00 /year schools that he was thinking about. I can’t imagine how people do that, it seems like all the kids must graduate with a degree in “how to handle 120,000 debt in four short year lessons” or something like that. What’s really hard to believe, is how mature he’s gotten, compared to the first time I took him away. He’s really a great kid, and I’m incredibly proud of him.

Filed under: family, lynn, meanderings, relationship, vacation, , , , , , , , ,

Vaguely Unsettled

Sometimes, I get the feeling that there’s something looming, some dark bad thing is about to happen someplace in my life. A rather vague, unsettled feeling of nervous anticipation, but not like something particularly good, either. Rather, it’s something that is going to spell bad news, for me or mine.

Today, is one of those days.

I don’t like the feeling, either. It’s too reminiscent of the depression, although it’s not quite the same. I can’t really articulate the difference, either, but it is very much a different feeling. I don’t feel despair, nor worthless, nor that my family would be better off without me, nor am I fixating on death or thinking of suicide.

No, this is weird, and it’s happened before, and I don’t know why. I’ll spend a couple of days with this odd tightness in my center, and then it will pass- or it always has, anyway, so I figure this time it will, too.

Does anyone else do this, I wonder? Or is it just one of the quirky individual symptoms that I get, and it’s really just being depression-in-disguise? I’m making sure to take care of all the regular “things” that the docs tell me, that the support-groups say, will help, such as eating properly, sleeping properly, not sitting ’round doing nothing, so I’m hoping that this is just a mood that will pass.

Funny, in a way, that for so long I drove moods away, I killed emotions as thoroughly as I possibly could, to find myself having to re-learn how to accept and welcome them again. All the things that I’ve always known, about how dangerous it is for me to suppress feelings, to bury and stuff them down, I’m having to practice again letting them out and up and to exist. Maybe that’s what I’m feeling? Don’t know, but I figured sending the feelings out here might be a good place to start letting it go.

Filed under: depression, meanderings, , ,

Another meandering post

So, it’s been a while since I’ve felt much like writing anything, I guess, but for whatever reason I have to tonight. The problem, is that the part of me that is insisting that I write something, hasn’t seen fit to tell me what to write about. Darn ol’ muses anyway, they’re always out for coffee or something when I need them.

So, I guess it’s going to be another of my “meandering” posts, sorry about that. Don’t read, if you don’t want to fall asleep, sorry. 🙂

The traveling that I’ve been doing for the last several weeks is thankfully at an end, for a bit. The next trip will be a vacation to the cabin, I’ll go and join the gang for two weeks at the end of July. Dad’s going to come out and pick me up, which is a nice way to save on the airfare. Then I’ll have a couple of shorter trips this fall, but nothing like the 10 week round that we just finished.

I have mixed feelings about this summer, too. It’s very normal for me to stay home alone, while Lynn and the kids spend the summer at the cabin. But I also have in the back of my head (You’d think the back would be full by now, but I manage to keep too much garbage back there somehow), that a couple of years ago, in the summer, was when I had the first round of ring-around-the-rosy-with-the-black-thing. I know, I know, I’m in a different emotional state, and a different mental state, and I have a lot more and better support in place now. Knowing that, doesn’t change the feelings though- I tend to “know” a lot of things without being able to “feel” them, at times, so I just have to deal with it.

One good thing is that I wont be completely alone this year, though. Jeremy has a couple of jobs, and he’s going to stay here and only go to Minnesota when I do; and afterwards, both he and Rob will be coming back, so it’s not as if I’ll be quite as isolated as normal. I’m thinking that’s going to be a good thing, overall, even if it does mean they’ll want to do oddball things, like eat.

Lynn and I are doing okay, these days. I’m getting used to and adjusting to the knowledge that as we’ve grown older, we’ve changed, and even if the changes aren’t what I would have thought of, or looked for, I can deal with them. I still get a bit broody sometimes, when I consider differences and similarities to a couple of years ago- what I now think of as “pre-asshole” days- but I guess that’s a part of life that everyone needs to face. After all, “they” say that change is inevitable, so if “they” know anything at all, I’ll just keep working on acceptance of the things I cannot change. I guess, too, the deeper changes aren’t even specifically related to when I learned of them, but were going back further- I just didn’t know it, in my fog of depression.

As I said at the start, this is a non-subject post- just the irritability and restlessness that pops up when I don’t write something- and now, I seem to hear (maybe) a bit of a call (faintly) from someone that seems to think I should invent her and write her a bit- so I’ll go see if a bit of fiction may result.

