A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Unsettled

I’m not sure if I’m regressing, or if Lynn is- but there’s something going on, or perhaps I’m just being foolish. Can’t tell for sure, so I asked her, last night, and was assured “Everything’s fine- I’m fine, we’re fine. Are you okay?”

I am, as far as I know, okay. My fear, of course, is that the black thing can sneak under my guard, and draw me down without my realizing, until way low, that I’m being pulled under, or wrapped inside its cold embrace. I know I’m feeling far away from Lynn, but whether that’s her, or me, I can’t tell.

I know that I don’t think it’s me, rather, but how can I tell? She’s chatting more again, and not coming to bed and/or going to bed at the same time as I am. There’s no random calls during the day anymore, and very few mentions of what’s happening in her day, beyond surface things: “Class was good, professor isn’t, photography is exciting, etc.”

We’re both busy, and trying to get back into the routines of kid’s sports, school runs, drama, band. We’re both taking classes- Lynn is an undergrad at the local college, and I’m taking Masters classes at the seminary in NYC- well, one class at a time, but that’s enough for me right now, while I explore whether or not I want to do more. I’m sure that just the business of our lives has something to do with it, but I don’t particularly like it, I guess.

I hate this feeling, where I’m not actually being “depressed”, or sad, but I have this gnawing in my heart, this feeling that there’s something ominous looming around the corner, or above my head. It’s rather the feeling I get sometimes, just before a major storm arrives, as the air gets heavy and still, and feels so humid you can’t breathe.

All I know how to do, for sure anyway, is to pray- to ask for strength, and courage, and the safety and happiness of the kids, and Lynn, and my family and friends- and even there, I’m not even exactly coherent at what I’m asking for. Lucky I don’t have to be, isn’t it?

Filed under: depression, emotions, pray

Count your Blessings

Yesterday, I stopped taking the pain and nerve medications. I decided, after thinking about it for a while, and from what the primary Doctor’s reaction was, to the prescriptions that the physiatrist had given me (Basically, “Oh. Are they any help at all?” Which, isn’t clear so much as his tone, which was very clearly indicating that he wondered why she bothered).

It made Lynn mad, but I haven’t been getting any better by taking them, and they’re bugging me with side effects that I didn’t like, so I figured that if I stop taking them and nothing changes, then nothing has been lost. If I stop taking them, and I hurt more or the numbness gets worse, well then it’s easy enough to start taking them again. So today was the second full day without them, the first work day and all I’ve noticed is a bit of extra soreness in my neck. The numbness hasn’t increased or decreased, my range of motion is the same, so I’m not really sure that the drugs had any effect at all, except to make the doc feel that she was doing something.

That’s probably unfair, I’m sure she is doing her best, but it’s frustrating to have no change for not taking them.

So, the next thing is to find the anesthesiologist, and setup to have an epidural and more physical therapy. From there, who knows?

I was speaking at work today, about stress and how we deal with it, and shared my worries about the arm, and what if it doesn’t get better? What if this is what it is, and all the limitations that it puts on me.

BUT, this class is partially based on how we deal with stress, and how to manage worry so that it doesn’t consume you.

So I also shared something that I was trying to put into practice, one of Dale Carnegies’ principles:

“Count your blessings, not your troubles.”

Simple words, but very powerful:

I can pray, I can work, I can type, I can read, I can hug. I can cuddle. I can take photographs, I can walk. I have the kids, I have friends, I have Lynn.

The list can go on, and on, and when I really look at it, and think about it, well, my troubles are really not anything much. So, I’m trying my best to remember to count those blessings, and let the troubles fall where they may.

Filed under: arm, arthritis, blessings, depression, learning, limits, pain, pray, relationship

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