Sometimes, I think I’m really a kid. Not in a good way, either. Tonight, I had a moment that made me feel about 11, again; pooor, pooooor, me. Ugh.
I really, really hate some of the things that I can’t do, or rather, the fact that I can’t do them at the moment. I know, the grown-up in me says, “That’s why the surgery, so you’ll be able to, again.” Well, I know that too, that’s why I did it- but tonight, there was a fire call; and since Jeremy decided to come home for a surprise visit, when the pager went off, he and Rob got to jump for shoes, jackets, keys and run- not unusual, except that dammit, I’m supposed to be going too.
I know, I know- it’s been two bloody years since I’ve been able to, I’m used to it, I should be past that bitter pang, but sometimes, I’m not. I also know that with any luck at all, I will be running with them again- and I look forward to that, impatiently, but sensibly.
There’s no guarantee, of course, that I will ever be able to do the firefighting thing again, which would be sad, if the case. But, I can be content then, even if I can’t play, knowing that I did all that I could to be able to get back. So, why does it still hit me sometimes, so hard, that I get this almost physical feeling of longing, that I am letting my guys and gals down, because I’m not there to do my part?
Because, as I said, sometimes I’m a spoiled kid, inside. The feeling I had tonight, was very simple: I want what I want, and I want it RIGHT NOW!
Okay, I’m better, the feeling was fleeting. And, I’m even more determined to follow my Doc’s instructions precisely, so that my recovery has max chance of being optimum. So I’ll stop whining for tonight, but fair warning- I’m on the disabled list for the recovery for several weeks to come, and that means that it’s likely you’ll be having to listen to me whine now and then, for a bit. I’ll do my best to keep them to a minimum though.