A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Long catching-up post

Wow, seems like it’s been forever since I’ve had time to sit and write, to post anything- and looking at the dates, from the last post to now, and thinking of all that has been going on, I guess it’s not surprising.

I spent two weeks in Minnesota, on the island, loving the time off, which was wonderful. When we moved here to New York, we kept the cabin there, with Lynn’s family around, and every year she and the kids have spent the summer there, while I stay here until I can get a couple weeks in. We’ve done this for the last seventeen years, since our second boy Rob was a baby, so it’s very comforting, in an odd way, to have the routine down.

One of the things that struck me hard, this year, is how much I’ve missed Lynn, while she was gone. Not that I ever didn’t miss her, even the last few years- but, it was nothing like now, and nothing like what it was in the early part of our marriage. I guess there were more years than I’d realized, where I didn’t particularly care if she was around, nor miss her if she wasn’t- or at least, not as much. I commented about that to her, and she agreed- that there’s something more in our relationship, again, that was there in the beginning and was lost for a time, and is coming back. Made me feel so close to her, that she was feeling that too.

There were a couple of times when we were talking though, that were a little less than easy- at one point, I had been asking her something, and she burst out, “Are you afraid of being happy?” She was upset because I was asking her about something that was bothering me, but it didn’t bother her- so in her mind, my concern was not something that she’d thought of, not something that she was unhappy about, so why was I?

That one, made me pause, and think a lot. Am I afraid to be happy? She meant it in the context of our communications, of what is shared and not shared, of what is okay to play, and not. I don’t think I am afraid, but maybe I’m blind to something she sees? I don’t know. Something to think about, but I’m not particularly sure that there will be an answer. If there is something that makes me unhappy, am I supposed to stuff it down and bury it, as before? No chance; that path goes straight back to the hospital, the nut-hut, the looney bin- and I am not going there again. Too many crazy people there, ya know.

The other was related to the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, which digger had blogged about back in June of 2007, here. When I had suggested to Lynn we do this, she agreed; but then, she said something to me about not being able to respond to the questions honestly. So, that dropped, and I didn’t bring it up again, I wasn’t going to bother if she wasn’t going to be honest. Another time, she clarified, explaining that I had misunderstood, that what she meant was she didn’t find the rating “scale”, assigning numeric values, to be meaningful. We left it at that, and so it went away.

This summer, though, I was thinking about communication, and ways to work on ours, to keep gaining in our ability to talk and share, and thought of it again- so we talked, and decided that we’d go through it, but in our own way. Instead of going through it individually, and writing it out, we would go through it, and formulate our thoughts; then, when we were ready, we’d sit down together and simply talk our way through it, and not worry so much about the numbers but rather the relative importance as we went.

I’m not going to break down all our responses, but it was interesting to see the areas we agree on, and disagree on, as far as priorities. We pretty much were on the same page for family, financial/domestic support, sexual fulfillment, recreation; slightly different in affection (I need more than she does), and conversation (although that’s a limit of kids and busyness, mostly). Where we were substantially different, was in honesty and openness. I felt it more important, and less satisfied, where she was more satisfied and thus placed less of an emphasis on it.

It was interesting to go through it together, and we talked about ways to move our relationship so that our needs and expectations get closer to the reality of our lives; or should that be that what we do, move closer to fulfilling the needs and expectations? Either way will do, I guess, perhaps sometimes expectations need to be modified to reality, as well as the times when changes can be made to meet expectations.

The two bigger boys, Jeremy and Rob and I, got to put out a fire in the forest when a tree was struck by lightning, so we decided to call ourselves the Island Fire Brigade. Putting out a fire with buckets and a trash can, after traveling to the scene via canoe, is certainly a new experience for me!

I got to take a lot of photos, too, which I am loving more and more, have them posted over there>>> on flickr. Photos of the lake, of birds, of flowers, a set of Lynn, and some really cool portraits of Lynn’s niece Sharon. I was talking with a friend, and decided that it’s a good thing I have found photography again, because the nerve is still keeping me from the other things I want to do.

