Is it normal, what I feel these days? I keep asking myself, I keep searching places on the ‘net that I hang out in, I keep praying: “Is it normal to have all this jumble of feelings, all mixed and churned? How much of the spinning in my head and heart is typical, and how much is me being all screwy?”
No easy answers are forthcoming, unfortunately. I haven’t found any method that tunes in a signal with the correct answers, like a radio dial. In fact, I’m sometimes not sure if I’m tuning the radio when I should be switching on the T.V., or even if the answers will be sent via smoke-signal.
I know that some of my feelings are driving me crazy, wishing I could get away from them, tuck them into a box and put them out for the garbage to pick up. I have, however, re-learned that this is not the way to deal with emotions, that if I do that they will fester and the black thing will come back and reassert its hold on my heart. So instead, I’ve been allowing them to breathe, experiencing them and allowing them to tell me whatever lesson they have to teach, as best I can.
Sometimes, it’s not fun. Realizing that my life, my work and my hopes and dreams don’t correspond, allowing myself to admit that what I do everyday is no longer fulfilling, challenging or fun, wasn’t easy. I didn’t know myself how caught up I was in the “Work becomes your identity” thing, until I really allowed myself to see that this isn’t what I like to do, anymore.
One of the best tools that I’ve taken away from the class I’m in, is a discernment tool: “Follow the energy.” It’s a deceptively simple thing, really, it simply means that if you spend your days doing activities that leave you drained, emotionally exhausted and mentally depleted, you may not be doing what you should be doing. Conversely, if you find activities that energize you, and leave you feeling like you’re ready for more, it’s a good sign that that’s where you should be focusing.
So, when do I feel drained, and when energized? That’s the conflicts in my head and heart, I guess. I feel drained at work, I feel drained when the ugly jealous feelings rear up, and I think about it too much. I feel drained when I wonder where we’re going, and if we’re progressing, and if I allow the suspicious ickies to stick around.
I feel energized when I am studying, when I’m praying. I feel energized when I write, and I feel energized when I’m loving Lynn and she me, when we’re tuned into each other well. I feel energized when we talk, and can share thoughts, and when I can touch her and love her, and make love to her too.
I feel energized with the kids, when I go to church, when I talk with my classmates.
I felt tremendous energy talking to our Rector, on Wednesday. I’m still absorbing that talk, I’ll be writing about that soon though, I can feel that coming.
So, God and Lynn and Sex=Good. Computers and being a drone and jealous= Bad.