I’m not sure if I’m regressing, or if Lynn is- but there’s something going on, or perhaps I’m just being foolish. Can’t tell for sure, so I asked her, last night, and was assured “Everything’s fine- I’m fine, we’re fine. Are you okay?”
I am, as far as I know, okay. My fear, of course, is that the black thing can sneak under my guard, and draw me down without my realizing, until way low, that I’m being pulled under, or wrapped inside its cold embrace. I know I’m feeling far away from Lynn, but whether that’s her, or me, I can’t tell.
I know that I don’t think it’s me, rather, but how can I tell? She’s chatting more again, and not coming to bed and/or going to bed at the same time as I am. There’s no random calls during the day anymore, and very few mentions of what’s happening in her day, beyond surface things: “Class was good, professor isn’t, photography is exciting, etc.”
We’re both busy, and trying to get back into the routines of kid’s sports, school runs, drama, band. We’re both taking classes- Lynn is an undergrad at the local college, and I’m taking Masters classes at the seminary in NYC- well, one class at a time, but that’s enough for me right now, while I explore whether or not I want to do more. I’m sure that just the business of our lives has something to do with it, but I don’t particularly like it, I guess.
I hate this feeling, where I’m not actually being “depressed”, or sad, but I have this gnawing in my heart, this feeling that there’s something ominous looming around the corner, or above my head. It’s rather the feeling I get sometimes, just before a major storm arrives, as the air gets heavy and still, and feels so humid you can’t breathe.
All I know how to do, for sure anyway, is to pray- to ask for strength, and courage, and the safety and happiness of the kids, and Lynn, and my family and friends- and even there, I’m not even exactly coherent at what I’m asking for. Lucky I don’t have to be, isn’t it?