A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Sacramento

Sacramento, wasn’t. At least as far as work was concerned, the Sacramento site is actually at the old Mather Air Force Base, which has been converted to civil use. Which is fine, and good, and all that- but it means we stayed in a nothing hotel, in a suburb that could have been just about anywhere at all, called Rancho Cordova. Humph.

What this meant, is that after working from 645 to 700 each day, then dinner, we didn’t get into Sacramento proper at all. We’d planned on trying to go Thursday night, but that didn’t happen either- ‘cuz that night, we worked until about 930, then dinner, and fell into bed; and since the closing meeting was at 630 this morning, no one had the inclination to head in last night.

But, I cheated. Because of the way the flights worked out, my airplane didn’t leave until 115 pm, Pacific time. So, after the meeting this morning, I dropped three of my partners off at the airport, and drove into Sacramento myself. As it turned out, this was a great thing- I didn’t have to worry about holding anyone else up, nor did I have to hurry for a photo opportunity, etc.

I have a load of photos, which I’ll be putting on flickr, but I really loved a couple of them, that I took at the old lift bridge. That was great, because it happened that while I was wandering, a boat was passing; and while I was taking photos, I met the contractor that was responsible for the renovations and sidewalk widening that had been ongoing.

That was excellent, because he called me his “guest”, and let me cross over the barriers and gates while the bridge was in operation, past all the red flashing lights, etc, etc, to take a few photos. Not a bad person to run into, huh? The rest of my wandering was down in “Old Sacramento”, which is an area that’s pretty much maintained as it would have been long ago- but, it’s not quite all museum, so it’s more fun, because the shops are mingled with professional offices, lawyers and architects, accountants and tattoo parlors, ice cream and railroad museum are all in proximity.

It was fun, and I’m glad I didn’t go at night, because everything appeared to close at about 700. Even though I was earlier than many shops were open, it was better light too.

Here’s one of my favorites, click-through to see the rest of them on Flickr.


IMG_0080
Originally uploaded by sailordlv.

Filed under: bridge, photos, Sacramento, train, travel, work

Thinking about Trust, and a bunch of randomness too

Trust, is something that I never particularly thought of much. I either trusted, or I didn’t trust someone, or something, without really knowing why, much of the time. Perhaps because I’ve been pretty blessed throughout my life with people that were trustworthy, it’s not been a huge thing in my mind. I don’t remember horrible betrayals of fifth-grade confidences, nor being ratted-out in ninth. The people I encountered that I would think of as “Not trustworthy” were usually given that classification based on observations of what they had done or said in regards to someone else, not me.

So it’s been difficult for me over the past year and a half, to know quite what to do with myself, my emotions, on the occasions when I have been confronted with untrustworthiness. (Is that a real word? If not, it should be). I am finding that it’s a lot harder to deal with, for a couple of reasons. One part of it, of course, is the importance of the relationship; obvious, but something I had to learn apparently, is that the impact is much more damaging when the person is close to you, and you care about them more than even a “bestest friend”.

The second part I’m struggling with, is that we seem to go up and down, or two steps forward, one step back. We’ll be doing our thing, and I’m thinking “this is good”, feeling closer and communicating well, and I get hit with something that seems to stop me in my tracks. Problem is, when I get stopped like that, is that it brings back all the old feelings and concerns, in a huge rush of fear and anger and jealousy and hurt. And of course, I know my own reaction to that– shutdown, pull back, withdraw and let the coldness numb the feelings, and they’ll go away. Right? Right?

Oh, wrong. Doesn’t work that way, not anymore, not for me- I can’t do it like that anymore, and honestly don’t want to again. That way leads to misery, unhappiness, and coming way to close to dying. No, can’t do that anymore.

Each time, the apologies, the tears, the wanting to be held, are immediate. Each time, I’ve opened my arms, held and cuddled and we’ve talked; and each time, depending on how things progress, we’ve made love, and spent the next week or two being reassured and reassuring more regularly than before. Each time, after a week or so, the attitude seems to be that “it’s all gone, you shouldn’t be worried about it, I said I’m sorry what more do you want, get past it.”

Which I wish I could do, with all my heart I wish I could do that, so easily. Lynn has said: “You think to much”, and also “You worry about when things happened too much, like a calendar”. I guess I probably do, but it’s because when something happens, I can’t help but be reminded of the time before, or the time before that, or before that- and when the emotions are brought back repeatedly, so too are the memories of prior events, that caused them.

