A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

So they say, anyway

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

 

 

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anger-

and fear, and where the eff is God in that? I keep trying to remind myself, he’s present, he knows, and he cares… and i thihnk i’m lying to myself, so fuck off you sunovabitch, he’s only 19 and doesnt deserve this.

Good thing I am a rock, and feel no pain.

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Heartbreak

So, my guess is that most people (that don’t live under a rock, and for all I know, there’s an iApp for them, too)… anyway, we’ve probably all heard of Newtown, CT, and the horrific shootings there Friday.

I only popped back on here to share something our new Rector said, as he addressed us; in the context of free-will, and bad things happening,

“God’s heart… his.. he… God’s heart, was the first one breaking.”

Yes, the pauses were his, and yes, it really sucks; but the thing to hang onto, is that God is with us, and God weeps with us, and yes- Gods heart is big enough to break, too.

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Never Forget…. but what then?

I was sitting in church this morning, listening to the sermon, and at one point she mentioned those words, which were plastered all over the place shortly after 9/11/01, banners, signs, t-shirts, bumperstickers. “Never Forget”, usually followed by the date, sometimes accompanied by an image.

As I listened, I remembered- the awful stunning news; slowly comprehending it was real; frantically calling, attempting to anyway, my uncle who was employed at the WTC… the unknowing… the dread fear… of the tears, as we who were also firefighters, watched the deaths of brothers and sisters… of the pall of smoke and dust, visible for days…

And I remembered the Gospel that was read this morning, about forgiveness and how difficult that is; and I thought of other times, other acts that I’ve forgiven, and the many many many times I have needed and been granted forgiveness…

And I thought, what then? Never forget, true- but forgive? God can… we mere humans can try… can we? I dunno.. but, I pray so, that we can forgive in the spirit that we are forgiven.

So, that’s my answer, for today anyway; I’ll never forget… and then, I’ll pray.

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Hurricane Readiness

So, how to prepare for a hurricane? If you’re like many, you buy water, make sure you have propane for the grill, or charcoal- you stock up on food that won’t spoil, knowing roads may be blocked by trees and powerlines if the wind brings them down.

You fill the bathtub with water, if you have a well on a pump, so you can flush the toilets should the power drop. You make sure you have batteries for flashlights, and candles for atmosphere.

Or, you do as my 14 year old daughter did- call some friends, and put on your bathing suits, and wait in the yard & play in the rain, before the wind hits and you can’t be outside.

I like her thinking!

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Why not?

Family
Kids
Live
Jobs
Promotions
Terror
Cars
Utility poles
Tears
Pain
Sadness
Terror
Talk
Breathe
Just breathe
Smile
Terror
Storms
Laughter
Change
Plans
Secrets
Joy
Terror
Love

Mix well, shake thoroughly, splash over ice and you have life; drink deeply.

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Thank you all- Update

I’ve been crazy-busy and hectic and feeling overwhelmed, so I haven’t updated you and I apologize for that. I want to let you all know, Nick is home, he’s doing better. We still have to deal with the underlying causes, but I sure appreciate all your thought, and concern, and prayers.

Thank you all, so much- Craig, Red, Cocotte, Melissa, FADKOG, I can’t tell you how much it helps to know there are people that care.

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Update…

I know I’ve been lax at commenting, and posting- but I’ve been extremely focused on the training that you all made possible, and so I promise that while I’m not being good with comments, I *am* reading…

Tonight, I received an email, that basically challenges those of us that are in training, to commit to finishing by Nov. 21st, for a “soft-launch” of the system on December 1st.

Well… I also saw on a flickr-contact’s site, references to NaNoWriMo, which is a challenge that occurs in November, to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

I got to thinking, and remembering the November of 2005, when I took *that* challenge, and finished it. I had been hesitant to make a commitment to finish the *whole* training in basically two weeks more… but…

If I can write a book in a month, can’t I commit to such a positive attempt at helping someone out?

I did so. And here’s my acknowledgment of that commitment to those who made it possible:

I’ll be ready, come 12/1. I’m going to make you proud!

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Black Things Suck- Big Time!