I try hard to remember that although I can’t do some things, I have so much, and can still do a lot, but sometimes it’s difficult not to feel sorry for myself, a little bit- or rather, to miss the other things, I guess. I don’t want to get all broody about it, so if I do, just whack me around a bit, okay?

I take Jeremy back to college on Saturday, which is hard to believe- he’s going to be a Junior, this year, and working as the RA. Which is great, for my checkbook, he gets room and board, and since it’s a state school, the tuition is actually reasonable- as college tuition goes, anyway, at least it’s not one of the $45,000.00 /year schools that he was thinking about. I can’t imagine how people do that, it seems like all the kids must graduate with a degree in “how to handle 120,000 debt in four short year lessons” or something like that. What’s really hard to believe, is how mature he’s gotten, compared to the first time I took him away. He’s really a great kid, and I’m incredibly proud of him.

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Filed under: family, lynn, meanderings, relationship, vacation, , , , , , , , ,

Another meandering post

So, it’s been a while since I’ve felt much like writing anything, I guess, but for whatever reason I have to tonight. The problem, is that the part of me that is insisting that I write something, hasn’t seen fit to tell me what to write about. Darn ol’ muses anyway, they’re always out for coffee or something when I need them.

So, I guess it’s going to be another of my “meandering” posts, sorry about that. Don’t read, if you don’t want to fall asleep, sorry. 🙂

The traveling that I’ve been doing for the last several weeks is thankfully at an end, for a bit. The next trip will be a vacation to the cabin, I’ll go and join the gang for two weeks at the end of July. Dad’s going to come out and pick me up, which is a nice way to save on the airfare. Then I’ll have a couple of shorter trips this fall, but nothing like the 10 week round that we just finished.

I have mixed feelings about this summer, too. It’s very normal for me to stay home alone, while Lynn and the kids spend the summer at the cabin. But I also have in the back of my head (You’d think the back would be full by now, but I manage to keep too much garbage back there somehow), that a couple of years ago, in the summer, was when I had the first round of ring-around-the-rosy-with-the-black-thing. I know, I know, I’m in a different emotional state, and a different mental state, and I have a lot more and better support in place now. Knowing that, doesn’t change the feelings though- I tend to “know” a lot of things without being able to “feel” them, at times, so I just have to deal with it.

One good thing is that I wont be completely alone this year, though. Jeremy has a couple of jobs, and he’s going to stay here and only go to Minnesota when I do; and afterwards, both he and Rob will be coming back, so it’s not as if I’ll be quite as isolated as normal. I’m thinking that’s going to be a good thing, overall, even if it does mean they’ll want to do oddball things, like eat.

Lynn and I are doing okay, these days. I’m getting used to and adjusting to the knowledge that as we’ve grown older, we’ve changed, and even if the changes aren’t what I would have thought of, or looked for, I can deal with them. I still get a bit broody sometimes, when I consider differences and similarities to a couple of years ago- what I now think of as “pre-asshole” days- but I guess that’s a part of life that everyone needs to face. After all, “they” say that change is inevitable, so if “they” know anything at all, I’ll just keep working on acceptance of the things I cannot change. I guess, too, the deeper changes aren’t even specifically related to when I learned of them, but were going back further- I just didn’t know it, in my fog of depression.

As I said at the start, this is a non-subject post- just the irritability and restlessness that pops up when I don’t write something- and now, I seem to hear (maybe) a bit of a call (faintly) from someone that seems to think I should invent her and write her a bit- so I’ll go see if a bit of fiction may result.

Filed under: depression, family, lynn, meanderings, relationship, vacation, , , ,

Thinking about Trust, and a bunch of randomness too

Trust, is something that I never particularly thought of much. I either trusted, or I didn’t trust someone, or something, without really knowing why, much of the time. Perhaps because I’ve been pretty blessed throughout my life with people that were trustworthy, it’s not been a huge thing in my mind. I don’t remember horrible betrayals of fifth-grade confidences, nor being ratted-out in ninth. The people I encountered that I would think of as “Not trustworthy” were usually given that classification based on observations of what they had done or said in regards to someone else, not me.