Unfortunately, each little betrayal of trust, each little lie or deceit, hasn’t happened in a vacuum. I can’t pretend that it’s not happened before; it has, and it’s hard for her to know I’m remembering, it hurts her to know that I am, but I can’t help it. I can wish they hadn’t, but that doesn’t change anything. I can wish for a selective lobotomy too, but my insurance doesn’t cover them- so, I’m stuck with my minds inability to forget that it’s not the first time, or more, that I’ve been smacked with something similar.

So I’ve tried some different methods, to minimize the ouch, some more successful than others. I’ve pretended that it doesn’t matter, that I don’t care, but that doesn’t work out very well. I’ve ignored things, figuring if I don’t acknowledge it, it wont have a chance to be a problem; that works to an extent, as long as it’s littler things- how much and who, doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t ignore being lied to, though, that part doesn’t work.

So now, we’re in the cuddle-talk-sex-overcompensation mode again, for the last week or so. There’s no real ending to this particular sequence of thoughts, because I don’t know what the ending is yet. We’re in the “talk a lot and reassurance” stage, and I’m trying to not be suspicious of every word or action or expression. So we just carry on, I guess.

The good things, are still going on too, of course. We are talking more intimately than we have in years and years. We’re sharing more of what our days are, of what we look at on the computer, who we’re talking to, and these are all good things.

Getting ready to go to Utah skiing, in March, and that’s going to be great- the first mountain trip for the three younger kids, and it’s been way too long since we’ve skied on something other than mounds- here in NY, they don’t have Mountains, only mounds, ya know.

We’re also planning another just the two of us vacations, in May- going to Cancun, with some friends of ours, and that’s going to be neat too. Granted, it’d probably be nicer in mid-winter, but we couldn’t afford that even if there was space at the hotel, so we’ll be going just after the price drops from the peaks. Should still be fun, and I’m looking forward to the day trips, they set up tours to some of the Mayan villages/sites, that should be a blast.

We’ve been having a lot of fun with the photography, too- Lynn’s taking photography II this semester, and loving it. She had a great time in Photo I, last semester, and took some really good shots; she gets to do her own processing too, which is fun, I remember loving that when I did it too. Think we should set up a black and white darkroom? Nahh, probably not- once she’s done with the film work, we’ll be back on digital and it’s so easy to crop and do the processing on the computer, and print at the local Target, or CVS, that it’s not worth it for occasional use anymore.

That reminds me, I’d mentioned that I’m going to Sacramento next month, and bringing my camera; there are a couple of fairly regular readers from there, according to statcounter anyway. Whoever you are, email me (addy is in profile page), and give me some suggestions. I’m not sure how much time I’ll have, and it’s going to be evenings mostly, when I’m free- but I’ve never been there and don’t want to miss something cool through ignorance of the city!

Okay, this got really long, as I’ve added to it over a couple of days; so I’m gonna post it and call this one done.

Filed under: love, lynn, photography, relationship, travel, trust, vacation

This-N-That (Meandering thoughts, again!)

Ups and downs, the past week, but it seems as if once more, all I have to do is learn how to let stuff roll past, not bug me. I’m tryin’, okay? 🙂 Not the easiest thing for me to do, I’m analytical by nature; but that seems to lead to stress, so I’m doing my thing, trying to not worry about things. We’ll see how that goes, but so far I think I’m managing.

Have to go to Sacramento, CA, in a couple of weeks. I’ve spent a bit of time in Palm Springs, and a while just north of San Diego, umpteen years ago; but never anywhere in Northern California, at all. I was thinking of taking a weekend on the end, to go over to San Francisco, which I’ve never seen and always wanted to, but that’s not working out. So I’m flying west on a Sunday, and get home at ungodly hours on the Friday night. Oh well, I’m going to bring my camera along, and see if I can find some time to explore a new place, anyway.

Fighting off colds and sinus infections and coughs and other icky things around this house, the past couple of weeks, which is miserable and boring for all concerned. Ah well, it do happen like that sometimes, but I sure hate when the kids are sick; as I tell my daughter, “Dad’s want to be able to just take all the sicks from you, ‘cuz our stomachs are tougher, and we don’t want you to feel bad.” She agrees with me, that it’s too bad there isn’t a “Dad take the bug away” button; she plans to invent it, when she’s a Doctor. Good plan baby!

Thinking of photographs, I have two more that I’m pretty pleased with- these were in New York City, after the training class one evening. I had stopped to buy a new camera case/laptop case, a backpack style, for those times I want both- also, a backpack is easier than a regular camera bag, on my shoulder and neck. Outside the photo store, in City Hall Park, was this gaslight, that I thought made a neat picture.
Gaslight

Filed under: california, depression, nyc, photography, relationship, travel

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