A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

I don’t like myself

Ever done something so stupid, you look at it and say, “What the f— was I thinking? Or, not thinking?”

I’m not generally a stupid person, overall, I’m reasonably intelligent, fairly articulate, a college graduate with a job that isn’t done by dummies. Sometimes that’s not enough, apparently, to keep me from doing really dumb things. Not even a minor, “pretty dumb thing”, or a tongue in cheek laugh, but a full-out all court press to win an award, for being an ass.

Over the past fifteen months, as I’ve tried to come to terms with and deal properly with depression, and then adding in the troubles that we’ve had in our marriage, I thought I was getting reasonably competent at expressing myself, at talking when I need to, or dumping here if I felt compelled to do so. Yet there are things that I still would hold back, and keep in reserve. A lot of these things, I was not sharing with Lynn, because it upset her to hear them, or made her sad, or feel guilty or blame herself; and certainly it’s not her fault, that I’m a fine candidate for the nut-hut. We often seem to do that, as each of us try to keep the other from being hurt, or sad, or whatever the case may be- to our detriment, as we’ve been struggling to learn.

Anyway, I hang out on some support websites, and read blogs, and chat with people here and there about things and life and love and depression. But, I made a friend, who began to share her own struggles, reactions to Zoloft and her relationship of six years that was crumbling, and shared with her my struggles with Lexapro and Wellbutrin and all, and some of what Lynn and I have been trying to cope with.

Nothing wrong with that, until I started to talk to her more than I should, and not tell Lynn that I was; no, I started doing exactly what I was so upset about, not telling Lynn who and what I was talking about, and not letting her know how often or how much we were talking.

See? Stupid. Even knowing better, even as I felt hurt and distant, I was doing precisely the opposite of what I should have been doing.

I don’t like myself, very much.


Filed under: depression, friends, relationship, stupidity

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