So it’s been difficult for me over the past year and a half, to know quite what to do with myself, my emotions, on the occasions when I have been confronted with untrustworthiness. (Is that a real word? If not, it should be). I am finding that it’s a lot harder to deal with, for a couple of reasons. One part of it, of course, is the importance of the relationship; obvious, but something I had to learn apparently, is that the impact is much more damaging when the person is close to you, and you care about them more than even a “bestest friend”.

The second part I’m struggling with, is that we seem to go up and down, or two steps forward, one step back. We’ll be doing our thing, and I’m thinking “this is good”, feeling closer and communicating well, and I get hit with something that seems to stop me in my tracks. Problem is, when I get stopped like that, is that it brings back all the old feelings and concerns, in a huge rush of fear and anger and jealousy and hurt. And of course, I know my own reaction to that– shutdown, pull back, withdraw and let the coldness numb the feelings, and they’ll go away. Right? Right?

Oh, wrong. Doesn’t work that way, not anymore, not for me- I can’t do it like that anymore, and honestly don’t want to again. That way leads to misery, unhappiness, and coming way to close to dying. No, can’t do that anymore.

Each time, the apologies, the tears, the wanting to be held, are immediate. Each time, I’ve opened my arms, held and cuddled and we’ve talked; and each time, depending on how things progress, we’ve made love, and spent the next week or two being reassured and reassuring more regularly than before. Each time, after a week or so, the attitude seems to be that “it’s all gone, you shouldn’t be worried about it, I said I’m sorry what more do you want, get past it.”

Which I wish I could do, with all my heart I wish I could do that, so easily. Lynn has said: “You think to much”, and also “You worry about when things happened too much, like a calendar”. I guess I probably do, but it’s because when something happens, I can’t help but be reminded of the time before, or the time before that, or before that- and when the emotions are brought back repeatedly, so too are the memories of prior events, that caused them.

Unfortunately, each little betrayal of trust, each little lie or deceit, hasn’t happened in a vacuum. I can’t pretend that it’s not happened before; it has, and it’s hard for her to know I’m remembering, it hurts her to know that I am, but I can’t help it. I can wish they hadn’t, but that doesn’t change anything. I can wish for a selective lobotomy too, but my insurance doesn’t cover them- so, I’m stuck with my minds inability to forget that it’s not the first time, or more, that I’ve been smacked with something similar.

So I’ve tried some different methods, to minimize the ouch, some more successful than others. I’ve pretended that it doesn’t matter, that I don’t care, but that doesn’t work out very well. I’ve ignored things, figuring if I don’t acknowledge it, it wont have a chance to be a problem; that works to an extent, as long as it’s littler things- how much and who, doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t ignore being lied to, though, that part doesn’t work.

So now, we’re in the cuddle-talk-sex-overcompensation mode again, for the last week or so. There’s no real ending to this particular sequence of thoughts, because I don’t know what the ending is yet. We’re in the “talk a lot and reassurance” stage, and I’m trying to not be suspicious of every word or action or expression. So we just carry on, I guess.

The good things, are still going on too, of course. We are talking more intimately than we have in years and years. We’re sharing more of what our days are, of what we look at on the computer, who we’re talking to, and these are all good things.

Getting ready to go to Utah skiing, in March, and that’s going to be great- the first mountain trip for the three younger kids, and it’s been way too long since we’ve skied on something other than mounds- here in NY, they don’t have Mountains, only mounds, ya know.

We’re also planning another just the two of us vacations, in May- going to Cancun, with some friends of ours, and that’s going to be neat too. Granted, it’d probably be nicer in mid-winter, but we couldn’t afford that even if there was space at the hotel, so we’ll be going just after the price drops from the peaks. Should still be fun, and I’m looking forward to the day trips, they set up tours to some of the Mayan villages/sites, that should be a blast.