Filed under: depression, family, lynn, meanderings, relationship, vacation, , , ,

Late-night thoughts

I can’t sleep, and I got tired of lying there with the sheets doing the evil “conspiracy to wrinkle and wrap and slide the blankets off”, as they so love to do when I’m tired but awake, so I’ve been sitting down here the last couple hours. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to when I could stay up all night, and sleep all day as a norm. I love the quiet, the dark. I can dream, I can talk to myself, I can read and write without interruption.

I told my dad, last evening, about my hospital visit; I hadn’t before, because he was on a ski trip and I didn’t have a phone number for him. I’ll tell my brothers and sisters soon too, I suppose, but I’m not sweating that as much; they’ll respond with ‘let us know if we can do anything’, and send their love. Honestly, I’ll take the love, but don’t need the other. One of the things people keep saying is just that: “What can I do?” Nothing. It’s in my head, so really, there’s nothing that needs to be done in the way it might if I were physically indisposed. I go to work, I get to church, we finished painting my daughters room, Lynn and I have sex, it’s all just carrying on.

Thinking of sex (you weren’t? I am, often these days, far more so than when I was younger. Perhaps I’m having a second childhood?), the sex around here has been freakishly wonderful lately. Something in the water, or hormones, or just the explorations we’ve been doing (most likely!) but holy wow. I honestly don’t think we’ve ever had as much sex as regularly as in the last month, and with the experience we have with one another, it’s better than it’s ever been. Yummmmmm. I’m hoping this is a phase that doesn’t pass anytime soon!

I wish it’d warm up properly, or snow. I hate and loath the time of year when it’s too cold to do anything outside, and no snow to ski. It’s all browns and grays and muddy yuk around here right now, and the temperature keeps bouncing from the twenties to the forties. Blech. Give me winter, or give me real spring, when the sun is warm and everything starts greening.

That’s enough for me tonight, I’m going to try to sleep again for a few hours before work.

Filed under: babbling, meanderings, musings, night thoughts

Meanderings and Thanksgiving

Some random meanders

So I wonder, if I’m ever going to be a grown-up. I used to think being grown-up meant that you had your shit together; you were responsible; that you knew how to take care of your family and your kids; you were reasonably able to provide for them, or do your part if that’s what it needed; the emotional tailspins of being a kid, being a teenager, were over with, that you no longer felt alone, that you (or me, actually) felt as if things were at least moving along toward whatever your future would hold.

Apparently, I’m either:
A. Not a grown up yet
B. That’s not what it means
C. I’m nuts

I’ve found that, instead: I never seem to get my shit together; responsibility is a dirty word; I have no idea what to do for my family, or if I’m meeting their needs; I can work my ass off, and it’s never quite enough; and my emotions are probably more mixed up and roller-coaster-ey than they were when I was a teenager.

So unless my definition of being a grown-up needs revising, perhaps into something like: one who is usually confused, often discouraged, feeling inadequate for his family, emotional and not sure what’s happening next. If that’s the definition, then I’m doing okay.

My fear, is that that’s not quite how it works though, that I don’t get to modify the definitions to fit me.


It’s so great, to sit around the kitchen table at dinner time, and have the whole gang here. JT arrived yesterday for the long weekend, and all six of us had dinner together. There’s something so wonderful, so right, about having us all together, where they belong; even if he goes out, which he does a lot, he’s “home” at night- and I love that feeling.


Lynn said something about using the camera the other night, just conversation. I said, “whatever”, and she said something about “just telling me”. I don’t get it- and told her so. I don’t understand what more I can give, and she wont or cant say herself… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this information, cheer? It’s not as if I didn’t already know she hadn’t come to bed until four, or that she was trying to do something with the headsets, and all- cuz they’re out on the desk, and weren’t before. So if the deal is that I don’t need to know, then why bother to tell me?


Thanksgiving, since we’ve moved to New York, has been an all over the place holiday. We’ve spent it with strangers in Brooklyn; in Palm Springs, in Connecticut, in New Jersey. We have very seldom spent it here, though, or that’s what it seems like to me. This year, we’ll be heading to Jersey, to a nephew’s house, with their little guy and his wife. Such a nice little boy he is, and cute as cute can be- should be a great day.

This year, I am especially thankful for friends, new and old. I haven’t had friends, good friends, in a long long time, and I’m grateful for those that I’ve met and made over the past year- for showing me that I can be, and can have, friends.

Filed under: family, friends, meanderings, relationship, thanksgiving

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