A Rock Feels No Pain

In despero , obscurum ; In Diligo , Lux lucis. (In despair, darkness; In Love, Light). -Me

Long catching-up post

Wow, seems like it’s been forever since I’ve had time to sit and write, to post anything- and looking at the dates, from the last post to now, and thinking of all that has been going on, I guess it’s not surprising.

I spent two weeks in Minnesota, on the island, loving the time off, which was wonderful. When we moved here to New York, we kept the cabin there, with Lynn’s family around, and every year she and the kids have spent the summer there, while I stay here until I can get a couple weeks in. We’ve done this for the last seventeen years, since our second boy Rob was a baby, so it’s very comforting, in an odd way, to have the routine down.

One of the things that struck me hard, this year, is how much I’ve missed Lynn, while she was gone. Not that I ever didn’t miss her, even the last few years- but, it was nothing like now, and nothing like what it was in the early part of our marriage. I guess there were more years than I’d realized, where I didn’t particularly care if she was around, nor miss her if she wasn’t- or at least, not as much. I commented about that to her, and she agreed- that there’s something more in our relationship, again, that was there in the beginning and was lost for a time, and is coming back. Made me feel so close to her, that she was feeling that too.

There were a couple of times when we were talking though, that were a little less than easy- at one point, I had been asking her something, and she burst out, “Are you afraid of being happy?” She was upset because I was asking her about something that was bothering me, but it didn’t bother her- so in her mind, my concern was not something that she’d thought of, not something that she was unhappy about, so why was I?

That one, made me pause, and think a lot. Am I afraid to be happy? She meant it in the context of our communications, of what is shared and not shared, of what is okay to play, and not. I don’t think I am afraid, but maybe I’m blind to something she sees? I don’t know. Something to think about, but I’m not particularly sure that there will be an answer. If there is something that makes me unhappy, am I supposed to stuff it down and bury it, as before? No chance; that path goes straight back to the hospital, the nut-hut, the looney bin- and I am not going there again. Too many crazy people there, ya know.

The other was related to the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, which digger had blogged about back in June of 2007, here. When I had suggested to Lynn we do this, she agreed; but then, she said something to me about not being able to respond to the questions honestly. So, that dropped, and I didn’t bring it up again, I wasn’t going to bother if she wasn’t going to be honest. Another time, she clarified, explaining that I had misunderstood, that what she meant was she didn’t find the rating “scale”, assigning numeric values, to be meaningful. We left it at that, and so it went away.

This summer, though, I was thinking about communication, and ways to work on ours, to keep gaining in our ability to talk and share, and thought of it again- so we talked, and decided that we’d go through it, but in our own way. Instead of going through it individually, and writing it out, we would go through it, and formulate our thoughts; then, when we were ready, we’d sit down together and simply talk our way through it, and not worry so much about the numbers but rather the relative importance as we went.

I’m not going to break down all our responses, but it was interesting to see the areas we agree on, and disagree on, as far as priorities. We pretty much were on the same page for family, financial/domestic support, sexual fulfillment, recreation; slightly different in affection (I need more than she does), and conversation (although that’s a limit of kids and busyness, mostly). Where we were substantially different, was in honesty and openness. I felt it more important, and less satisfied, where she was more satisfied and thus placed less of an emphasis on it.

It was interesting to go through it together, and we talked about ways to move our relationship so that our needs and expectations get closer to the reality of our lives; or should that be that what we do, move closer to fulfilling the needs and expectations? Either way will do, I guess, perhaps sometimes expectations need to be modified to reality, as well as the times when changes can be made to meet expectations.

The two bigger boys, Jeremy and Rob and I, got to put out a fire in the forest when a tree was struck by lightning, so we decided to call ourselves the Island Fire Brigade. Putting out a fire with buckets and a trash can, after traveling to the scene via canoe, is certainly a new experience for me!