We’ve been having a lot of fun with the photography, too- Lynn’s taking photography II this semester, and loving it. She had a great time in Photo I, last semester, and took some really good shots; she gets to do her own processing too, which is fun, I remember loving that when I did it too. Think we should set up a black and white darkroom? Nahh, probably not- once she’s done with the film work, we’ll be back on digital and it’s so easy to crop and do the processing on the computer, and print at the local Target, or CVS, that it’s not worth it for occasional use anymore.

That reminds me, I’d mentioned that I’m going to Sacramento next month, and bringing my camera; there are a couple of fairly regular readers from there, according to statcounter anyway. Whoever you are, email me (addy is in profile page), and give me some suggestions. I’m not sure how much time I’ll have, and it’s going to be evenings mostly, when I’m free- but I’ve never been there and don’t want to miss something cool through ignorance of the city!

Okay, this got really long, as I’ve added to it over a couple of days; so I’m gonna post it and call this one done.

Filed under: love, lynn, photography, relationship, travel, trust, vacation

This-N-That (Meandering thoughts, again!)

Ups and downs, the past week, but it seems as if once more, all I have to do is learn how to let stuff roll past, not bug me. I’m tryin’, okay? 🙂 Not the easiest thing for me to do, I’m analytical by nature; but that seems to lead to stress, so I’m doing my thing, trying to not worry about things. We’ll see how that goes, but so far I think I’m managing.

Have to go to Sacramento, CA, in a couple of weeks. I’ve spent a bit of time in Palm Springs, and a while just north of San Diego, umpteen years ago; but never anywhere in Northern California, at all. I was thinking of taking a weekend on the end, to go over to San Francisco, which I’ve never seen and always wanted to, but that’s not working out. So I’m flying west on a Sunday, and get home at ungodly hours on the Friday night. Oh well, I’m going to bring my camera along, and see if I can find some time to explore a new place, anyway.

Fighting off colds and sinus infections and coughs and other icky things around this house, the past couple of weeks, which is miserable and boring for all concerned. Ah well, it do happen like that sometimes, but I sure hate when the kids are sick; as I tell my daughter, “Dad’s want to be able to just take all the sicks from you, ‘cuz our stomachs are tougher, and we don’t want you to feel bad.” She agrees with me, that it’s too bad there isn’t a “Dad take the bug away” button; she plans to invent it, when she’s a Doctor. Good plan baby!

Thinking of photographs, I have two more that I’m pretty pleased with- these were in New York City, after the training class one evening. I had stopped to buy a new camera case/laptop case, a backpack style, for those times I want both- also, a backpack is easier than a regular camera bag, on my shoulder and neck. Outside the photo store, in City Hall Park, was this gaslight, that I thought made a neat picture.
Gaslight

Filed under: california, depression, nyc, photography, relationship, travel

Another for Lynn

Sometimes, my writing is aimed- this is one of them. Rambling and sappy, so if you don’t like that, skip this one! 🙂

At each New Years, I find that I’m less of a resolution maker, than I am a reflector-of-the past year, and this one was no exception. Looking back had often meant nostalgia, and frequently, as my depression deepened, it meant all kinds of bad feelings of things not done, actions that I regretted, inadequacies highlighted, and other not-so-good-for-me thoughts.

What a nice change, this year, from other years. Looking back as objectively as I can, 2007 was not an easy year, for me, for my family, for Lynn. Continued struggles with depression, fighting off the black thing. Changes as our relationship developed, into new and although exciting, sometimes scary areas; difficulties with the kids, with finances, with job changes and schools and health problems, lack of progress on my nerve had all combined to add up to a year that would have sent me down deep.

But as we were talking, and I looked a little further back, to where we were in 2004, 05, 06- I was struck by an amazing difference. Some of it is purely emotional, and in my attitude towards things, of course. Anti-depressants are good for that, once you have the right med and the correct dosage. (Three cheers for better living through chemistry!). Some of it, a lot of it, is the tremendous changes in Lynn’s and my relationship. A year ago, two years ago, we could very easily have tossed in the towel, if we’d been faced with some of the adjustments we have had to make this year.