I have found it interesting, in the last few months, that I’m much more drawn, in my personal life, to the area of suicide awareness & depression, than I ever considered before.

I know, I have had my own struggles- if you’ve read here much, you’re aware of much of that, already. I recently finished the first part of training for the IamAlive program, an online-support type system that is being setup, similar to the 1-800-suicide lines, to work as a volunteer in supporting people with immediate needs. I’ve found myself, via phone, email & text, trying to offer what I can, to more than a few people that seem to find me fairly easy to talk to, about their own struggles.

I wonder, lately- is it that I’ve grown more empathetic? Is is that I’ve always had this inside me, this need to help if I can? Or, is this an outgrowth of my own depression, and the comfortable place I’m in (at the moment, praise God)?

I dunno… but, I know that I’m drawn to this in a way that feels right, so I’m going to go ahead and do the next part of the training, when I can afford it.

However, in the meantime, on a related note- one of my dear blogger friends, is struggling, and having just returned to blogging under prodding, could use a little support, a little help- so, go give a read and some love, willya?

Redheadeditor

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Four Years

So yesterday, we took the oldest boy to his internship, over in New Haven. It was interesting, as we drove, because I was thinking about the first trip to take him to college, four years ago.

I wrote about that, then, but have since shuffled the blog around and you can’t read it anymore; but, I got to thinking about that summer, the summer that led to hell fall; suicide averted, depression and black things, that cold, cold summer of darkness and despair.

As we drove, as I was thinking of that time, a song came on, and there was a line that struck me, hard; the song is “I Run for Life” http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/s/I+Run+for+Life/2nxtXV by Melissa Etheridge.

The line, was this:

How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I’m still learning the lesson
To waken when I hear the call

She is talking about cancer, and the darkness, and preserving her soul. Well, that’s good, but I was thinking of a different darkness, and wondering what kind of toll it takes. How have I changed, what have I learned- what lessons, if any? Have I wakened? Also, could there please be something like a partial ‘soulectomy’, I’d gladly give up whatever it is that allows the dark thing to root and grow…

I dunno what all I still have to learn, and I don’t know that I’m done learning them- even if, as now, depression is far off and more a memory of darkness, than an immediate fear (thank God for that)… but it seems that often, when I reflect, I find new little bits and pieces that fit together, that seem to be something that I’m supposed to take away and learn. Learn, from the depths of that time, and in the struggles since; learn, from the cold numbness of depression, to the hot anger of jealousy and betrayal; learn, from the new way of seeing things, too.

I’ve learned, that I can’t neglect my own self, by trying to do to much, or be too much, to others. I have to remember that I wont do anyone any good, if I’m not around to do things.

I’ve learned that (as strange as it seems to me, still!), I’ve learned that there are people that actually like me, want me to stick around, enjoy my company- who knew!

I’ve learned that I’m a pretty good friend to have, sometimes, and I’m actually kind of proud of that; I don’t (or didn’t) have many friends, for a long long time- I was content to work and be invisible, and do solitary activities, because it’s easier and doesn’t hurt.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to love a whole lot, that it’s not something that has to be clutched, doled out in dribs and drabs, in case I run out; no, the more I love, the more I’m loved in return. I’ve learned this about love, too, that there’s all kinds of loves and all kinds of people that I can love, and it doesn’t take away from the rest.

I’ve learned that I have somethings to do still, even if it’s not always exactly clear what they are. I’m here for somethings, and I’m learning to listen, to watch, to pay attention and try to see what those things might be, without being afraid of them.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to enjoy sex and sexuality, that there’s nothing wrong with that, that explorations and games and laughing silliness are okay, and that guilt about enjoying it is silly.

I’ve learned, and this one is big for me, and I love it- I’ve learned to sing again. No, not well, not like music lessons and such- but I’ve learned to let it belt out and enjoy the music again, and so what if it’s out of tune, or off-key, or makes no sense?

I figure there’s lots more to learn, lots more growing to do, lots more explorations still to come; but, I also think I’ve come a long way, in four years, and today at any rate, I’m wondering what the next four years will be like.

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Ancient History