I got to take a lot of photos, too, which I am loving more and more, have them posted over there>>> on flickr. Photos of the lake, of birds, of flowers, a set of Lynn, and some really cool portraits of Lynn’s niece Sharon. I was talking with a friend, and decided that it’s a good thing I have found photography again, because the nerve is still keeping me from the other things I want to do.

I try hard to remember that although I can’t do some things, I have so much, and can still do a lot, but sometimes it’s difficult not to feel sorry for myself, a little bit- or rather, to miss the other things, I guess. I don’t want to get all broody about it, so if I do, just whack me around a bit, okay?

I take Jeremy back to college on Saturday, which is hard to believe- he’s going to be a Junior, this year, and working as the RA. Which is great, for my checkbook, he gets room and board, and since it’s a state school, the tuition is actually reasonable- as college tuition goes, anyway, at least it’s not one of the $45,000.00 /year schools that he was thinking about. I can’t imagine how people do that, it seems like all the kids must graduate with a degree in “how to handle 120,000 debt in four short year lessons” or something like that. What’s really hard to believe, is how mature he’s gotten, compared to the first time I took him away. He’s really a great kid, and I’m incredibly proud of him.


Filed under: family, lynn, meanderings, relationship, vacation, , , , , , , , ,

Another meandering post

So, it’s been a while since I’ve felt much like writing anything, I guess, but for whatever reason I have to tonight. The problem, is that the part of me that is insisting that I write something, hasn’t seen fit to tell me what to write about. Darn ol’ muses anyway, they’re always out for coffee or something when I need them.

So, I guess it’s going to be another of my “meandering” posts, sorry about that. Don’t read, if you don’t want to fall asleep, sorry. 🙂

The traveling that I’ve been doing for the last several weeks is thankfully at an end, for a bit. The next trip will be a vacation to the cabin, I’ll go and join the gang for two weeks at the end of July. Dad’s going to come out and pick me up, which is a nice way to save on the airfare. Then I’ll have a couple of shorter trips this fall, but nothing like the 10 week round that we just finished.

I have mixed feelings about this summer, too. It’s very normal for me to stay home alone, while Lynn and the kids spend the summer at the cabin. But I also have in the back of my head (You’d think the back would be full by now, but I manage to keep too much garbage back there somehow), that a couple of years ago, in the summer, was when I had the first round of ring-around-the-rosy-with-the-black-thing. I know, I know, I’m in a different emotional state, and a different mental state, and I have a lot more and better support in place now. Knowing that, doesn’t change the feelings though- I tend to “know” a lot of things without being able to “feel” them, at times, so I just have to deal with it.

One good thing is that I wont be completely alone this year, though. Jeremy has a couple of jobs, and he’s going to stay here and only go to Minnesota when I do; and afterwards, both he and Rob will be coming back, so it’s not as if I’ll be quite as isolated as normal. I’m thinking that’s going to be a good thing, overall, even if it does mean they’ll want to do oddball things, like eat.

Lynn and I are doing okay, these days. I’m getting used to and adjusting to the knowledge that as we’ve grown older, we’ve changed, and even if the changes aren’t what I would have thought of, or looked for, I can deal with them. I still get a bit broody sometimes, when I consider differences and similarities to a couple of years ago- what I now think of as “pre-asshole” days- but I guess that’s a part of life that everyone needs to face. After all, “they” say that change is inevitable, so if “they” know anything at all, I’ll just keep working on acceptance of the things I cannot change. I guess, too, the deeper changes aren’t even specifically related to when I learned of them, but were going back further- I just didn’t know it, in my fog of depression.

As I said at the start, this is a non-subject post- just the irritability and restlessness that pops up when I don’t write something- and now, I seem to hear (maybe) a bit of a call (faintly) from someone that seems to think I should invent her and write her a bit- so I’ll go see if a bit of fiction may result.

Filed under: depression, family, lynn, meanderings, relationship, vacation, , , ,



No, It’s not real. It’s henna, but I love the souvenir of our trip. What a fantastic adventure we had!