But we’ve managed to keep talking, keep working on ourselves, continue to try to share and understand one another, and as we’ve done so my own outlook has gradually become more and more positive.

We had always told ourselves and the kids that we can do anything, if we do it together, as a family- supporting one another, offering our love and strength to each other when needed, and there would be nothing at all that we couldn’t face and conquer. In the past several years, although the words were there, the feeling wasn’t. Lynn and I weren’t there for each other, and the worst part of that, is that neither of us particularly cared.

Wednesday night, though, as we talked, as I held her and she was wrapped into my arms, the two of us intertwined as if we were one, we didn’t feel that. I could feel her love for me, again, the way I used to- but hadn’t, for so long. I didn’t know how empty a part of me still was, until I noticed, that night, that the space where I store the “I know she loves me”, wasn’t blank anymore.

I was holding her, we were talking, and something brought tears to her eyes, as I held her and loved her- and told her that sharing those tears with me, was more important than anything else we’ve done or talked about; that even after all this time, it still means so much that she can allow herself to trust that I’ll hold her, and be there for her. Perhaps it’s because she doesn’t do that often, but it brought the weepies to me, as well. I think there’s nothing more special, than two people reaffirming love for one another, through sex and cuddles and kisses, through laughter and tears. Mix all of that into a couple hours, and you get a pretty neat way to look at where you are.

So, this year, I’ve decided to make a resolution after all: In 2008, my goal is to get even closer to Lynn, and see if it’s true that two people can become one.

I Love You darling.

Filed under: depression, lynn, new years, relationship

I’m blatantly plagiarizing here, because…

Melissa made an observation in a comment, in response to this post, talking about forgiveness in the context of a story discussion that struck me as so sensible, so intuitively “right”, that I had to copy it to a post of its own:

I wonder though, if our forgiveness isn’t meant for the act but the person. Not sure if that makes sense, the way I wrote it. In other words, people tend to exhibit the same weaknesses over and over, and rather than forgiving the manifestation of that weakness each time (each incident, each letdown), would it make more sense to just recognize this is part of that person (at least at present) and forgive them once and for all?

I’m torn here, because of course there are times when I think “Again? But I’m tired! I don’t think I’m that resilient!”

I was actually writing something else when the email notifying me of the comment came in, and it was so appropriate to what I was writing, that I’d suspect that she was reading over my shoulder if I didn’t know better.

Forgive the whole, accept that something is part of the person, and not worry about the re-occurrences. I wonder, can I be that resilient? Can I not worry about the repeated things?

Hhhhmmmmmmmmm.

Might be better than turning into a rock, no?

Filed under: forgiveness, relationship

What to do, what to do

This has not been a very fun week, overall. I’ve been away, working in Atlanta, but that’s okay. The “not fun” started last weekend, really. Bottom line, is I’ve decided that, as I wished for in the previous post, I’m going to become a rock.

At least, in certain areas, and in some parts of this marriage. Being a rock, then it wont hurt, you see. So I told Lynn, “If assh*** shows up, tell me; if I ask, tell me; otherwise, I don’t want to know, anymore.”

See, I thought for a year, that it’d be easier, if there was sharing, and knowing what was what, etc, etc. But since that wasn’t really happening, it just caused problems and stress, and pain, and a lot of fighting.

So I figure, try another way- maybe, I can just step back from that, and it’ll be better, or at least easier. We’ll have to see how that goes; we’re talking, still, so maybe this will work.

Tonight, though, should be a lot of fun! We have all the kids gone, wow! Not sure when that’s happened last, but we’ve been attempting to think of something to do, maybe a little more out of the ordinary than just going for dinner, coming home and finding ourselves at loose ends; Yeah, we’d be able to entertain ourselves sexually, thank you, but I’m trying to think of something more to do before I rip her clothes off, and jump her. (Or, perhaps, she rips mine off, and jumps me- never know how that might play out!).

