A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Some Assembly Required

So, I did it. Lynn and I headed into New York City this afternoon, because she needed oil retouching paints for her black-and-white film class. I went because I’d been drooling over some of the equipment that’s available at the B&H store for a long time.

Wow. That’s all I can say, is wow. We found the store okay, even parked on the street for free, which is just plain lucky. We walked down three blocks, and Wow.

Did I say Wow?

It’s like a candy store, for people into photography, videography, home theater, lighting, sound-

Wow.

Picture your hardware store, but two stories tall. The customers wander around picking out what they want, and the clerks then ring it up as an invoice. Then, your items (if small enough) are placed into a carrier tote, which speeds your purchases to the merchandise pick-up-area.

You are free to continue shopping at that point, and any further items will just be added to your invoice and sent over to join your first batch. If you’re done, you get to go to the check-out person, who will ring you up from the invoice, and after you’ve paid, you make your way to the merchandise pick-up to be reunited with your selections. (Or, in our case, the oversize pickup, heheh).

Once you’ve got your greedy little hands on your new toys, you get to leave and go play. With, of course, a stop for Thai food, since you’re right there, and there are not just ONE but TWO Thai restaurants between you and the car.

Finally home, you get to open your boxes- and pull out your Impact lights. All three of them, with stands, reflectors, umbrellas, and carrying case. Having been looking at reviews of the items, I knew that there were no instructions included, and that several people had found it difficult to get it all together. I dove in bravely, however, figuring that “forewarned is… well, in this case, forewarned is forewarned, and not much else”.

However, with some trial and error, and who knows if it’s 100% correct, I did indeed get everything up and lit. Since that’s the goal, I figure I’m well on my way.

So, now the trick is to figure out how to get it all back in the carrying case, which is trickier than it seems, but I’m sure I’ll get it sooner or later. Meanwhile, there’s nothing wrong with a photo-studio in the living room or bedroom, is there?

Filed under: BandH, lighting, lights, new york, photography

Lighting

I love the way this turned out, the whole set is pretty good- even if I’m saying so myself.

I’ve been working on my lighting a fair amount, lately, and yesterday I took hundreds of photos. The set that we did with a black background really pleased me, because the whole “floating against black” really turned out okay.

Especially, since the backdrops and supports are just improvisations. I was telling a friend that wal-mart sheets and craft-store silk flowers, are your friends, if you want to have inexpensive but fun ways to modify backgrounds and pick up silly props.

Have I mentioned before, that I LOVE this camera? Oh, I have? Must be senility that makes me repeat myself- but I sure do love this camera!

Love my darling model, too, I’m thinkin’ that that’s part of why these work.

 

Filed under: lynn, photography, photos, sensual, sexy

Thinking about Trust, and a bunch of randomness too

Trust, is something that I never particularly thought of much. I either trusted, or I didn’t trust someone, or something, without really knowing why, much of the time. Perhaps because I’ve been pretty blessed throughout my life with people that were trustworthy, it’s not been a huge thing in my mind. I don’t remember horrible betrayals of fifth-grade confidences, nor being ratted-out in ninth. The people I encountered that I would think of as “Not trustworthy” were usually given that classification based on observations of what they had done or said in regards to someone else, not me.

So it’s been difficult for me over the past year and a half, to know quite what to do with myself, my emotions, on the occasions when I have been confronted with untrustworthiness. (Is that a real word? If not, it should be). I am finding that it’s a lot harder to deal with, for a couple of reasons. One part of it, of course, is the importance of the relationship; obvious, but something I had to learn apparently, is that the impact is much more damaging when the person is close to you, and you care about them more than even a “bestest friend”.

The second part I’m struggling with, is that we seem to go up and down, or two steps forward, one step back. We’ll be doing our thing, and I’m thinking “this is good”, feeling closer and communicating well, and I get hit with something that seems to stop me in my tracks. Problem is, when I get stopped like that, is that it brings back all the old feelings and concerns, in a huge rush of fear and anger and jealousy and hurt. And of course, I know my own reaction to that– shutdown, pull back, withdraw and let the coldness numb the feelings, and they’ll go away. Right? Right?

Oh, wrong. Doesn’t work that way, not anymore, not for me- I can’t do it like that anymore, and honestly don’t want to again. That way leads to misery, unhappiness, and coming way to close to dying. No, can’t do that anymore.

Each time, the apologies, the tears, the wanting to be held, are immediate. Each time, I’ve opened my arms, held and cuddled and we’ve talked; and each time, depending on how things progress, we’ve made love, and spent the next week or two being reassured and reassuring more regularly than before. Each time, after a week or so, the attitude seems to be that “it’s all gone, you shouldn’t be worried about it, I said I’m sorry what more do you want, get past it.”