But for now, all I can say is that there’s nothing like being in the warm sun, the warm ocean, with the option of not wearing anything at all. I have decided that after years of living in colder places, such as Minnesota and upstate New York, there’s really something magical about the heat and warmth of the tropics.

Sailing trips, skinny-dipping, snorkeling, shopping, napping- ’twas all so much fun. Toss in massages, great food, pool games and night life, and it’s something that I’ll remember forever.

Certainly long after my Mayan Sun God has faded off my shoulder!

We flew to Cancun on Monday, and stayed through Sunday. Our days were filled with snorkeling, massages, sailing trips (Wherein a new-style flag was created, as many of the ladies attached bikini tops to the shrouds 😉 ). Nights, we ate well and spent time in the “disco”, before spending time with ourselves, having some of the most mind-blowing sex in I-Don’t-Know-How-Long.

Must be the tropical air, huh?

I’m not going to catalog the trip, but really, if you haven’t been someplace like it- GO!

Filed under: lynn, photos, vacation, , , , , , , ,


This poor flower was loving the sun and almost 50 degree weather yesterday, when I walked by it the first time.

Originally uploaded by sailordlv.

Today, it was shivering under it’s snow blanket, struggling to stay upright as best it could.

Heavy, wet snow here in Salt Lake City, but sure good for the skiers. For the flowers? Not-so-much.

Hang in there little flower, spring is coming fast and the big, bad snowflakes wont squish you anymore.

*Click the picture for full-size on Flickr*

Filed under: "Salt Lake City", flowers, SLC, snow, spring, vacation

Salt Lake City- Or, A Tale of Travel Adventures Pt. 2

In which a visit is made to slippery slopes; elegance is found; of Olympics, and downhill racing; and it is determined that one can go down, while going up.

Wednesday, March 26, 0700-2300 Mountain

So, once again we rise and face the day, fortified by much coffee. Oh, and a small amount of protein and french toast, and/or eggs, and/or cereal, and/or fruit. Really, it doesn’t matter, I only mention it to show that even I eat breakfast once in a while.

Today, we ventured to Snowbasin, which is slightly further out of the city than we’ve been, but still an easy drive. This resort is interesting; it really was a second-rate, out of the way place, until the winter Olympics of 2002 were being prepped. At that point, “Earl” (Earl Holding) decided to dump some of his gazillions into making the resort an appropriate venue for some of the events. The mens and womens downhill races were held here, and I’m not sure what else; but I do know that the rustic chalets, the high-speed gondolas, and the incredible coverage of snowmaking equipment is mucho amazing. (Yes, snowmaking in an area that has an annual average snowfall of 500″, go figure).

Anyway, it’s another very elegant location, for a ski resort. Gold fixtures, carpeted(!) floors (skiboots are not gentle things, lol); huge fireplaces, monster timber supports, floor to ceiling window walls- and the ceiling is 40′ tall, in places. Yes, ol’ Earl did himself proud.

Not to mention, some great terrain, for the skiing portion of your day. When we arrived, though, the snow wasn’t great. Remember the heat from Monday? Well, all that softened snow froze, over the next day and night, and so we were skiing on crusty hardpack. That, is tolerable although not the most comfortable; however, we also ran into lighting that was so flat, you couldn’t see any variance in the surfaces.

That’s not so fun.

Skiing along in white-outs, is what we refer to as “sporty”, in my family. Other families may call it crazy, but that’s okay- we have fun anyway.

Besides, it was softening throughout the day, so by lunchtime it was back to the fantastic Utah snow we’ve been experiencing, in most places. So that all worked out well, right?

Oh, and after lunch, was even better- the boys, all three of them: Jeremy, Rob and Nick- decided that they needed to, they were required to ski the downhill run that was the Olympic course. Naturally, I said “Go for it.” So naturally, they did- although, we found out later, that was the only run they did after lunch. We’d been skiing hard all day, anyway, and they were wiped out after that run.