We could go into NYC, but it’s chilly to just wander around, and I don’t know about places to “go”, really, that would be affordable and fun. We could just do dinner, movie and drinks, etc, but that seems like it’s not “enough”, on a night when we don’t have to be concerned with the kiddos.

Hmmmm, well, not sure what we’ll end up doing, but I’m looking forward to it anyway.

Filed under: date, lynn, relationship

Meanderings and Thanksgiving

Some random meanders

So I wonder, if I’m ever going to be a grown-up. I used to think being grown-up meant that you had your shit together; you were responsible; that you knew how to take care of your family and your kids; you were reasonably able to provide for them, or do your part if that’s what it needed; the emotional tailspins of being a kid, being a teenager, were over with, that you no longer felt alone, that you (or me, actually) felt as if things were at least moving along toward whatever your future would hold.

Apparently, I’m either:
A. Not a grown up yet
B. That’s not what it means
C. I’m nuts

I’ve found that, instead: I never seem to get my shit together; responsibility is a dirty word; I have no idea what to do for my family, or if I’m meeting their needs; I can work my ass off, and it’s never quite enough; and my emotions are probably more mixed up and roller-coaster-ey than they were when I was a teenager.

So unless my definition of being a grown-up needs revising, perhaps into something like: one who is usually confused, often discouraged, feeling inadequate for his family, emotional and not sure what’s happening next. If that’s the definition, then I’m doing okay.

My fear, is that that’s not quite how it works though, that I don’t get to modify the definitions to fit me.


It’s so great, to sit around the kitchen table at dinner time, and have the whole gang here. JT arrived yesterday for the long weekend, and all six of us had dinner together. There’s something so wonderful, so right, about having us all together, where they belong; even if he goes out, which he does a lot, he’s “home” at night- and I love that feeling.


Lynn said something about using the camera the other night, just conversation. I said, “whatever”, and she said something about “just telling me”. I don’t get it- and told her so. I don’t understand what more I can give, and she wont or cant say herself… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this information, cheer? It’s not as if I didn’t already know she hadn’t come to bed until four, or that she was trying to do something with the headsets, and all- cuz they’re out on the desk, and weren’t before. So if the deal is that I don’t need to know, then why bother to tell me?


Thanksgiving, since we’ve moved to New York, has been an all over the place holiday. We’ve spent it with strangers in Brooklyn; in Palm Springs, in Connecticut, in New Jersey. We have very seldom spent it here, though, or that’s what it seems like to me. This year, we’ll be heading to Jersey, to a nephew’s house, with their little guy and his wife. Such a nice little boy he is, and cute as cute can be- should be a great day.

This year, I am especially thankful for friends, new and old. I haven’t had friends, good friends, in a long long time, and I’m grateful for those that I’ve met and made over the past year- for showing me that I can be, and can have, friends.

Filed under: family, friends, meanderings, relationship, thanksgiving

Homecoming

For a long time, even more than I knew at that time, coming home didn’t really mean much. I used to call myself The Invisible Man- in fact, I had that on this blog, for a long time. I would come home from work, and when I asked how her day was, I’d get either no response at all, or a very perfunctory “Fine.”

Rarely, was I asked about my own day, and to be honest, I didn’t really care. When I tried to share what I was doing, the glazed eyes, and the obvious desire to be back at the game of the night, made me unwilling to open up and share- even to the extent of “good, or bad”. No, my days were also “Fine,” because it was simpler for me too.

Often, when I would say something about schedules, about events, about whatever, I would be completely ignored, if it was even comprehended at all. Frequently, I found myself not saying anything, because that, too, was simpler; and thinking about it now, I think it was also less painful that way- a fine defense mechanism! So the more I was ignored, the more I withdrew, and that, naturally, led to more of the being ignored.