Which I wish I could do, with all my heart I wish I could do that, so easily. Lynn has said: “You think to much”, and also “You worry about when things happened too much, like a calendar”. I guess I probably do, but it’s because when something happens, I can’t help but be reminded of the time before, or the time before that, or before that- and when the emotions are brought back repeatedly, so too are the memories of prior events, that caused them.

Unfortunately, each little betrayal of trust, each little lie or deceit, hasn’t happened in a vacuum. I can’t pretend that it’s not happened before; it has, and it’s hard for her to know I’m remembering, it hurts her to know that I am, but I can’t help it. I can wish they hadn’t, but that doesn’t change anything. I can wish for a selective lobotomy too, but my insurance doesn’t cover them- so, I’m stuck with my minds inability to forget that it’s not the first time, or more, that I’ve been smacked with something similar.

So I’ve tried some different methods, to minimize the ouch, some more successful than others. I’ve pretended that it doesn’t matter, that I don’t care, but that doesn’t work out very well. I’ve ignored things, figuring if I don’t acknowledge it, it wont have a chance to be a problem; that works to an extent, as long as it’s littler things- how much and who, doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t ignore being lied to, though, that part doesn’t work.

So now, we’re in the cuddle-talk-sex-overcompensation mode again, for the last week or so. There’s no real ending to this particular sequence of thoughts, because I don’t know what the ending is yet. We’re in the “talk a lot and reassurance” stage, and I’m trying to not be suspicious of every word or action or expression. So we just carry on, I guess.

The good things, are still going on too, of course. We are talking more intimately than we have in years and years. We’re sharing more of what our days are, of what we look at on the computer, who we’re talking to, and these are all good things.

Getting ready to go to Utah skiing, in March, and that’s going to be great- the first mountain trip for the three younger kids, and it’s been way too long since we’ve skied on something other than mounds- here in NY, they don’t have Mountains, only mounds, ya know.

We’re also planning another just the two of us vacations, in May- going to Cancun, with some friends of ours, and that’s going to be neat too. Granted, it’d probably be nicer in mid-winter, but we couldn’t afford that even if there was space at the hotel, so we’ll be going just after the price drops from the peaks. Should still be fun, and I’m looking forward to the day trips, they set up tours to some of the Mayan villages/sites, that should be a blast.

We’ve been having a lot of fun with the photography, too- Lynn’s taking photography II this semester, and loving it. She had a great time in Photo I, last semester, and took some really good shots; she gets to do her own processing too, which is fun, I remember loving that when I did it too. Think we should set up a black and white darkroom? Nahh, probably not- once she’s done with the film work, we’ll be back on digital and it’s so easy to crop and do the processing on the computer, and print at the local Target, or CVS, that it’s not worth it for occasional use anymore.

That reminds me, I’d mentioned that I’m going to Sacramento next month, and bringing my camera; there are a couple of fairly regular readers from there, according to statcounter anyway. Whoever you are, email me (addy is in profile page), and give me some suggestions. I’m not sure how much time I’ll have, and it’s going to be evenings mostly, when I’m free- but I’ve never been there and don’t want to miss something cool through ignorance of the city!

Okay, this got really long, as I’ve added to it over a couple of days; so I’m gonna post it and call this one done.

Filed under: love, lynn, photography, relationship, travel, trust, vacation

This-N-That (Meandering thoughts, again!)

Ups and downs, the past week, but it seems as if once more, all I have to do is learn how to let stuff roll past, not bug me. I’m tryin’, okay? 🙂 Not the easiest thing for me to do, I’m analytical by nature; but that seems to lead to stress, so I’m doing my thing, trying to not worry about things. We’ll see how that goes, but so far I think I’m managing.

Have to go to Sacramento, CA, in a couple of weeks. I’ve spent a bit of time in Palm Springs, and a while just north of San Diego, umpteen years ago; but never anywhere in Northern California, at all. I was thinking of taking a weekend on the end, to go over to San Francisco, which I’ve never seen and always wanted to, but that’s not working out. So I’m flying west on a Sunday, and get home at ungodly hours on the Friday night. Oh well, I’m going to bring my camera along, and see if I can find some time to explore a new place, anyway.

Fighting off colds and sinus infections and coughs and other icky things around this house, the past couple of weeks, which is miserable and boring for all concerned. Ah well, it do happen like that sometimes, but I sure hate when the kids are sick; as I tell my daughter, “Dad’s want to be able to just take all the sicks from you, ‘cuz our stomachs are tougher, and we don’t want you to feel bad.” She agrees with me, that it’s too bad there isn’t a “Dad take the bug away” button; she plans to invent it, when she’s a Doctor. Good plan baby!

Thinking of photographs, I have two more that I’m pretty pleased with- these were in New York City, after the training class one evening. I had stopped to buy a new camera case/laptop case, a backpack style, for those times I want both- also, a backpack is easier than a regular camera bag, on my shoulder and neck. Outside the photo store, in City Hall Park, was this gaslight, that I thought made a neat picture.
Gaslight

Filed under: california, depression, nyc, photography, relationship, travel

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