We didn’t know that till later, though, because there were other adventures about.

I mentioned the gondolas, right? If you don’t know what they are, they’re a covered, enclosed car that rides on cables, and carries the skiers to the top of the mountain so they can ski down. The ones here at Snowbasin hold eight; or, in one very particular case, the car held two.

Lynn was working on Beth and my Dad like crazy, after lunch, (with very enthusiastic help from me) in order to get them either in before us, or in a lift without us for one ride. Basically because, when we arrived at the area in the morning, she took one look at a gondola and looked at me, with the smoldering in her eyes that only she can do, and winked, and said “Soon. In one of those. Today.”

Soooooo, the maneuvers were strategic, and well executed tactically, and it transpired that we rode up in a gondola car named for “Somebody-or-other Sailor”, an Olympic Champion skier. I can’t remember his first name, perhaps Anton- but we only noticed, because as we cleared the base of the loading station, and Lynn started unzipping my pants, she said something about how it’s appropriately named, as my nickname for blogging and photos is Sailor;

Yeah, the fantasy fulfilled, that I didn’t even know I had. Nor did Lynn, as she’d never used a gondola-type lift before, was to experience (or give, in her case) a moving, sexy, loving and hot and exciting blow job, as we rode the lift up the mountain.

So she did; I did; we laughed, at ourselves, at the mess, at our outlandish behavior, and at the fact that we can still be silly and adventurous and in love and want each other.

And had a fine last run down, to meet up with the rest of the gang, and head back to the hotel for dinner and a bookstore run and bed.

What a great vacation this is!

Filed under: "Salt Lake City", blowjob, family, gondola, lift, mountains, sex, sexy, ski, snow, snowbasin, utah, vacation

Salt Lake City- Or, A Tale of Travel Adventures Pt 1

In which various people begin travels via various means; arrive at an interim point and are surprised; reach the final destination and miss somethings; through several compromises manage to be hot in the snow; are reunited with comfortable feet; find the snow again; and avoid conversion although have conversation with sundry Mormons.

Saturday, March 22, 0350-2400 Eastern; The alarm, evil thing that it is, manages to wake us up in spite of exhaustion and illness. Not the greatest beginning to the trip, with Lynn and myself both tired, cranky, and in her case not feeling great. However, we did get the kids up, and got all six of us into the Pacifica, with the roof-rack loaded and skis and bags and carry-ons inside.

The drive to Kennedy, while uneventful, was as always a pain in the but. We have to leave our house a full three hours before our flights are scheduled to leave, in order to get to the airport, park and shuttle to the terminals and still manage to schlep six people and all our luggage through check-in and security. Granted, it’s getting easier and easier- the kids are great and handle their own bags now. Everyone is allowed one duffel, for all the clothes/ski wear, and one carryon for important things like cameras, computers, books and snacks. The skis combine into four bags, two doubles and two singles, so we check ten and carry six- and so far, we’ve not forgotten any of the children anywhere.

We arrived in Minneapolis on time, and found my dad in the gate for the next flight. This was fun, because the kids didn’t know we were on the same plane for that part of the flight; so they had a lot of “Wow!” “GRAND-DAD!!!!!” And grabbing and hugging and laughing going on- which is always a blast.

The flight to Salt Lake was also uneventful, just a bit of musical seats as the kids swapped around to sit by dad.

However, once we’d arrived, the inconvenience began. Thank you, Delta, for sending a duffel to timbuctoo. Or somewhere. All of Rob’s clothes, toiletries, ski wear, etc were nowhere to be found. Worse, in terms of the skiing portion of the trip- MY ski boots were also in that bag. Which truly, utterly, completely sucks. It was okay for Rob, because he was going to rent anyway, because he’s been snowboarding the last few years he doesn’t have equipment of his own. But dang it all, those boots are custom-fit, Solomon boots that I love.