Not a particularly fun time, now that I’m able to look back at it with a little perspective. Over the past year-plus, since the day I decided I didn’t want to die after all, I’ve been working hard, on not allowing myself to fall into that trap again. I can’t go back there, because I wont survive the trip again, I know that much. So, I work at being open; at sharing what’s going on, in my head and heart and life. I’m not very good at it yet, but God knows I’m trying hard, and when I stumble, I’m doing my best to acknowledge that, and not hate myself for it. And, I wont allow myself to be ignored anymore, I no longer let anyone treat me as invisible.

And you know what? It’s great. The more I can open myself, the more Lynn is opening in return. The more I play and talk to the kids, the more they give back. The more I pray, the more I hear God’s message for me.

Yeah, I know, you all knew this ages ago, but as I told a good friend of mine earlier this evening, “I never claimed to be quick at this, or all that bright about it.”

Friday afternoon, I flew back from Atlanta. I was able to catch an earlier flight, and so arrived home about 3 hours ahead of schedule. Lynn was there, and she was happy to see me, and I was so glad to see her, I am marveling at the change that I feel in that.

Been a long time, since I’ve had to travel without them, and even longer since we started making love before I’d even really gotten in- a lot of fun, to start stripping her clothes off in the kitchen,and playing around like that. Feeling her return the favor, yanking my clothes off too, what a great way to come home. We took a few pictures, that we’d been planning on, but then couldn’t wait anymore. Even better, was doing it again, later that day. Two years ago, if we’d had sex, it wouldn’t have been that urgent, and probably not multiple times.

I have to travel again this week, I’m wondering if I can find another early flight? Hmmmmmm…

Filed under: depression, invisibility, love, lynn, relationship, sex

An Apology, Because I’m an Ass.

A bit of angst here, Friday and Saturday. Lynn was upset, because she felt that everything I’ve been writing and sharing portrays her in a negative light, that I’m only seeing bad feelings and actions on her part, and not on my own.

So, some more details of what I wrote about here, my own actions that mimicked what hurt me badly, and why we’ve been stressing about it. I will only preface this by saying that I’m very, very sorry for my actions, which hurt her so badly, and doubt very much that I’ll ever forgive myself for them.

I had made a friend, online, in a game of gin on Pogo.com. (Which is a great place, very fun, and we both play there a lot). Anyway, we started playing gin a lot, and soon enough chatting on Yahoo as well. We talked, we laughed, and we shared stories and feelings that we had both been dealing with. We spoke about music, and families, and she told me of difficulties in her relationship that was pretty much ending. One of the things I loved, was being able to talk openly about being depressed, and how the meds interfere with my life, and other feelings that I was less than comfortable sharing directly with Lynn. We exchanged phone numbers, and began to talk to one another as we drove to work, and at lunchtime, or random points when we could each take a break at the same time.

What is the problem here? I was not fully honest with Lynn, about how much we were talking, and not always open about what we were talking about. I’d mentioned while Lynn was at the cabin, that I was talking to her, but not how much or how often; in fact, I would minimize the amount of interaction we were having. I’m not really sure why, I guess, and at this point all I can say is that I was stupid, thoughtless, and very, very much in the wrong.

What it led to, is a huge, overpoweringly large bill for the cell phone. The minutes added up faster than I realized, and I’ve been used to having flat rate phones or company phones, so I never connected that I’d gone way, way over our plans limits. Over twice as many, in fact, and a bunch of text messages as well.

Yes, I was dumb, it was an asinine thing to do, and very much compounded by having to pay a bill that would have covered tai kwon do for one of the kids, for a year. Ouch. Very much a bad thing.

Worse than that, though, is the minimization and secretiveness that I was doing. Not worse for the checkbook, but certainly worse for our relationship. I can’t excuse it, on any level, and know well that my actions were wrong, and inappropriate and hurtful.

Lynn, this is for you, because I do love you dearly and want to have an honest and open relationship with you- including sharing my own failings and inadequacies with you.

I love you.

This will be my 100th post, Kindof fitting that a milestone post is also an important one, I think

Filed under: apology, lynn, relationship

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