Sometimes, my writing is aimed- this is one of them. Rambling and sappy, so if you don’t like that, skip this one! 🙂
At each New Years, I find that I’m less of a resolution maker, than I am a reflector-of-the past year, and this one was no exception. Looking back had often meant nostalgia, and frequently, as my depression deepened, it meant all kinds of bad feelings of things not done, actions that I regretted, inadequacies highlighted, and other not-so-good-for-me thoughts.
What a nice change, this year, from other years. Looking back as objectively as I can, 2007 was not an easy year, for me, for my family, for Lynn. Continued struggles with depression, fighting off the black thing. Changes as our relationship developed, into new and although exciting, sometimes scary areas; difficulties with the kids, with finances, with job changes and schools and health problems, lack of progress on my nerve had all combined to add up to a year that would have sent me down deep.
But as we were talking, and I looked a little further back, to where we were in 2004, 05, 06- I was struck by an amazing difference. Some of it is purely emotional, and in my attitude towards things, of course. Anti-depressants are good for that, once you have the right med and the correct dosage. (Three cheers for better living through chemistry!). Some of it, a lot of it, is the tremendous changes in Lynn’s and my relationship. A year ago, two years ago, we could very easily have tossed in the towel, if we’d been faced with some of the adjustments we have had to make this year.
But we’ve managed to keep talking, keep working on ourselves, continue to try to share and understand one another, and as we’ve done so my own outlook has gradually become more and more positive.
We had always told ourselves and the kids that we can do anything, if we do it together, as a family- supporting one another, offering our love and strength to each other when needed, and there would be nothing at all that we couldn’t face and conquer. In the past several years, although the words were there, the feeling wasn’t. Lynn and I weren’t there for each other, and the worst part of that, is that neither of us particularly cared.
Wednesday night, though, as we talked, as I held her and she was wrapped into my arms, the two of us intertwined as if we were one, we didn’t feel that. I could feel her love for me, again, the way I used to- but hadn’t, for so long. I didn’t know how empty a part of me still was, until I noticed, that night, that the space where I store the “I know she loves me”, wasn’t blank anymore.
I was holding her, we were talking, and something brought tears to her eyes, as I held her and loved her- and told her that sharing those tears with me, was more important than anything else we’ve done or talked about; that even after all this time, it still means so much that she can allow herself to trust that I’ll hold her, and be there for her. Perhaps it’s because she doesn’t do that often, but it brought the weepies to me, as well. I think there’s nothing more special, than two people reaffirming love for one another, through sex and cuddles and kisses, through laughter and tears. Mix all of that into a couple hours, and you get a pretty neat way to look at where you are.
So, this year, I’ve decided to make a resolution after all: In 2008, my goal is to get even closer to Lynn, and see if it’s true that two people can become one.
I Love You darling.