So after fussing with Delta for a while, getting a claim filed, etc, etc, we made our way to the Hotel. Where they managed to put us into two rooms that each had a king-size bed. Nice for Lynn and myself, but not so great when we have to share with the kids and dad, though. So, a room swap or two later, and we’re in the originally reserved rooms with two queens each. With the convertible sofas, we have enough bed space for the seven of us.

That night, we took the UTA Trax train, and attended the Easter Vigil service at St. Mark’s Cathedral. What a beautiful service that was, very very well done. The building, in this state and city that is so dominated by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not a particularly imposing structure externally; but the inside was fantastic, and the choir and music was great.

Finally, dinner- and back to the hotel, to fall into bed. Wheew!

Sunday, March 23, 0700-2300 Mountain; No alarm, but we’re all up easily, mostly because of the time change. Breakfast at this hotel (Embassy Suites, nice place) is included in the room charge, but it’s more than just the cereal/juice/rolls of some. Here you can order a couple of eggs, omelets, bacon or sausage or pancakes, as well as the cold cereal type stuff- which is great.

SO then, Rob, dad and I walked to the local ski shop, all of 2 blocks. Rob rented a package for the week, and since they refused to adjust my bindings to their boots, I decided to skip renting for that day, and see if the ski area would do so; at least this way I could try to use my good skis.

Luckily, Brighton did allow me to do that, so I rented boots there.

And, Finally- let the fun begin!!

Oh WOW. What an incredible, wonderful ski area. Salt Lake’s ski areas average around 500″ of snow annually; and this year they’ve been getting more than usual. We had perfect snow, perfectly clear skies, perfect temperatures. It was around 40, that first day, and what a blast. I haven’t skied in the Rocky Mountains for waaay, waaay, too long; I know, I knew I loved them, but what a piece of heaven on earth. I miss “My” mountains, more than I realized.

Just to see the terrain, the majesty, the peaks, makes me homesick; and, I’ve never lived here, or in the mountains, only vacationed, but still- I love them.

Dinner that night, was delivered pizza and salads from a bag. No one had the energy to get out, so it was a quiet, early night and to bed with all.

Monday, March 24, 0700-2300 Mountain; HOOORAY!!!
The bag was found, and delivered to the Hotel at 0200 this morning. Cheers, instant thrills and (no, I didn’t orgasm over them, but I did pet them) my boots are here!

Monday, we headed up- up the canyon, up the “POSH” scale, to Deer Valley. Known as the poshest ski area around, I can believe it; where other areas use industrial chrome plumbing, Deer Valley pays for the less durable brass; where concrete steps and walkways are enough for strength and utility elsewhere, Deer Valley lays down garden pavers. And replaces them, as needed, for ski boots are not known to be easy on brick.

A second perfect day of skiing, oh my. Temp again to the 40’s, perfectly clear blue skies, snow that is deeper than needed everywhere, and nowhere scraped to grass; superb!!!!

The only drawback- the heat. We were all so hot, that we were finding different ways to try to lose layers. For me, luckily, my turtleneck was an old ratty one- so I didn’t have any qualms tossing it in the garbage; in fact, it would have prior to the trip, but I was thinking I’d need all I owned.

There’s something decadent about skiing in a t-shirt, and for a bit without that, no gloves, hats or goggles, no sweaters and down jackets- just boots, pants and sunglasses. Gotta love that! ROb took a picture with his camera, and I’ll get that posted at some point, but still wonderful.

AND- My feet didn’t kill me all day. Yes, renting boots is a fine expediency when needed, but oh man, did my feet hurt at the end of Sunday. I was so pleased to have my good boots back, I suspect my family is just as happy- cuz I stopped whining!

Dinner in again, and early bed- not much happening on most of our evenings, we get pretty tired and try to sleep early.

