Yesterday, Lynn went and had coffee with a friend, that she’d been playing in pogo for a long time. They’ve played different games, and talked, and phoned, but never met. So she called me at work, and wanted to know if I cared if she met him for coffee.
I did, a lot more than I realized I would. She’s met one other person through playing on pogo, a few years ago, and it was no big deal- I guess the difference then to now, is that at the time she met the first guy, if you’d asked me if I was worried that it might be more, I’d say with total and complete confidence, “Nope. No reason to be worried, at all.”
Now, even after a year’s worth of talking, of sharing and trying to stay on top of our relationship and my own emotions, I want to know- when will something like that stop bothering me? I said go, of course, I do believe her when she tells me he’s just a friend, that they talk is all, they’ve never had anything in the relationship that is sexy or chatting or cyber or cam, or anything like it- but, tell that to my emotions, will ya?
I was so jealous, an emotion that I didn’t know for years, because I never had to be. Even back in high school, people would comment, because I never got jealous; they seemed to look at jealousy as some form of indication of caring. My view, however, has always been that jealousy is a sign of a lack of trust, and since I trusted Lynn unconditionally, there was no need to be jealous.
Adding to an already down day, which had been building over a week as the anniversary of my mom’s death was approaching, and I pretty much felt like I wanted the world to stop yesterday. I curled into a ball on my bed, and tried to become numb. Didn’t work, of course, but at least I was aware of my reactions, and even if I didn’t have the energy to do something constructive with it, I am much more self-aware than I was a couple years ago, and up through last summer.
Today, wasn’t much better. I got some work done, but kept thinking about last night- I was heading to bed, and Lynn said she’d be up in a few minutes. So I waited, an hour and a half, before I fell asleep. She did come to bed, finally- at 2:00, apparently. Seems she’d decided that chatting with a friend was more interesting. Which made me feel like I’m unimportant, and don’t matter.
So we were talking about things today, as she’d sent me an IM- I had fallen asleep, and she was leaving for class- saying that she thought talking about some subjects with her was too hard, that she was causing me more stress. I didn’t get that one, at all- am I supposed to talk to her, or not? That’s what I had said, that I didn’t share some things because it upsets her; talking about last summer, about feelings I have when I don’t like myself, or thinking about some of the past things, that I want to be done with but am not. Apparently, it makes a difference if she thinks she’s upsetting me, it’s okay, but if I’m worried about upsetting her, it’s not? I don’t know.
The rest of this post is being written Wednesday evening, I never did finish last night
So, where am I? Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. Lynn and I were talking and She’d made some comment, that the “rules” have changed, and she doesn’t feel that she should have to tell me if she talks, or shares photos, or cams anymore. We had to pause the conversation some, for a kid run, and then she’d fallen asleep, so some of this is the middle of the night, and some this morning.
During the night, I re-asked her to please tell me if she was camming, etc, etc. She said she would, but not happily. So, when I wasn’t sleeping, I did a lot of thinking. This morning, I told her that I didn’t want her to tell me. She was happy about that, but did say it felt different, than when I’d told her to stop archiving her chats- which I’d actually told her several times, that she didn’t have to do that. She said that that felt more like I was telling her because I trusted her more, and this was more that I “had to”.
So, I didn’t say anything, until she basically said I should spit out what it was I was thinking, so I just told her: I’d decided that since in the last year, she’s not bothered with telling me despite repeatedly assuring me she would, that it wasn’t worth my getting upset about anymore. She’s not going to change what she does anyway, and since she’s not able to do what (in my mind is a simple, and not unreasonable request) she says she will, I’m done worrying about it.
Her comment was something along the lines of “I’m more likely to tell you now anyway, because I don’t feel like I have to.” I didn’t say it, but it struck me as a pretty childish reaction, rather like “I’ll do it because I want to, not because I said I would.” But, I can’t change that, either.
At this point, I guess I’m just trying to find a way to let it go and not think about it anymore. I commented that it took her a year, but her “working on it”, has been successful. She gets to cam and chat and talk and whatever, and if she feels like it she’ll tell me. The nice part about it though, is that I can actually feel a tightening in my gut loosening today- because if I don’t have an expectation that she’ll tell me, it wont hurt if she doesn’t.
We’ll see how this goes, anyway.