Tuesday, March 25, 0000-1700 Mountain; Grrrrrrr.
What did I say about trying to sleep? Well, no one had a great sleep, except dad. Perhaps altitude, perhaps something else, but I was up all night, Lynn slept about an hour, the kids were up and down as well. So we decided to take a sight-seeing day, in the interest of not hurting ourselves.

Two boys opted to stay back and read and watch movies, so Dad, Lynn, Beth, Rob and I all headed to the Union Pacific Terminal, which is the gateway to an outdoor shopping plaza. Just wandering, and taking photos- I’ll put some of the Olympic Memorial Musical up too-

And then, into the jaws of the lion. Or, in this case, into Temple Square, for a thirty minute tour with the missionaries there. It’s an interesting history if nothing else, regardless of your opinion or beliefs regarding Joseph Smith and the Mormon Church; and yes, we managed to escape with our “Episcopalian-ness” intact.


So, for later- dinner out, probably something sim
ple like Olive Garden, and then tomorrow- Alta, or Snow Basin.

Wow, this got long- so, I’m done for now, but rest assured, I’ll be back to bore you more later in the week!

Filed under: dad, family, kids, lynn, mormon, mountains, photos, ski, skiing, SLC, snow, utah, vacation

Thinking about Trust, and a bunch of randomness too

Trust, is something that I never particularly thought of much. I either trusted, or I didn’t trust someone, or something, without really knowing why, much of the time. Perhaps because I’ve been pretty blessed throughout my life with people that were trustworthy, it’s not been a huge thing in my mind. I don’t remember horrible betrayals of fifth-grade confidences, nor being ratted-out in ninth. The people I encountered that I would think of as “Not trustworthy” were usually given that classification based on observations of what they had done or said in regards to someone else, not me.

So it’s been difficult for me over the past year and a half, to know quite what to do with myself, my emotions, on the occasions when I have been confronted with untrustworthiness. (Is that a real word? If not, it should be). I am finding that it’s a lot harder to deal with, for a couple of reasons. One part of it, of course, is the importance of the relationship; obvious, but something I had to learn apparently, is that the impact is much more damaging when the person is close to you, and you care about them more than even a “bestest friend”.

The second part I’m struggling with, is that we seem to go up and down, or two steps forward, one step back. We’ll be doing our thing, and I’m thinking “this is good”, feeling closer and communicating well, and I get hit with something that seems to stop me in my tracks. Problem is, when I get stopped like that, is that it brings back all the old feelings and concerns, in a huge rush of fear and anger and jealousy and hurt. And of course, I know my own reaction to that– shutdown, pull back, withdraw and let the coldness numb the feelings, and they’ll go away. Right? Right?

Oh, wrong. Doesn’t work that way, not anymore, not for me- I can’t do it like that anymore, and honestly don’t want to again. That way leads to misery, unhappiness, and coming way to close to dying. No, can’t do that anymore.

Each time, the apologies, the tears, the wanting to be held, are immediate. Each time, I’ve opened my arms, held and cuddled and we’ve talked; and each time, depending on how things progress, we’ve made love, and spent the next week or two being reassured and reassuring more regularly than before. Each time, after a week or so, the attitude seems to be that “it’s all gone, you shouldn’t be worried about it, I said I’m sorry what more do you want, get past it.”

Which I wish I could do, with all my heart I wish I could do that, so easily. Lynn has said: “You think to much”, and also “You worry about when things happened too much, like a calendar”. I guess I probably do, but it’s because when something happens, I can’t help but be reminded of the time before, or the time before that, or before that- and when the emotions are brought back repeatedly, so too are the memories of prior events, that caused them.

Unfortunately, each little betrayal of trust, each little lie or deceit, hasn’t happened in a vacuum. I can’t pretend that it’s not happened before; it has, and it’s hard for her to know I’m remembering, it hurts her to know that I am, but I can’t help it. I can wish they hadn’t, but that doesn’t change anything. I can wish for a selective lobotomy too, but my insurance doesn’t cover them- so, I’m stuck with my minds inability to forget that it’s not the first time, or more, that I’ve been smacked with something similar.

So I’ve tried some different methods, to minimize the ouch, some more successful than others. I’ve pretended that it doesn’t matter, that I don’t care, but that doesn’t work out very well. I’ve ignored things, figuring if I don’t acknowledge it, it wont have a chance to be a problem; that works to an extent, as long as it’s littler things- how much and who, doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t ignore being lied to, though, that part doesn’t work.

So now, we’re in the cuddle-talk-sex-overcompensation mode again, for the last week or so. There’s no real ending to this particular sequence of thoughts, because I don’t know what the ending is yet. We’re in the “talk a lot and reassurance” stage, and I’m trying to not be suspicious of every word or action or expression. So we just carry on, I guess.

The good things, are still going on too, of course. We are talking more intimately than we have in years and years. We’re sharing more of what our days are, of what we look at on the computer, who we’re talking to, and these are all good things.

Getting ready to go to Utah skiing, in March, and that’s going to be great- the first mountain trip for the three younger kids, and it’s been way too long since we’ve skied on something other than mounds- here in NY, they don’t have Mountains, only mounds, ya know.

We’re also planning another just the two of us vacations, in May- going to Cancun, with some friends of ours, and that’s going to be neat too. Granted, it’d probably be nicer in mid-winter, but we couldn’t afford that even if there was space at the hotel, so we’ll be going just after the price drops from the peaks. Should still be fun, and I’m looking forward to the day trips, they set up tours to some of the Mayan villages/sites, that should be a blast.

We’ve been having a lot of fun with the photography, too- Lynn’s taking photography II this semester, and loving it. She had a great time in Photo I, last semester, and took some really good shots; she gets to do her own processing too, which is fun, I remember loving that when I did it too. Think we should set up a black and white darkroom? Nahh, probably not- once she’s done with the film work, we’ll be back on digital and it’s so easy to crop and do the processing on the computer, and print at the local Target, or CVS, that it’s not worth it for occasional use anymore.

That reminds me, I’d mentioned that I’m going to Sacramento next month, and bringing my camera; there are a couple of fairly regular readers from there, according to statcounter anyway. Whoever you are, email me (addy is in profile page), and give me some suggestions. I’m not sure how much time I’ll have, and it’s going to be evenings mostly, when I’m free- but I’ve never been there and don’t want to miss something cool through ignorance of the city!

Okay, this got really long, as I’ve added to it over a couple of days; so I’m gonna post it and call this one done.

Filed under: love, lynn, photography, relationship, travel, trust, vacation

Random Cabin Reflections

Being back at the cabin is fabulous, such a wonderful place. Last year, I wrote about the magical effects being here had on me, just being here is great. Even more so this year, because I’m so much more aware of things around me, and of the people here.

Last night, Lynn and I were walking along the path, and somehow got onto the subject of one of the brothers-in-law, and did my time last year overlap with his? I could’ve sworn that we didn’t, or if so, it was passing on the dock- but, it seems, he was here the entire time that I was; in fact, he’d asked Lynn, after I had returned home, was I mad at him for something, because he hardly saw me?

No, I wasn’t mad at him- or anyone, really, except perhaps myself. At that time, I was so concentrated on surviving, just breathing and eating was taking all my energies. I had arrived shortly after the lowest point, when the Black Thing had a close and strong grip on me, and was still adjusting to the meds, still adjusting to the fact that I had come so close to being one of those statistical entries- “n” number will commit suicide this year… that I really haven’t got clear memory of much, from that week.

I do remember a couple of specific incidents, but which of the extended family was here, there or anywhere- nope. I recall sleeping a lot, and hanging out in the cabin a lot, and trying to laugh, and trying not to curl into my little ball and step off the world- and that’s about it.

I can remember the evening I wrote this , and the events that led me to write this , but that’s about all.

On the other hand, looking around this year, I find myself awake, and much more aware. I know which nieces and which nephews are here, which brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law, and this is a good thing.

Filed under: cabin, depression, vacation

Family Musings


It’s the weekend of my Dad’s seventy-fifth birthday bash, and I’m writing this in the airport waiting to go home.

I love my family. This is really a new revelation to me, in a way. I’ve spent many years not particularly caring about them one way or another, but in the last year or two, I’ve realized more and more how much I really do love them, and how much they mean to me. I’m still not good about the whole “keep in touch” part of making our relationships better, or closer, but I’ve gotten better about accepting their concern, without withdrawing and pulling away from them.

Even the older brother, whom I spent years hating and resenting, and avoiding whenever I possibly could- even him, I’ve come to realize that he loves me, and that I really do love him as well. I don’t think or expect that we’ll ever be best friends, but in a lot of ways his questions, his “nosiness”, is his way of showing concern, and perhaps it’s just his way of expressing that he cares.

(On the airplane now, on the way home).

The sis, the little brother, and the two sister-in-laws, I was having a great time chattering and babbling with. I spent more time talking to my younger brother’s wife today, than I think I ever have, and we talked of things that are sure more private than ever before; I didn’t realize quite how much we have in common, in attitude, in some emotional dealings, in the way we look at the world. It was really fun, getting to know a little more about her, sharing some parts of me as well.

Makes me a little bit sad, that we’re so far away from each other now. Sometimes, living in New York hurts more than other times, and sometimes, I really don’t like it. I’m feeling very nostalgic, missing them already, and I’m really, really needing to get home to Lynn and the kids.

So as I sit here in a 737, thinking of my immediate family, of my extended family, I’m really very glad that I’m still here. I shared, for the first time, some of what I had dealt with, and the decision that I made last summer with a couple of them; and, I’m so very, very glad to be here, to get the chance to share it with them.

I love you all.

Filed under: family, vacation

Jamaica Mon

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything, but there’s been a lot of ups and downs, and certainly a lot of writing has gone on.

Let’s see… I could blog about the pop-up occurrence of the asshole, but I don’t want to. I’ve come to believe that she didn’t know it was him, so we’re now past a month, almost to the second month since true contact took place- as far as I know anyway, so we’ll leave that.

I could blog about the extremely sxual relationship that popped up, from someone that I had actually started to believe was “just a friend”. As it turns out, that wasn’t quite the case; he is, and was, although I’m assured it’s not been ongoing, far more than just a friend. No, there’s a whole lot there, that isn’t just friends. However, I don’t want to think about htat, either, not right now.

No, I’m going to say this:

Jamaica rocks. Jeez, I loved it, what a great trip. Just lynn and myself, no kids, no worries, after all the passport troubles and delays, and the weather scared, we got there on Saturday afternoon.

Sunny, warm, perfect breeze; heheh, they goofed on our rooms though, so we were dumped to the “Au Naturel” side, whether we liked it, were ready for it, or not.

We were. We just looked at each other, said “What the hell, we’re here, why not?” And took off our clothes, and hit the beach. What a great feeling, I’ve decided that there is indeed something to be said for nudity, especially on the ocean. The resort has a complete section that is devoted to au naturel, and it was a blast.

I was worried, a fair amount, what if I got aroused? But, truly, just as I’d read on the internet, it’s not a problem. It just felt right, and comfortable, for the most part. The women, two Lynns, were a little more concerned I think, but overall, I found it very nice to not get hung up on the sexual aspect; it’s a very different feeling than when you see everyone in revealing skimpy sexy bathing suits, etc- it’s actually far less intrusive sexually, because it’s just the way everyone is.

So, Jamaica is a grand place, and hanging out on a naturist beach is a grand thing to do. I highly recommend it, to anyone that feels like they want to push boundaries, and explore together new attitudes and exciting new times.

“No problem mon!”

Filed under: beach, Jamaica, naturist, nudity, relationship, vacation

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